Shaq & Kobe "Had a Good Time" and Favre Created a "Series of Victimless Crimes"
Shaq and Kobe “Had a Good Time” with Each Other
Phoenix Suns center Shaquille O’Neal and Los Angles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant begrudgingly shared co-MVP awards at the All-Star game this past Valentine’s Day weekend as the Western Conference dominated the East 146-119 at the US Airways Center in Arizona.
Despite the obvious that O’Neal, 36, and Bryant, 30, get along like the redneck Hatfield and McCoy clans, the two acted practically smitten with each other at the conclusion of the 58th All-Star game.
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“The Big Legendaries,” O’Neal dubbed himself and Bryant, his venomous rival and former Lakers teammate of eight seasons.
“It felt like old times,” continued the 2000 MVP and 15-time All-Star selection while his beak grew exponentially to Barbara Streisand proportions. “I miss those times.”
Bryant, the 2008 MVP and six-time All-NBA first team selection, was less effusive with his praise of the “Big Aristotle.”
Nevertheless, he still gushed to a degree about the man who poetically rapped in a New York club last summer, “Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes?”
“We are not going to go back to the room and watch Steel Magnolias,” Kobe joked. “But, we had a good time.”
One can only presume that Shaq and Kobe indeed had a “good time” and it’s feasible that the two actually retreated to a room with a heart-shaped tub to consummate their acrimonious relationship with visions of cupids in the dry, desert air.
“I’m totally cool with Kobe,” claimed Shaq after scoring 17 points in just 11 minutes in the largest state capital in the United States.
Sure, the men who loath each other with such disdain that they ruptured a dynasty in Tinseltown at the end of the 2004 season are “cool” with each other.
Probably the only time the two greats were not “cool” with each other in the Valley of the Sun was when they lathered themselves with soap in the hot water of a romantic Jacuzzi bath.
Favre’s Last Attempt at Glory Created a “Series of Victimless Crimes”
Fabled Green Bay Packers and New York Jets quarterback Brett Favre retired last week via email after 18 remarkable years in the NFL.
Favre, 39, a 10-time Pro Bowl selection who was the first player to win the AP MVP award three times (1995-1997), said he finally realizes after a record 291 consecutive starts that his time as an elite gunslinger has passed.
"I got my answer as the season progressed," said the recovered drug addict and alcoholic who claimed he "drank up Atlanta" as a rookie with the Falcons in 1991. "I finally can't throw the ball like I once threw it."
Many cynics soured on Favre the past few years because of his perceived diva-like attitude, his inability to remove himself from the limelight, and for allegedly holding the Packers franchise hostage on a yearly basis with his indecision regarding retirement.
The negative grumblings surrounding the product of Kiln, Mississippi reached a deafening pitch last summer when Favre formally filed for reinstatement with the NFL only months after stepping down as the signal-caller in "Titletown."
Favre's wavering left the Packers in a precarious position that ultimately led to a much-publicized and nasty divorce with his employers of 16 seasons.
Following much jockeying and negotiating, the Packers traded Favre last August to the Jets in exchange for a conditional fourth round pick in the 2009 draft with performance escalation.
Favre's arrival in Gotham forced Gang Green to hastily and unceremoniously release their productive and upstanding leader since 2002, Chad Pennington.
The Favre experiment in New York ultimately failed and the Pack finished a subpar 6-10 without the former University of Southern Mississippi star at the helm of their squad for the first time since 1992.
At initial glance, Favre's 2008 trials and tribulations seem disastrous for all parties involved in his offseason saga.
However, as Walter Sobchak famously reasoned in The Big Lebowski, "We have what appears to me to be a series of victimless crimes."
Pennington, 32, departed the wretched swamps of Jersey for Miami and the glitz and glitter of South Beach and promptly helped lead a Dolphins organization with one victory the previous season to an AFC East championship.
Pennington, who was deservedly honored with his second Comeback Player of the Year Award in 2008, was fortunately enabled to vacate throngs of tit-chanting, defectives that cheered an injury he suffered in the 2007 season opener at Giants Stadium.
In retrospect, Pennington simply benefited from Favre's arrival in East Rutherford.
The Packers were one game removed from another appearance in the Super Bowl in 2007 largely because of Favre’s mass production at the quarterback position. Upon Favre’s departure, the plane crashed into the proverbial mountain in Wisconsin and the Cheesehead nation saw their team finish a paltry four games below 500.
Nevertheless, the Packers demise certainly wasn’t predicated off of a lack of production from the quarterback slot.
Aaron Rodgers, 25, admirably replaced Favre and threw for an impressive 4,038 yards and 28 touchdowns in his first year as a starter in the NFL. The reason for Green Bay’s rapid demise was the fact that their defense made Clay Aiken look tough and they allowed a pathetic 380 points.
In a parity laden league, the Packers, with their emerging star quarterback, could quickly resurface among the games elite by making a few wise moves this offseason.
In hindsight, the Packers were likely better off without the legendary number four taking snaps at Lambeau Field this past season.
Finally, pigskin's red-headed bastards, the Jets, genuinely can’t complain about their one-year tryst with the mythic leader.
After dismantling the Tennessee Titans 34-13 in late-November to improve to 8-3, Gang Green was the sexy pick to make it to Tampa and represent the AFC in Super Bowl XLIII. Unfortunately for Jets fans, after their triumphant victory at Tennessee, things quickly went downhill like an alpine skier in the coming weeks.
Favre seemingly aged like a canine in front of the public's eyes and he began appearing as agile and athletic as Ozzy Osborne. The Jets went down like Jim McGreevey and crawled to a miserably disappointing record of 9-7 and they inexplicably did not qualify for the playoffs after a blistering start.
Despite the downfall, it is hard to claim that the excitement that Favre generated was not worth the gamble of bringing him in to play at Jimmy Hoffa’s resting place. By Turkey Day alone, Jets fans were bubbling with excitement in a way they hadn’t since Joe Namath and the dope-smoking days of 1969.
Granted, Favre did not deliver the outcome supporters of Gang Green desired.
But, it was an entertaining ride and he did help spearhead the removal of a Mangenius that has a lower IQ than Corky Thatcher.
Some may ask, “What about the toe?”
Altogether, the Favre experiment in New Jersey was a success. So, “forget about the fucking toe!”
Brett Favre’s last attempt at glory didn’t adversely hinder anybody and his time wearing green and white should be recalled simply as a “series of victimless crimes.”
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