Epic Random Thoughts for Raw's 1,000th Episode

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Could you imagine if Lost had a thousand episodes? My brain would explode half way through. If the Walking Dead has a thousand episodes, I'm pretty positive Carl would go missing in at least 75 percent of them. I'm pretty sure "House Hunters" will reach a thousand episodes, but with the way the housing market is, I'm sure HGTV could just run a spin off of another thousand episodes entitled House Hunters: Foreclosed.

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I've never really considered Monday Night Raw to be an actual television show. More like a sports broadcast rather then a television series. Something that you just knew would always be on, similar to Monday Night Football, ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball and NBC's Sunday Night Football. Staples of American sports culture that every fan of each respective sport could tune into once a week (during that sports season) to get their fill. Monday Night Raw always felt more like these then episodic shows such as Breaking Bad, Lost, The Sopranos and The Walking Dead.

That doesn't mean that the historic importance of tonight's landmark 1,000th episode is lost on me. It's an important, crowning moment for a company that's become synonymous with professional wrestling and given us such household/pop-culture explosions like The Rock, Stone Cold, Macho Man, Hogan and the newly crowned poster boy of the WWE, John Cena.

It's not everyday that you get to witness a show's 1,000th episode. Actually, it's the first of its kind in many respects. The WWE will conveniently forget to inform you that Meet the Press, CBS Evening News, The Today Show,  the soap opera Guiding Light and World News have all cracked the 1,000th-episode barrier, but Monday Night Raw's 1,000th episode is still something that should be praised, applauded and remembered.

For an industry that's seen its fair share of ups and downs, negative press, positive press, steroid scandals, the whole Chris Benoit tragedy and numerous social stigmas engrained into today's society from those who don't understand or watch the product, the WWE has remained, for nearly five decades, the biggest and most culturally productive company the wrestling industry has ever and will ever see.

The sheer amount of effort, planning, dedication, money, hard work, stress from being away from family and amount of marketing and collective creativity that has gone into making Raw what it is today is simply astonishing. A feat that has built the legend, history, stories, mythos and fan foundation for a company that easily has a shot of someday cracking 5,000 episodes.  

Side Note: It would take the WWE until the year 2088 to reach 5,000 episodes, or in more relevant terms; precisely 50 more John Cena title reigns. I'm just going to assume that both of these are happening. If I've learned one thing from re-investing my time in the WWE, it's that the company gets a huge kick out of trolling the much smaller (10% probably), but more vocal online wrestling community to hilarious effects.  

The WWE has become such a staple of pop culture, families, children, young adults and those special older adults that still hold the magic in their hearts that it's hard to see the company and its product disappearing any time in the near or far future.

The WWE has done such a tremendous job of building up the much-deserved hype, publicity, returning stars and main event for this special occasion that it would take the most misguided, jaded, always drinking the "Hatorade" pessimistic clown to not enjoy whatever the WWE delivers to us tonight.

While I'm sure there will be those that hate tonight's event, it won't be because the WWE didn't deliver the promos, returns, excitement and big event feeling that this celebration has in store, but simply because every wrestling fan likes to play the stupid, asinine game of "Armchair Wrestling Booker" and instantly hates when the company doesn't do something the way they would have done it...

Or the simple fact that Triple H will more then likely be on your television screen for roughly 45 minutes tonight. That always brings out the best of the "I'm a fan of the industry, but can't stand the WWE and Triple H's reign of self-promoting terror" fans. 

Tonight's big WWE celebration will play more like a nostalgic bus tour down "Attitude Era Lane" while briefly stopping at a wedding chapel bound to blow up, a pit stop in DX county, an entertaining overnight stay at the "eyebrow raising, trending worldwide" resort mixed with random pop-ups from old and new stars that will eventually lead us all to the battlegrounds where this generation's best and hottest rivalry will take place when Punk's rebellion meets John Cena and his loyal Cenation followers.

It's going to be a cross between a WrestleMania-like environment laced with nostalgia and a child's birthday party where someone spiked the chocolate milk. I guarantee that this will be the most exciting, over the top, ridiculously hilarious, gripping and goosebump-inducing three hours you'll see on TV tonight...        

That is, unless, of course, you're a big fan of Forrest Gump, which will be playing at the same time Raw starts on A&E tonight. It's a good second choice for those not entertained by the pure amount of Triple H we'll be seeing throughout the show.

As Tom Hanks once said "Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get." Tonight's Monday Night Raw will be the epitome of that quote. Because even with all the hype, marketing, speculation, rumors and gossip, I have no idea what to expect when Raw kicks off this "once-in-a-lifetime occasion."

Sit down, buckle up and lighten up with a "sandwich," a frosty Diet Coke or other ice-cold beverages and enjoy the ride.

And now for some random thoughts....

Random Thought No. 1

I'm kind of secretly hoping that tonight's three-hour live broadcast is just three straight hours of John Cena standing, sitting, smiling and waving in the ring telling some good old-fashioned "PG" jokes with a little singalong mixed in.

Suffering through three hours of that will be made all the much better knowing I'll get nearly a week's worth of "laugh out loud" articles, blogs, comments and other forms of Internet media filled with hilarious hatred for Cena and the WWE.

Random Thought No. 2

I'll be mildly disappointed if Stone Cold Steve Austin doesn't make an appearance at some point during the celebration. I mean, it was basically his show for roughly five years. It would be a shame to have one of the flagship staples of the program missing from its biggest episode.

A huge part of me wants to see the Rock, Stone Cold, Triple H, Michaels and the Undertaker all in the same ring at the same time, but if it doesn't happen, I'll be completely cool with it as long as one of the following happens:

1. Shawn Michaels "super kicks" the face off of Triple H.

2. The Rock wins the WWE championship somehow

3. DDP comes down to the ring and hands a copy of his yoga program over to Brock Lesnar while saying "You obviously need this more than I do."

4. Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar accept the "Summerslam Challenge" with a stipulation that reads "If Lesnar wins. We own the company."

5. Daniel Bryan and A.J's wedding goes uninterrupted so that those two love birds can live in the peace and harmony of love that they both deserve.

... Remember that whole stupid "Armchair Wrestling Booker" game we all play? This is why I haven't been offered a job for WWE yet; Because this is the type of stuff I would pitch.

Random Thought No. 3

Speaking of the big wedding ceremony taking place tonight... 

Here are the official, but unofficial odds on who will interrupt this "sanctimonious rite of love" set by Las Vegas odds makers...

CM Punk: 50:1

Kane: 35:1

Michael Cole: 25:1

Christian: 20:1 

Hornswoggle: 10:1

Chris Jericho: 5:1

Obviously by looking at those numbers, CM Punk is the best value bet you can get here, but I wouldn't hold your breath on him trying to ruin a marriage right before he has to defend his title against Mr. Cena.

Random Thought No. 4

I'm hoping that at least one title changes hands tonight. It would be to cliche to say "I hope Santino drops his U.S. belt tonight," but things in life are usually considered cliche for a reason. I have a feeling though that if any title changes hands tonight, it'll be the WWE championship.

This kind of show strikes me as a "everyone wins/crowd pleasing episode" where mainly the good guys will prevail. And with all of the current champions being "good guys," I don't see the WWE doing anything to drastic to alter that on a night like tonight. 

Unfortunately, that kind of logic points towards the obvious conclusion that John Cena will walk out of St. Louis as the new WWE champion. Punk is a big name and extremely well-liked by the fanbase, but he's no John Cena in terms of overall popularity. 

Fear not, Punk fans! Your rebel, underground, now slightly annoying, pandering, lame, but always hard working, still the best wrestler on the roster and future multiple-time WWE champion leader will probably get his day in the sun at Summerslam.

Or the WWE will troll the (expletive) out of you by burying Punk to Cena on both occasions.

Or the WWE will finally put Punk over Cena on both occasions..

I'm sorry, but I couldn't even type that last line without laughing out loud and rolling my eyes at how ridiculous that sounded...

Random Thought No. 5

I'm not the biggest fan of Jerry Lawler anymore. I loved him when I was a kid growing up, but 13 years later, I'm ready to move on. In that time, my sense of humor has either matured or I've lost the ability to laugh. The latter can't be true because I've definitely laughed every time Heath Slater has made an appearance on Raw lately.

However, Lawler can completely redeem himself in my eyes by saying the word "puppies" just one time.

I think it's perfectly acceptable to refer to a woman's... ugh..."below the neck region?" as puppies in a "PG" format. While all the little kids actually try to search their television screens for small dogs, us old-school fans will have a good chuckle and a quick flashback to 1999. 

Isn't that what tonight's all about? 

Random Thought No. 6  

While it's highly unlikely with the fact that a lot of people who don't usually watch the program will be watching, it's not out of the realm of possibility to see Dolph Ziggler cash in his Money in the Bank contract.

I know we're already getting Cena's "cash-in," but his is the unorthodox way of using the contracts power. It could be fun, entertaining and enlightening to see how it's usually cashed in. Creating an unpredictable, chaotic environment while your ratings are given a natural boost might be a way to draw a lot of older fans back to the product. 

Random Thought No. 7

So we're getting a new Raw GM tonight, huh?

I could honestly care less who it is and I'm already preparing myself for disappointment, but I swear to god if Teddy Long is named the "new" Raw GM, I'm boycotting Raw!

My Friend: You can't just boycott Raw just because you don't like Teddy Long! Besides the fact that it's borderline racist, it's a complete joke to think you'll just stop watching wrestling all together. That's like all those people on the Internet that always say "If you don't like the product then just stop watching!"

Any fan of professional wrestling just can't "stop watching" all together. What a ridiculously moronic thing to say. How about you "just stop" breathing! It's basically the same thing for any loyal fan of the industry. It's just engrained in your soul to watch and semi-enjoy no matter how flat, boring or predictable the whole thing gets after awhile. The Internet is a place to share all your feelings about your passions, and if wrestling is your passion and you're not enjoying it, then you'll naturally seek out others who feel the same way.

"Well if you don't like Raw, then just stop watching." What an asinine remark to make to those that are spilling their opinions in the appropriate forum. Life isn't always days full of cupcakes, high-fives and lollipops. We can't all just sit there and smile while we're force fed crap on a weekly basis. We all still love the company, but we don't always need to agree with it, and if you stumble upon someone who shares a different opinion, then suck it up and accept that not everyone shares your opinion...

I'm looking at you all you CM Punk, bandwagon jumping, Cenation hating jabronies! John Cena for life!

Random Thought No. 8  

God, I can't wait for tonight...

...and the impending explosion of critical analysis on the Internet all day tomorrow.

Life as a WWE fan is good right now!