WWE Bold Predictions: Money in the Bank, the GM Debacle & Epic Random Thoughts

When it comes to making "bold" predictions about the WWE, one often finds themselves in a precarious situation. With so many rumors, dirt sheets and known outcomes floating around the Internet, it can be pretty easy to sound like a genius when you already know the road map the WWE plans to travel. Usually, if someone is always correct with their predictions, it's because they're spouting off facts and logic that everyone already follows or knows about.

However, if one decided to completely jump off the deep end and randomly guess where things will go, you'll likely be dead wrong, sound pompous and arrogant, draw the hatred of doubters and probably lose all of your credibility in the process...

Well, I have no credibility to lose and I could absolutely care less if I'm dead wrong, so without further ado, I present to you my completely out-of-nowhere, random, probably-dead-wrong, ridiculously bold predictions for the next year in the WWE...

John Cena Will Be the First Person to Unsuccessfully Cash in the "Money in the Bank" Contract

NostraGullo predicts that John Cena will win the Money in the Bank contract, be a stand-up guy and tell CM Punk face to face he wants a title shot at Summerslam. He will promptly lose clean to Punk, thereby becoming the first person to fail at cashing in the contract. 

As John Lennon once said, "You can say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

Brock Lesnar, Paul Heyman, CM Punk, Eve and Big Johnny Will Declare War on the WWE

When Paul Heyman manically claimed to Triple H "In Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman's WWE, we don't have anything for you," I got a giant Big Show in my pants at all the possibilities that sentence implied.

It's about time someone decided to right all the wrongs of the WCW/ECW invasion angle and give birth to a new revolution. We could run that angle from August to November, where battle lines would be drawn at Survivor Series in a winner-take-all format. In a last-minute addition to "Team WWE," the Undertaker returns only to screw John Cena and the company, setting up a match between the two at WrestleMania 29...

The Rock Will Win the WWE Championship at WrestleMania 29

Is this common knowledge? It should be.

People Will Actually Like the 3-Hour Raw Format Better Than the Old One 

I'm on a "wait and see" approach with this one, but if everyone really clamors for more in-depth stories, pay-per-view buildup, screen time for lesser-known talent and meaningful matches on Raw like they say they do, then I don't see how this can fail.

...Actually, I completely see how it can fail, but that's why I'm on a "wait and see" approach. I have faith, and isn't having faith in something—be it religion, government, family members, friends or the WWE—really what life is about anyway?

Cody Rhodes, Dolph Ziggler, John Morrison, Wade Barret and Daniel Bryan Will All be World Heavyweight Champions

I know, I know, Wade Barret isn't good enough to be a world heavyweight champion, but that's why these are called "ridiculously bold" predictions. 

If this prediction actually happens, I'm going to start crying in joy, stand up, give myself a high five and a hug and proclaim to the heavens, as Kevin Garnett once did, "Anything is possible!"

Another lesser prediction is that some of you will be trolled during this article to my, and others', amusement. 

Justin Bieber Will Be a Special "Guest Host" for Monday Night Raw

Yup, if and when this eventually happens, just remember who planted this seed first. Everyone may want to hate on "The Biebs," but he's slowly becoming a legit player in the hip hop and R&B community.

You know how John Cena is following the same career path as Hulk Hogan? Well, Mr. Bieber is currently following the same career path as Justin Timberlake. 

If Justin Bieber shows up on Monday Night Raw, so will all his young, adoring fans. You know, the target market that the WWE currently placates to. It would be dumb to not have him on at this point.

...I told you I had no credibility to loose; what do you want me to say?

And now for some random thoughts...

Random Thought No. 1

"When my longtime girlfriend and I broke up, I learned a very valuable lesson about closure. It had been a couple of weeks and I hadn't talked to her, seen her and I was pretty sure she cropped me out of her Facebook profile picture. It's not like I wanted to throw myself at her mercy and beg for her to take me back, but I wish she would've just answered my texts when I asked "What happened to our relationship?" 

A couple months had passed with still no word from her. I moved on to bigger and better girls. I Had numerous dates with co-workers, hell, I even went through a faze where I just hung out with girls whose names started with the letter "V." It was tricky, but I made it work. Things were going so well until I got drunk and lonely and started wondering, demanding and seeking the answers to all the questions I still had about our failed relationship...

How can someone just walk away from something that lasted over a year and not tell you why they were walking away? Who does that? It's like she just thought I'd shrug my shoulders and move on along with her; like I'd get amnesia and forget about something that I was invested in for a year of my life like it never happened. 

Turns out that I should have just let it go; because when I finally poked the bear enough times, I was rewarded with information and an ending to the story I would have rather not known. She eventually called me back and told me that she fell in love, was getting married, moved to Florida and was pregnant. When I asked with whom, she briefly paused and told me that while we were dating she slept with a close friend of mine, who moved to Florida two months prior, found out she was pregnant and went to be with him...

And when Hornswoggle was yanked from underneath the ring holding a laptop, I was instantly reminded that some things are just better left to the imagination. Closure is sometimes a nasty, filthy (expletive)."

That was an impassioned monologue my friend went into after we were all (unceremoniously) treated to the identity of the longtime Anonymous Raw General Manager this past week on Raw.

To briefly chalk it up: It's one thing to finally plug up a long-standing plot hole, but it's an entirely different thing to do it while holding both your middle fingers up while smiling ear to ear. While I'm happy we finally have some "closure," I think we can all agree that if WWE creative really wanted to end one of the biggest mysterious within the WWE universe, it could have tried a little harder to come to a more satisfying, logical conclusion.

The underlying problem, not to mention a severe cancer within the current landscape of the WWE, is that creative doesn't seem to care. They had built a myth, shrouded in secrecy, rumors and speculation. A plot line that people were genuinely interested in. They could have taken every opportunity to link it to the conspiracy angle, or the impending Lesnar/Heyman revolution, or even just left it open until it fit perfectly with another story arch. Instead, we get to be the butt of a joke that no one found funny...

...except for the eight-year-olds wearing green in the front row. I hate those kids. 

Random Thought No. 2

I loved the opening to Raw this past Monday. The opening segment between Punk, AJ and Bryan was a beautiful concoction of misguided romance, jealousy, failed proposals, hilarious lines and faces mixed with pure entertainment. It truly showed how "out of hand" this whole situation has become and that both men are willing to manipulate AJ in order to become/remain WWE champion.

It perfectly sets the stage for what should be a "match of the year" candidate. A 5-star epic between two of the premiere wrestlers in the company while surrounded by unknown drama and plot turns. This is why I love wrestling. A great match that's put in the context of a story of unknowns. 

It should headline the pay-per-view, but then again, "Anything is possible!"

Random Thought No. 3

Who the hell is Dean Ambrose, and why should I care at this particular moment? Don't worry...I'll wait for a mature, poignant and logical response.

Random Thought No. 4

I'd like to amend one of my previous "Bold Predictions" that I made earlier. John Morrison will not become a World Heavyweight Champion this year. My friend just told me he's currently not with the company, currently rendering it impossible for that to happen.

John Morrison isn't with the company anymore? Then who the hell is that overrated, can't-speak-into-a-microphone hack who looks like he lost all his wrestling ability and role in the company years ago?

My Friend: I think you're referring to Jerry "The King" Lawler...

Random Thought No. 5

If you ever want to introduce a new person to the wonderful world of professional wrestling, then you should start with this year's Money in the Bank pay-per-view.

They'll see ladder matches, John Cena vs. Chris Jericho, a wrestling exhibition with Punk and Bryan, an overview of fresh, young talent and the spectacle and entertainment value that comes with the WWE product. Plus, they won't have to suffer through excruciatingly long commercial breaks that completely takes the viewer out of whatever match they're currently watching. 

Will this year be better than last year's rendition? Probably not, but last year everyone was riding sky-high on the intoxicating fumes of CM Punk finally becoming a star. Once everyone gets over the nostalgia of last year's breakthrough story angle, everyone will realize this has potential to be better than last year. Money in the Bank has become one of the premiere wrestling pay-per-views in the company; it'll be good. 

This reminds me of how everyone immediately started hating on the new Spiderman movie for the sole reason they didn't understand why the franchise needed a re-boot so quickly. Sure, Sam Raimi and Tobey McGuire worked magic on the first two movies of the franchise, but the third one left a huge sour taste in everyone's mouth. Not to mention the fact that the new franchise—directed by Marc Webb and starring Andrew (I should be part owner of Facebook) Garfield—has a ton more potential than the previous series.

This year's Money in the Bank could blow your freaking mind if you give it an honest chance.

Random Thought No. 6

I'm not the biggest Sheamus fan, but I'm rooting for him this Sunday. I would like to see Sheamus defend his title against Randy Orton at Summerslam. Whether he beats Orton or not won't matter to me, but ever since I started to re-invest my time into the WWE product (November of 2010), I've been blown away by the quality of matches Orton and Sheamus put on. 

If we go Lesnar/Triple H, Punk/Cena, Orton/Sheamus, Rhodes/Christian, a tag team title match and hopefully a show-opener of Bryan/Jericho with a little Rey Mysterio sprinkled in somewhere, Summerslam has the potential of being better than WrestleMania...

Then again, I forgot I don't have the ability to actually plot this stuff, so I guess I'll retreat back to my cave and continue to type and dream of a day when we actually get treated to loaded pay-per-view cards that follow logical progressions, stories and continuity. 

Perhaps instead of predicting the future and hoping for a better "tomorrow," I'll just concede to the powers that be and enjoy whatever I'm presented with. This is wrestling, after all. It should be enjoyed for what it is and not something to debate, complain and argue about...

Then again, what the hell else would I do with this platform of power beneath my fingers? Report the news? I'd rather read the news, watch the product and comment accordingly.

Then again, perhaps I do report the news in some strange way...