NASCAR Facing Class Action Lawsuit: France Implements Sweeping Changes (Satire)

A news conference today at Daytona USA is expected to turn the NASCAR world upside down. According to unnamed sources, Brian France called an emergency meeting late last night after reading an article on Bleacher Report.

“I have worked with our advisors throughout the night and hammered out a plan that will forever change NASCAR,” France said. “Seeing how easy it was for Rick Hendrick to pick up a sponsor based solely on a single race event, it gave me the idea that more sponsors would come forward given the right environment.”

Hendrick struck a deal with Crayola Crayons to sponsor Dale Earnhardt Jr. in California, because of Earnhardt having trouble staying inside the lines at Daytona.

“Starting with the 2010 race season, NASCAR will handle all team sponsorships directly through our marketing department," France said. “All potential sponsors will deal directly with the sanctioning body, we will negotiate all contracts and control every aspect of whom that sponsor works with. Teams will be issued a sponsor at the beginning of the season either through a lottery, or, in rare cases, based on certain events of the previous season."

France seemed to be armed with examples.

“Here are a few examples,” France said, “This year Dale Jr. is sponsored by Amp Energy Drink. Suppose he has a really bad season. Next year, his sponsor would be Kleenex.

“Tony Stewart feels he is being screwed every week by Goodyear, so his sponsor next year will be Trojan Condoms.”

Before the meeting ended, a flurry of sponsors, including Sylvan Learning Centers (expected to sponsor Kyle Busch) and Norelco (expected to sponsor Jimmie Johnson) had committed orally.

Creative marketing in these tough economic times is crucial to sponsorship dollars. France feels that team owners are not capitalizing on this strategy in a way that is geared more towards the NASCAR family.

“Carl Edwards is sponsored by AFLAC,” said France. “Carl is a very healthy driver who doesn’t need the services of AFLAC. Next year, AFLAC will sponsor a driver who was hurt the previous year, or down on his luck from an injury, like Steve Park, for example.”

The biggest question being asked is, without sponsorship dollars, how will teams function? France seems to have that covered also.

“We will issue owners a debit card for each car they wish to field,” said France. “All cars, parts, and everything involved in racing will come through NASCAR. All drivers and owners will be paid the same and a $50 bonus will be given to the winning driver and owner each race.

“At the end of the racing season, if there is any sponsor money left over, it will be returned to the team carrying that sponsor. Of course, it will be returned after an administrative fee is deducted."

A further part of his plan is to have each track construct a store and vending area where teams can purchase extra items that might be needed for race weekend.

“If you crash your primary car, just go to the car vending machine and purchase a backup,” quipped France. 

All NASCAR-owned tracks will be outfitted with a parts store and vending areas. Tracks not owned by NASCAR will have to lease a parts store and vending area from NASCAR.

Other changes outlined in France’s plan are the implementation of “Officially Licensed NASCAR” terms.

“From now on, everything at a NASCAR race will be officially licensed, including the fans,” stated France. “If you want to buy tickets to the race, you must be an officially licensed fan. This can be done online or while you are at your local NASCAR track.

“Entering the track obligates you to wear only officially-licensed NASCAR clothes. If you do not have proper clothing, it will be available for purchase at the track. We own the majority of the tracks, the food services, and souvenirs, so why not make it a coverall?”

It is also rumored that NASCAR is in negotiation to purchase one of the big three automakers.

“A purchase of a manufacturer would greatly improve our position in the global car economy,” said France. “Once this purchase is approved, the winning manufacturer will become the officially licensed car of NASCAR, and be the only car approved to run in a NASCAR race.”

This development will also have profound effects on fans.

“If you are parking at the track, then you will be parking only an officially-licensed NASCAR car," said France. "If you don’t have an officially-licensed NASCAR car, one will be available for purchase at the track.

For those not willing to make a purchase, France says they will have parking set-up at least two miles from the track so inferior cars will not be seen by loyal NASCAR car owners.

Not to worry, though, as France also outlined a plan to provide shuttle service for those parking in the inferior parking lots. A shuttle fee, of course, will be charged.

France also outlined a plan to remove all team haulers.

“With the big three automakers on the verge of bankruptcy, there is an abundance of car carriers available for purchase,"said France. "Teams will use the buddy system and share car carriers each week.”

Drivers and owners are furious over this announcement. A meeting of the mega-owners is scheduled for Charlotte, North Carolina tomorrow morning.

“Filing a class-action lawsuit is the only way we are going to stop this madness,” said Richard Childress, owner of Richard Childress Racing. “This could very well be the trial of the century.”

Filing the lawsuit is not the real issue at hand; it’s being able to get a good team of lawyers. The majority of the lawyers involved in the previous "trial of the century" are dead. It is also a well known fact that NASCAR has a significant amount of attorneys across the country on their payroll.

Rick Hendrick, owner of Hendrick Motorsports, has vowed to take this all the way to the Supreme Court. This also could be a major setback for owners and drivers.

Last month, NASCAR entered into a contract with the Supreme Court to become the Official Supreme Court of NASCAR.