Spring Training Thoughts: Baseball Bets and Florida Fun

Ah, baseball begins again! The pitchers and catchers are playing in the sweet, sparkling sunshine in the land of the fabled Fountain of Youth.

No, hard eyed Ponce de León never found that magic fountain. The murderous conquistador died painfully kicking his Spanish leather boots in the hot sand with a sharp poisoned arrow burning up his brain.

Florida, like baseball, is not always what it seems.

No, it is Seminole Bingo, foreclosed houses, empty, half-built condos, and angry, frightened senior citizens.

It is aging, armed CIA "Spooks" and cranky Cubans waiting for Castro to croak.

It is the witness protection mob hit men running crazed calzone shops and cracking customers.

It is the Space Coast praying their space ship does not shatter.

It is a Key West so yuppified Hemingway would weep in his whiskey.

It is Goofy, Mickey, Minnie, and Daffy drinking heavily because Madoof made off with the big mad mouse's hoarded money. Minnie is moaning every night and tearing out her perfect mouse hair because that black-hearted bastard stole her stash.

In is a warm land of cartoon characters gone to seed, the demented Daffy Duck is the one ye should be worried about. Not only is the duck drunk all the time but the frightened mice whisper that he is heavily armed and angry.  He is also sick of being treated like a cartoon character by some twisted banker big boy in a $10,000 suit.

Minnie says debauched Daffy waves his pistols in his cracked mirror, dead drunk by midnight, and roars "Say hello to my little friend." He also screams "are you talking to the demon Duck, are you talking to me!"

Degenerate Daffy lost a bunch on a bad bankers' hunch. With morning whiskey on his septic tank breath, he hisses to frightened fat children: "It ain't Disney World no more fat ass, get in shape and get a damn job. The big darkness be coming."

It is "quacky" Daffy, howling drunk, raging in the long black night and viciously vowing to sack Palm Beach like the Visigoths sacked old Rome. Mickey, they say, was never the mean one. It was always the duck that was demented and dangerous. Daffy went bad and Goofy mean mad, but maybe Jerry Jones will make them Cowboys so they ain't so sad.

It is bombed, soft-brained B-list Bunnies overdosing and dying in bizarre Indian casinos.

It is stoned gators being wrestled by half-drunk Seminoles. It is parts of Miami that are so mean that even the police fear to tread there.

It is the sleepy-eyed mob men sadly moaning about a new breed of criminal. The Eastern Europeans, the Triad, the Caribs, and the South Americans bustling about making bucks the old-fashioned American way--stealing them.

It is the vapid, silicon-soaked, capitalistically-crazed, super skinny shades of South Beach. Empty cocained eyes, maxed credit cards, plastic faces, and white noses rolling along like mad mice on an old crumbling wheel.

It is dead-eyed junk bond kings and frightened bankers gone bad hiding in billion-dollar mansions hoping the storm, and the indictments, will pass them by. They are praying even harder that the terrible Skink Tyree does not slither from the swamp to deliver them justice--old-southern style.

It is the old Fontainebleau whispering mad tales of mob glories of yore: plots, dames, rum-drunk generals, and dangerous men long dead, now just angry shades  roaming its haunted halls hissing of plots and Black Op's, murder, mayhem, assassinations and coups on moonless midnights.

It is the sad ambushed, ghost of John Ashley wandering the steamy Everglades nights wondering what became of his Florida.

It is the big hurricane waiting to happen, and sometimes you can sympathize with the little dog about to be gobbled down by the icy eyed, evilly grinning gator. Sometimes you are that doomed dog.

It is Florida, and it is baseball in all it reptilian grace.

Florida can bring out the werewolf in all of us, even on moonless nights on desolate beaches slowly dying from the ripping oceans ever crashing tides.

The moon calls the tune we all dance to but, as George Carlin said, "There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

This is not a Carl Hiaasen tome so let us bring on the baseball banter.

It is not A-Roid, A-Hole or A-Fraud or whatever he is called these days.

It is not the Mets stadium being bilked for billions from a bailed out bank.

No, it is not the Mets fans bleating from the stands because they have just been fleeced. 

It is not Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens looming indictments or Roberto Alomar's ugly AIDS court case.

It is not the Shakespearean tale unfolding in Gotham where Hank and Hal have food tasters trying each dish the other one prepared while they draw lots to see who will smother the old Emperor gone to seed.

It is not arrests, steroids, drugs, divorces, and it is especially not Madonna with that phony British accent laughing in A-Roid's ear.

No it is baseball, damn it. It is America's pastime they say. It is as pure as chess with strategy and tactics as tricky as war or so the purists say. What is left to say?

Except for this:

"Where have you Gone Joe Dimaggio?  A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.... Joltin' Joe has left and gone away."

It is almost spring! Rebirth, baseball, Sweet Persephone is making her ancient, long winding-way up from the Underworld to meet her welcoming, warm-armed Momma.

Play Ball!

Hit it, John!

Well, beat the drum and hold the phone - the sun came out today!
We’re born again, there’s new grass on the field.
A-roundin’ third, and headed for home, it’s a brown-eyed handsome man;
Anyone can understand the way I feel.

Oh, put me in, coach - I’m ready to play today;
Put me in, coach - I’m ready to play today;
Look at me, I can be centerfield.

Well, I spent some time in the Mudville Nine, watchin’ it from the bench;
You know I took some lumps when the Mighty Casey struck out.
So Say Hey Willie, tell Ty Cobb and Joe DiMaggio;
Don’t say "it ain’t so", you know the time is now.

Oh, put me in, coach - I’m ready to play today;
Put me in, coach - I’m ready to play today;
Look at me, I can be centerfield.

Yeah! I got it, I got it!

Got a beat-up glove, a homemade bat, and brand-new pair of shoes;
You know I think it’s time to give this game a ride.
Just to hit the ball and touch ’em all - a moment in the sun;
(pop) it’s gone and you can tell that one goodbye!


Yeah!

ODDS TO WIN THE 2009 MLB WORLD SERIES
Sun 3/1  1:00 a.m. (EST)

9001   ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS          +1900  
9002   ATLANTA BRAVES          +1500  
9003   BALTIMORE ORIOLES          +8000  
9004   BOSTON RED SOX          +700  
9005   CHICAGO CUBS          +700  
9006   CHICAGO WHITE SOX          +2500  
9007   CINCINNATI REDS          +4000  
9008   CLEVELAND INDIANS          +1250  
9009   COLORADO ROCKIES          +5000  
9010   DETROIT TIGERS          +2500  
9011   FLORIDA MARLINS          +4000  
9012   HOUSTON ASTROS          +6000  
9013   KANSAS CITY ROYALS          +8000  
9014   LOS ANGELES ANGELS          +1200  
9015   LOS ANGELES DODGERS          +1800  
9016   MILWAUKEE BREWERS          +5000  
9017   MINNESOTA TWINS          +2500  
9018   NEW YORK METS          +600  
9019   NEW YORK YANKEES          +250  
9020   OAKLAND ATHLETICS          +3000  
9021   PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES          +1000  
9022   PITTSBURGH PIRATES          +9000  
9023   SAN DIEGO PADRES          +10000  
9024   SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS          +3000  
9025   SEATTLE MARINERS          +8000  
9026   ST. LOUIS CARDINALS          +2500  
9027   TAMPA BAY RAYS          +1000  
9028   TEXAS RANGERS          +5000  
9029   TORONTO BLUE JAYS          +6000  
9030   WASHINGTON NATIONALS          +10000  


2009 AMERICAN LEAGUE PENNANT
   
ODDS TO WIN THE 2009 AMERICAN LEAGUE PENNANT
Sun 3/1  12:00 p.m. (EST)

9031   BALTIMORE ORIOLES          +5000  
9032   BOSTON RED SOX          +350  
9033   CHICAGO WHITE SOX          +1200  
9034   CLEVELAND INDIANS          +800  
9035   DETROIT TIGERS          +1500  
9036   KANSAS CITY ROYALS          +4000  
9037   LOS ANGELES ANGELS          +650  
9038   MINNESOTA TWINS          +900  
9039   NEW YORK YANKEES          +125  
9040   OAKLAND ATHLETICS          +1000  
9041   SEATTLE MARINERS          +5000  
9042   TAMPA BAY RAYS          +700  
9043   TEXAS RANGERS          +3000  
9044   TORONTO BLUE JAYS          +2500  


2009 NATIONAL LEAGUE PENNANT
   
ODDS TO WIN THE 2009 NATIONAL LEAGUE PENNANT
Sun 3/1  12:00 p.m. (EST)

9045   ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS          +900  
9046   ATLANTA BRAVES          +900  
9047   CHICAGO CUBS          +300  
9048   CINCINNATI REDS          +1500  
9049   COLORADO ROCKIES          +1700  
9050   FLORIDA MARLINS          +1500  
9051   HOUSTON ASTROS          +2000  
9052   LOS ANGELES DODGERS          +800  
9053   MILWAUKEE BREWERS          +1700  
9054   NEW YORK METS          +250  
9055   PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES          +500  
9056   PITTSBURGH PIRATES          +5000  
9057   SAN DIEGO PADRES          +3000  
9058   SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS          +1200  
9059   ST. LOUIS CARDINALS          +1200  
9060   WASHINGTON NATIONALS          +5000  


2009 NATIONAL LEAGUE EAST DIVISION
   
NL EAST
Sun 4/5  12:00 p.m. (EST)

9101   ATLANTA BRAVES          +450  
9102   FLORIDA MARLINS          +600  
9103   NEW YORK METS          +120  
9104   PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES          +150  
9105   WASHINGTON NATIONALS          +4500  


2009 NATIONAL LEAGUE CENTRAL DIVISION
   
NL CENTRAL
Sun 4/5  12:00 p.m. (EST)

9106   CHICAGO CUBS          -160  
9107   CINCINNATI REDS          +600  
9108   HOUSTON ASTROS          +1500  
9109   MILWAUKEE BREWERS          +500  
9110   PITTSBURGH PIRATES          +2000  
9111   ST LOUIS CARDINALS          +500  


2009 NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST DIVISION
   
NL WEST
Sun 4/5  12:00 p.m. (EST)

9112   ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS          +160  
9113   COLORADO ROCKIES          +600  
9114   LOS ANGELES DODGERS          +140  
9115   SAN DIEGO PADRES          +1800  
9116   SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS          +400  


2009 AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST DIVISION
   
AL EAST
Sun 4/5  12:00 p.m. (EST)

9117   BALTIMORE ORIOLES          +5000  
9118   BOSTON RED SOX          +175  
9119   NEW YORK YANKEES          -135  
9120   TAMPA BAY RAYS          +350  
9121   TORONTO BLUE JAYS          +1500  


2009 AMERICAN LEAGUE CENTRAL DIVISION
   
AL CENTRAL
Sun 4/5  12:00 p.m. (EST)

9122   CHICAGO WHITE SOX          +300  
9123   CLEVELAND INDIANS          +200  
9124   DETROIT TIGERS          +350  
9125   KANSAS CITY ROYALS          +1200  
9126   MINNESOTA TWINS          +150  



2009 AMERICAN LEAGUE WEST DIVISION
   
AL WEST
Sun 4/5  12:00 p.m. (EST)

9127   LOS ANGELES ANGELES          -220  
9128   OAKLAND ATHLETICS          +250  
9129   SEATTLE MARINERS          +1000  
9130   TEXAS RANGERS          +500