Alex Rodriguez Admits Nothing We Didn't Already Know

For the record, I will sing backup vocals...oh, and I don't really care how a person abuses themselves physically. Please, just stop abusing me mentally with your fake apologies and insincere excuses.

The following is some of what Alex Rodriguez had to say a few days ago about his inclusion on a list of MLB players who tested positive for steroids ten years ago:

"Back then, it was a different culture," Rodriguez said. "It was very loose. I was young. I was stupid. I was naive. And I wanted to prove to everyone that I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time."

You may think this statement is bold and that Alex is facing the problem head-on. This is only because you are comparing it to the other weasel admissions on the same topic. First he blames the era, then he blames youthful indiscretion.

So his irresponsible youth ended precisely the moment SI published proof that he was hiding this lie. A-Rod has always had great timing.

Rodriguez added: "I am sorry for my Texas years. I apologize to the fans of Texas." But he followed it up by saying that his Yankees years, the best baseball of his career, were "clean".

So you're saying Alex, if I can interpret douchebag-ese, that taking steroids to bulk up and increase strength and overall muscle mass doesn't help a professional athlete's performance after they stop doing it?

Right, because I remember that one guy who was 150 lbs in college and then he took steroids to get up around 220 lbs, but then after he quit taking them he went right back down to 150 lbs.

What was his name again?

Milt, no Mort...Mort..on...Morton Blum..en...fe..eld...quist...er NEVER HAPPENED.

He also reasoned, "I felt a tremendous pressure to play, and play really well."

I'm really sorry that a professional competitor feels pressure to perform. You should be able to relieve that pressure with a relaxing off-season vacation, massage therapists in the locker room, wheelbarrows of cash, Madonna, or even a few Michael Phelps lung sized bong rips.

Instead, you cheated.

"I did take a banned substance. And for that, I am very sorry and deeply regretful."

No, Alex, you regret that we found out, otherwise you would have apologized last week, or last year.

Rodriguez's apology is like every episode of Cops where dude breaks the law, dude runs, dude gets caught, then dude says I'm sorry I ran, please don't hit me with that nightstick again. We all know that he ran because he wanted to get away.

If Rodriguez would have gotten away with it, like he thought he did for the last ten years and like many others apparently have, would he be sorry?

I can't wait for the first professional athlete to come forth prior to being caught and say,"I cheated because I wanted to win and get paid more than I wanted to fairly compete or be a good person."

Because that is the only truth of all steroid use situations.