The Bluths Explain Football: A Tennessee Titans Primer

Welcome back to the Bluths Explain Football, an ongoing series in which the cast of Arrested Development gives you insight into the AFC South.

Today's episode is "My Mother, the Car." It has plenty to teach us about the AFC South.

Plot

Lucille plans a surprise party for herself, but no one attends. Michael tries to sell the yacht. Buster takes his relationship with his mother's best friend to the next level.

While Lindsey visits her father in prison, Lucille decides to try and scare Gob. The result is a car accident that leaves Michael very confused.

George Sr. finally reveals to Lindsey why no one in prison will hit on her, and all the children begrudgingly tell their mother that she's not a horrible mother.

She is.

Quotes

"I enjoy bicentennials as much as the next guy, but we're not doing that."

- Michael

Again, Bud Adams leaps to mind. Supply your own punchline. It's Friday, and I'm not going waste time on the tap-ins.

"You're my third least favorite child."

"I can live with that"

- Lucille and Michael

The NFL popularity rankings came out, and the Titans didn't fare so well. They were 27th overall. That places them as the third-most popular team in the South, just behind the Texans.

I suppose that makes them the second-least favorite child in the South, but it's close.

"It would have been funny if it wasn't so...it was kind of funny."

- Michael

Can I cheat for a moment? Of course, I can.

I have to go back to Jeff Fisher's infamous appearance in a Peyton Manning jersey. I was always a huge Fisher fan, and recently saw this epic contest on Music City Miracles.

"You know she's been a horrible mother, right?"

"I know, but what was I going to say?"

- Gob and Michael

The Titans spent much of the offseason trying to replace Eugene Amano, but as of right now at least, their starting center is still Eugene Amano. The team can talk open competition all they want, but there's still a good shot Amano wins the job again.

The Titans will queue up the quotes about how he's improved, but you know, what are they going to say?

"Is it I or me?"

"Buster, it's us!"

"Yes, it is us! US!"

- Buster and Lucille Austero

The collaborative nature of the Titans' quarterback race has been inspiring. It's almost such a cliche, you wonder if it's true. You have the highly drafted young rookie who played college ball in the same state as the grizzled veteran. They come together with a new team, working to make each other better.

If I stuck that as a plot line in a novel, people would complain it was too canned. For now, it seems to be working for the Titans.

"If it's an idiot on a scooter at night, it's got to be Gob."

- Lucille

It's not really fair to bring up past sins, but in this case it works to mention Kenny Britt. If you heard that a Titan was arrested, you'd probably guess it was Britt due to his other misadventures with the cops.

You'd probably find yourself saying, "I've made a terrible mistake." Britt seems dedicated to turning his life around, and just like Lucille was wrong about Gob, you'd be wrong about Britt.

"For the first time in years, I felt like I was standing on solid ground!"

"My panic attacks have decreased."

- Lucille Austero and Buster

The Titans are building a passing offense! After more than a decade of ground-based plodding, the Titans have been amassing aerial firepower.

It's like the long local nightmare has finally ended. A modern offense is coming to Nashville. Huzzah!

"What's wrong with your head?"

"Nothing. Gob was just teaching me how to hit it with a hammer."

- Michael and Buster

I'm still not crazy about the lack of true pass rushers on the Titans. I know they are planning on blitzing more, and the hope is that Kamerion Wimbley will make a huge impact, but I'm not buying it.

Whenever I see a team that just refuses to improve a key element of their squad, I always feel like beating myself in the head with a hammer.

Actually, I may have done that a few times already. I guess that explains this series.

"That's all I ever wanted from you, Daddy. For you to spend money on me."

- Lindsey

Two words: Chris Johnson.

Analysis

The Titans are hoping to throw a surprise party for the playoffs, but it remains to be seen if any of their players will show up for it.

They have to hope that Chris Johnson is finally done wearing his "slut" shirt, and is ready to get down to business, finally happy they spent money on him.

If the "Michael of the South" can just stay foggy for a bit longer, their grand scheme might pay off.