Dear Jerry Buss...Keep Kobe Bryant

Dear Jerry Buss,

Under normal circumstances, you're the type of guy other guys look at and say, "Man, he's got the life." 

Even at 74 years old, you're the envy of the male species.  And why shouldn't you be?  You're wealthy. You live by the beach. You own one of the marquee franchises in all of sports.  And if that weren't enough, you spend your free time playing poker, partying with famous Hollywooders, and hanging out with women half your age...or sometimes even younger.  

Of course, that was before you ran into the Week from Hell. 

Here's how I imagine your last few days...

MONDAY

You come to in a pool of your own vomit, having spent the weekend out-partying Tobey Maguire and all the other young Hollywood punks who tried to step to you. 

After schooling them at cards, drinking them under the table, and stealing their hot young girlfriends, you awake in the afternoon to hear that your star player, Kobe Bryant, is making noise about getting Jerry West back in the Lakers front office. 

Oh boy. 

From what's being reported, it sounds like there are already plans in place to bring Mr. Clutch back to Los Angeles in an advisory role.  So you don't panic.  Rather, you scratch your ass, grunt to yourself, and go back to bed.

TUESDAY

More partying.  Maybe too much partying.  You get arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence in the wee hours of the morning.  All "suspicion" is then removed when you issue the following statement: 

Although I was driving only a short distance, it was a bad decision and I was wrong to do it. It was a mistake I will not make again.

The good news is that there's reportedly a 23-year-old woman in the vehicle with you.  Nice work.  That's the Jerry Buss we're used to. Clearly, you've still "got it."

WEDNESDAY

Your boy Kobe is on the loose again. 

This time Number 24 gets on Stephen A. Smith's radio show and just goes nuts.  He alleges that you and the rest of the Lakers organization lied about your plans for the future when he re-signed in 2004. He claims that you, Mr. Buss, told him you were building a winner around him effective immediately...while telling Phil Jackson that your Lakers were "scaling back" on cap costs and looking to rebuild long term. 

Whoops.

What's more, Kobe says he doesn't trust the organization and demands a trade.  He later softens that stance, saying something about talking to Phil and wanting to be a Laker for life. 

I'll stop here, because your head is probably starting to hurt. 

So what's a swinging guy like you to do?  You have a disgruntled superstar who, fairly or not, is upset with the way you're conducting your business.  Without him, your '07-'08 season comes down to Lamar Odom, Kwame Brown's expiring contract, and the unrealistic hope that Andrew Bynum can develop at a supersonic pace. 

And you won't even be allowed to drive yourself to the games.    

You probably don't want my advice, but here it is anyway: Keep Kobe.  Talk him off the ledge.  Trade for whoever he wants, pay the luxury tax if you have to, only date 24-year-old women in honor of his jersey number—anything it takes to keep him in that purple and gold uniform. 

If you try trading him, he's going to be picky about where he goes (don't forget that no-trade clause), you'll have no leverage, and you won't get anything close to fair value.  It'll be like the Shaq deal all over again. 

You don't want another debacle like that on your hands, do you Mr. Buss?

Your next move is the immediate firing of GM Mitch Kupchak.  Yeah, I know he's been with the Lakers organization for a long time.  But he has to go.

Look at the deals he's made. Look at the deals he hasn't made. Look at the players he's drafted. Granted, he hasn't screwed up as much as some GMs (I'm looking in the general direction of Kevin McHale and Danny Ainge), but still...he's nowhere near as valuable as Kobe is.

The bottom line is this: You're screwed either way. If you keep Bryant, the Kobe haters will criticize you for letting him run the team.  If you trade him, your fickle fans—to say nothing of all those celebrities—stop caring and stop coming to games.  The Lakers become a mediocre franchise in a big market—a club that's going to have trouble competing in the wild, wild Western Conference.  

And if things really go downhill, the Clippers will steal your press.

Look, Mr. Buss, I feel for you. I know the last thing a happenin' playa like yourself wants is to spend your last days on Earth as the owner of a once-proud team that can no longer get it done. 

It'd be like owning the Celtics.  And I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Keep it real,

Dave