The Bluths Explain Football: A Houston Texans Primer

Nate Dunlevy@NateDunlevyGuest ColumnistJune 8, 2012

His first name is intials too!
His first name is intials too!Patrick McDermott/Getty Images

Welcome back to the Bluths Explain Football, an ongoing series in which the cast of Arrested Development gives you insight into the AFC South.

Today's episode is "Charity Drive." Let's see what it can teach about the Houston Texans.

Plot Summary

Michael realizes that riding his bike to work is causing him problems. Meanwhile, the rest of the family is using George Sr.'s car with impunity.

Michael and Gob get in a spat over frozen bananas, but resolve it when Michael has to ask a favor. Gob foists the job of breaking into the permit office off on George Michael.

Lindsey tries to save the wetlands and winds up a mess. Buster inadvertently bids on Lucille Austero in a charity auction.

Michael is arrested for kidnapping, all because he was trying to be a nice guy.


"Honestly? Gob's driving the car?"

"I'm not the liar"

-Michael and Lucille

This one goes out to T.J. Yates, who finds himself taking all the snaps in OTAs while Matt Schaub recovers. This kind of fill-in duty is nothing new to Yates who kept the team afloat last year when Schaub went down.

If you want to use my likeness for a Hamburgaler-type character, I'll sign off on it. Mr. Banana-grabber?


I could totally see Wade Phillips as a Hamburgaler. Or Grimace.

They didn't sneak into this country to be your friend.


The Texans are the newest franchise in the NFL, and they've finally started to flex their muscles. After a division title and a playoff win, they have established an identity behind a mean defense that causes chaos rushing the passer. They are no one's friend.

You must have scrimped and saved for these.

-Lucille Austero

It's been a tough offseason for the team. They haven't been able to spend money on high-profile free agents. Yes, they recently signed Justin Forsett, but they had to find some change under the cushions to pull it off.

"Call Gob. He'll handle it. That's what he's for."

"That's what he's for."

-George Sr. and Michael

How can someone be so good at one specific thing and so bad at just about everything else? That's what people have been asking about Wade Phillips for years. He's such a gifted defensive mind and a brilliant coordinator, but every time someone hands him a head coaching job, he flubs it up.

Then he goes back to being a coordinator, and everyone says, "Oh, that's what he's for..."

"I want the respect of your son."

"You'd better let me do the talking then."

-Gob and Michael

While Rick Smith and Gary Kubiak are both angling for new contracts, Kubiak would do well to let Smith do the talking to Bob McNair's son. I think Kubiak's case for a new deal is dicey, but I'm in love with the job Smith has done.


"Scared-o. I know that one."

-Latina lady and Michael

The Texans have a lot of strength, but receiver isn't one of them. With Andre Johnson nursing a knee injury, Kubiak has to look out on his motley crew of pass catchers and say, "Scared-o".

It smells worse than before...Oh God, it's me.


Everyone is calling the AFC South the worst division in football. While I consider that a massive miscalculation, the reason is because the Texans have slipped from outstanding team to pretty good team over the past few months.

The national press may be overestimating the impact of all the players the Texans lost, but only the most fervent Texans fan would deny the team will be challenged to replace all the lost pieces. A lot of good veteran leaders moved on, and that can take a toll on a club.


The Texans are the Michael Bluth of the AFC South right now. They keep doing all the right things, but they just can't catch a break. By the time they got to take a championship ride, the car was so beat up they had to wonder if they wouldn't have been better off in a cab.

Despite the rough offseason, I still believe they will make a grand gesture in 2012. They are the prettiest girl at the dance, after all. The Texans are going to have the kind of season they'll tell their sons about.

Let's just hope they don't give up the animation rights.


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    D.J. Reader: Texans Took 'Licks on the Chin' in 2017

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