Funniest Sports Moments: Embarassment of the Network Stars

Over the years, network television has provided millions with exceptional entertainment. It has also offered hours of substandard minutiae that helped transform porn into a billion dollar industry. Several rungs below that, there was the Battle of the Network Stars.

Conceived as prime-time material, the Battle of the Network Stars proved that Hollywood only thought it was receiving the best drugs.

However, one particular episode accomplished something truly unique. It drove married couples back to the bedroom. It also scarred a generation.

Here's how it unfolded. The basic premise of this network miscarriage was to assemble celebrities of the day to compete in an athletic competition. Segregated by networks, three teams would participate in varied activities, with the highest scoring team winning.

This accomplished two things. First, it satisfied the swollen egos of the actors, exposing to all their bloated perception of self-importance. Second, it drove millions of unsuspecting people to dependency on prescription drugs. We as a nation have yet to recover.

True to the tenets of full disclosure, I submit for you the contestants. As you will see, this cornucopia of marginal talent doomed this exercise from the beginning.

You had a marginally athletic actor (Gabe Kaplan), a chain-smoking Greek (Telly Savalas), an actress still unaware of her future sexuality (Joanna Pettit), an obnoxious runt with a Napoleon complex (Robert Conrad), a sober Irishman (Ben Murphy), and an unidentified participant who failed to realize wearing striped tube socks and resembling George Costanza was no way to go through life.

Another anonymous contestant, known only as The Candyman, also took part.

The event was a simple 4 X 100 relay race. Simple enough on its face and direct in its purpose. What could possibly go wrong?

The race began without a hitch, the athletes obviously striving to exorcise the past demons of attending gym class in black socks. However, the back stretch was when it all went so terribly wrong.

Conrad knocked over his teammate, Pettit, sending her sprawling. It was apparent that this was a tactic Conrad had used on countless women before. In an attempt to recover precious time, and shield his own humiliation from the cameras, Murphy retreated several feet to accept the baton from Pettit. Nobody knows why, and to this day, no one is talking.

This act was a clear violation of the rules, and a mediator was summoned. Upon review, he assessed Conrad's team a penalty, and Kaplan's team enjoyed the fruits of victory.

The flaring of tempers ensued, but two important points must be noted. The penalty did not alter the outcome of the race. Additionally, the prolonged exposure by viewers to the hideous athletic attire scarred many impressionable children for life.

Still, one would have prayed that this would have ended the spectacle. But alas, no such luck.

Not content with being a first class butthole, Conrad challenged Kaplan to a separate race to determine the outcome. Kaplan agreed. Savalas then petitioned to be included, but was denied, no doubt due to an overabundance of unsightly back hair.

Soon (although not soon enough for millions of people), the subsequent battle was joined. Conrad took an early lead, but Mr. Kotter caught and passed him in the home stretch, finally deciding the competition. Not only did this ensure Kaplan's place in the Jewish Sports Hall Of Fame, but it cemented Conrad's among the pantheon of douchebags.

I wish I could say that the pain was over. Unfortunately, this seemingly ignominious event spawned a wave of collateral damage. As in all conflict, the innocents pay the ultimate price.

A brief summary of the carnage. To begin, those on the periphery, unfortunately caught on camera, mere bystanders to the maelstrom. Ron Howard's career emerged unscathed, but reports confirm that his rapid hair loss began soon after this episode was aired.

Penny Marshall and Farrah Fawcett also were caught on tape. Ironically, their subsequent choices for husbands prevented this from being a low-water mark. Horshack and that chick from Love Boat were also exposed, cementing their fate. They will be forever known as Horshack and that chick from Love Boat.

Then there were the non-competing guest celebrities, such as Howard Cosell. This was not the ultimate disgrace in this illustrious broadcaster's career, actually; that distinction is reserved for that hairpiece.

And Bruce Jenner, of course. Getting involved in the first place doomed this once-proud champion to a life of infomercials and trailer park dwelling. And let's not forget Howard Katz, the mediator and ruling body of this sordid affair, who was banished from his synagogue and has not seen his children to this day (per their request).

Sadly, the contestants themselves languish with others of their ilk, living out their lives with the cast from Hollywood Squares and various failed spinoffs. Oh yeah, and the guy who invented leisure suits.

One could only hope that, by now, this tragic episode might be forgotten. But that's not what YouTube does. It's not who they are.

We are left to pay the price. Tragic indeed.