Barcelona vs. Real Madrid: 7 Things Certain to Happen in El Clasico (Humor)

El Clasico. It is the biggest rivalry in Europe. Nothing comes close to the history and animosity shared between these two clubs.

In the last two seasons, tensions seem to have peaked. The apparent hate between the clubs has reached such heights that it even affects the foreign fanbase.

In the weeks building up to a Clasico, fans that have no personal attachment to either club express anger, resentment and even hate towards one another.

With everyone in the Spanish footballing world being so strung out, sometimes we just need a release. We have to be able to look at the way grown men act on a football pitch and give a little chuckle.

We are fans of the game after all, aren't we? We don't all have to be enemies just because of which team we support.

With that in mind, here are sevens things we are sure to see in this Saturday's Clasico.

Busquets and Di Maria Will "Break a Leg"

Sergio Busquets and Angel di Maria are well respected for their abilities on the pitch. Everyone has their hobbies, though, and these two footballers are no different. 

Ironically, they share the same hobby: acting.

While neither player has had any major roles yet due to their busy football schedules, the season is over soon, so these guys will be tweaking their performances as we near the summer.

With this weekend's Clasico sure to draw countless talent scouts, watch for both players to put on their best performance.

Break a leg, you say? Some injury will be faked, but let's not limit these guys to just legs. Face-grabbing is always a good option.

See Sergio do his best here. Can Di Maria do better? Check here and decide for yourself. Always performing for the crowd, these guys.

Note to scouts: While Sergio and Angel are the main focus, Alexis Sanchez and Cristiano Ronaldo will be trying for "Best Supporting Actor."

Let us hope they do upstage their teammates.

Pepe's War on Insects Will Continue

I don't know what it is about Camp Nou, but there always seems to be a disgusting level of bugs on the pitch during Clasicos.

Most Real Madrid players just ignore it and Barcelona are used to it, but for some reason, it really upsets Pepe. Perhaps he suffers from entomophobia—a fear of insects.

Maybe some of you have yet to notice how much of a problem this is for Pepe, but there is lots of video evidence.

Check out this video. Messi likely had a grasshopper on his hand, so Pepe was nice enough to try and squash them.

Dani Alves tried getting some ants off the ball once, but Pepe wanted to do the honors himself. If you watch this video, it's hard to tell which player killed them first.

Another time, something went airborne. Maybe some mosquitoes came out. Click here to watch Pepe try and swat those suckers away.

In this case, Javi Casquero must have had a swarm of bees on him or something. Pepe tried his best to killed them all, but he underestimated their number.

Let's hope Camp Nou cleans up before kickoff this time.

The Ref Will Get Help

Just imagine being told that you have to referee the biggest rivalry match in all of Europe. Not only is El Clasico an enormous match, but it is often one with high tensions and even brawling.

Referees in these matches have to keep fouls to a minimum and also see through rampant diving, acting and deceptions.

Sometimes, referees just can't see everything happening on the pitch and may miss a foul or two. Don't you think refs would like a little help?

No worries, that is where the players come in. Guys like Xavi, Puyol, Xabi, Busquets, and Mascherano are usually right there when refs need them.

Players will actually go out of his way to tell the referee: "Excuse me, sir. There was a foul over there that deserves a card."

There are usually more Barcelona players that crowd the ref, but that makes sense. After all, Barcelona players have generally been in La Liga longer, so they know the rules better.

With these players on the pitch this weekend, I think we can all rest easy knowing the right calls will be made.

Ronaldo Will Fail to Impress... Again

Poor Cristiano Ronaldo. How any man can feel anything but pity for this man escapes me. All he has ever tried to do as a footballer is impress women. Tried and failed.

Take a look at the picture above. That girl is some model named Irina Shayk. Apparently she is pretty famous in Russia.

As you can see in the picture, this girl doesn't even respect Ronaldo enough to put on a little makeup. Is it that hard to apply lipstick? She is just not good enough for him.

As hard as Ronaldo tries on the pitch to attract women, he has had to settle for girls like these. Among others, he has dated Kim Kardashian and Gemma Atkinson. Not a single "7" in there.

With Lionel Messi sharing the pitch this weekend, Ronaldo will likely have to just take Irina home again.

Can the guy ever catch a break?

Pep and Jose Will Continue to Praise Each Other

Pep Guardiola and Jose Mourinho are old friends.They go way back.

Before managing, these two used to run around Camp Nou together, likely cracking jokes and taking turns imitating Sir Alex Ferguson.

Since Jose Mourinho has taken over Real Madrid, these two just cannot seem to stop complimenting each other. Just take a look at what each man has said about the other in the last year:

Guardiola: "He is the chief, the man." (source)

Mourinho: "Now there is a third group, which is only [Guardiola]...There is a new meaning to [football] now." "[Pep] Guardiola is an intelligent kid... " (source)

Mighty big praise coming from these two. Don't you think?

When these two buddies return to their old stomping grounds this weekend, expect nothing less than the utmost courtesy.

If we're lucky, Mourinho may even help Barcelona assistant Tito scratch his eye again.

The Spanish National Team Will Unite

It never fails. Every single Clasico, something happens that shows how much tension there is between Spanish and non-Spanish players.

As you see in the picture, Spaniards Valdes, Pique and Sergio are having trouble with foreigners Ronaldo, Marcelo and Pepe. But the fights go well beyond that single incident.

Looking at this video, we see two such national wars at once. First, Marcelo goes after Cesc Fabregas, a Spaniard, likely due to a language barrier. Soon after, fellow Spaniard David Villa goes after German Mesut Ozil.

The cultural differences have no bounds. Even coaches get involved. Last season, Pep Guardiola disrespected Ronaldo by not giving him the ball, clearly because he is a foreigner.

The player in the worst situation is Lionel Messi. Since he has dual citizenship, he is obviously torn about which side to take in these fights and usually tries to just find a way to sit out. He must be so conflicted.

In the end, the Spanish national team only gets stronger from uniting against foreign invaders of La Liga.

No wonder they won the last World Cup. The rest of the continent can thank the Clasicos if Spain wins the Euros this summer.

This Will Go Beyond Football

Like I said in the intro slide, this match goes well beyond just what happens on the pitch. Why should we limit it to just one sport, after all?

As you've seen in the other slides, fans will get to see a bit of theater, some boxing, maybe a little kickboxing even. There will hot girls, loads of scouts and basically a mini war pinning the Spanish against the world.

With so much excitement and with this match going beyond just a single sporting event, how could you possibly risk missing it? I encourage everyone to make time for this one.

Just sit back, get your best friends together—make sure not to mix Spanish and non-Spanish friends—and get the popcorn ready.

Dim the lights and turn the volume up. Get ready to laugh; get ready to cry; get ready to punch someone in the face.

El Clasico will have it all.