The Bob Hope Classic: Through the Eyes of a Tour Professional (Humor)

I pull up to the Nicklaus Private course for my first round of the Bob Hope Classic.

As I walk towards the clubhouse I see a small group of scruffy-looking fellows lining each side of the entrance holding very large cameras.

They turn around in unison, look at me and all begin lifting their cameras at the same time as if every single one of them were pre-programmed to do so.

Their cameras don’t raise more than a few inches before they turn around and continue talking about their latest adventures in climbing cell towers to get a glimpse of Britney Spears walking into a restaurant.

For a moment I think I even spot Ryan Seacrest but then realize that it’s just a young boy following his dad into the clubhouse.

As I continue to make my way towards them I realize that they are paparazzi, which is an oddity at a PGA Tour event, but then I remember that this is no ordinary PGA Tour event.

This is the week that Hollywood collides with the PGA Tour.

So it doesn’t surprise me one bit that they either don’t recognize me or simply don’t care who I am despite my $2.8 million in earnings last season.

I walk into the clubhouse and check out my pairings for the day and cannot help but laugh to myself upon seeing that I am actually going to be playing a PGA Tour event alongside of Michael Bolton.

I head over to the driving range and spot Alice Cooper, Yogi Berra, a slew of other celebrities and several Fortune 500 CEOs who have probably been pocketing a portion of my retirement account for the past decade.  

Massive divots are flying in every direction and it looks more like a group of landscapers at work than a PGA Tour practice range.

I pass by Michael Bolton on the range and he turns to me and says, “Looks like we’re a team today, huh?"

I just smile and nod, happy that he didn’t start singing “When a man loves a woman” and praying that he won’t be singing his cheesy love songs up and down every fairway for the next five hours.

I haven’t even gotten past my nine-iron one the range when Bolton shows up behind me. 

He watches me hit a couple of shots and then asks me to demonstrate how I am able to put backspin on the ball. He goes through a whole spiel about how he has been trying to master the art of backspin for years but has only managed to ever create backspin by accident.

I am annoyed but I got the memo from the PGA Tour at the start of the season about how we all have to be more engaging at pro-ams during this tough economic climate. I humor him by giving him the quickest and broadest possible explanation of how he can create backspin, knowing full well that it will never happen and he is simply wasting my time.

I get about five words out of my mouth before Bolton tells me to come over and have a look at his swing and demonstrate how it’s done.

This guy has got to be kidding me, I think to myself as I follow him towards his spot on the range, but I would actually rather continue to humor Bolton than receive a call from Tim Finchem at my hotel room tonight asking why I insulted Michael Bolton on the driving range.

I spend close to an hour with Bolton explaining how he must hit the ball first before he strikes the turf, but to no avail. With each additional swing he appears to be taking an even larger divot behind the ball. Eventually we have to move spots on the range because he has literally removed all the grass from his spot.

Another 10 minutes of watching Bolton do some more landscaping on the range and I am finally able to break away and get a few putts in on the practice green before my tee time.

I get to the first tee and there is, of course, Michael Bolton there waiting for me and another tour professional with his partner for the week, a CEO of a large Wall Street investment bank. 

The first thing I think when he introduces himself is, Wow, this clown’s company lost $30 billion last year and he has just paid more than $30,000 to play golf with a tour professional today. I’m sure he doesn’t care that that money might have been put to better use saving one of his employee’s jobs.

As we make the turn, Bolton is still bugging me about the backspin and Mr. Wall Street CEO looks like he’s had one to many steaks at Morton’s Steakhouse at the expense of his shareholders and employees.

His previously light red shirt is now completely soaked and a much darker shade of red, which also happens to perfectly match the color of his face. This guy might have some extremely wealthy children soon as it is looking increasingly likely that he won’t even make it through the back nine.

Halfway through the back nine Bolton has at least changed his tune, no pun intended.

After seeing me hit a flop shot on the 14th, which apparently mesmerized him, he has been relentless asking me for pointers on how he can master the art of the flop shot.

Mr. Wall Street CEO has sent his caddie back the clubhouse in exchange for a cart, and by the look of him he has made this decision literally in the nick of time.

I actually feel relieved for the caddie. You would think that it would be blatantly obvious to Mr. Wall Street CEO that he is a horrifically bad golfer. I honestly think my game has gotten worse today by just watching his swing all afternoon.   

Maybe it is just his personality or maybe he has grown tired of being blamed by everyone, including the government, for his company’s near collapse, but either way, he decided to blame his poor caddie for every absurdly bad shot he hit all afternoon. 

He hit a three wood on the 13th hole a good 65 yards left into a lake and blamed his caddie for bad club selection as the reason why he hit that shot. Shocking.

Luckily we were playing on a relatively easy course in the desert where there is no wind and I managed to shoot a 67, despite Bolton yapping in my ear all afternoon and constantly checking to see if Mr. Wall Street CEO had dropped dead of a heart attack or decapitated his caddie. 

What a day.

Thank goodness Tiger isn't here this week otherwise the Bob Hope Classic might have gotten a visit from "Brangelina."

I’m trying to tune my game up for some bigtime tournaments in the coming months, why can’t the PGA Tour just host a normal event on the West Coast swing?