An MMA Fight Card with Historical Figures

The UFC's recent hiatus has caused withdrawal for many MMA fans.

The promotion's absence has been tough to weather, but have you considered why the layoff has been so long?

It's curious, isn't it? The promotion had no shortage of momentum, no shortage of fighters and no shortage of reasons to stay the course. So what's the deal?

One possibility is that the scheduling simply worked out the way it did.

Another possibility is that the company needed time to resurrect a bunch of historical figures to participate in the year's upcoming events.

In case it's the latter, I've gone ahead and provided you with a potential fight card that could be constructed from the newest members of the UFC's fighter stable. 

I'm thinking mid-July.

Main Card

Genghis "Conqueror" Khan vs. Alexander "The Great" III

Elizabeth "Blood Bath" Bathory vs. Joan "The Maid of Orleans" d'Arc

Adolf "White Steel" Hitler vs. Joseph "Man of Steel" Stalin

William "Freedom" Wallace vs. Edward "Long Shanks" I

Marcus "Mark Antony" Antonius vs. Marcus "The General" Agrippa

Preliminary Bouts (FX)

Vlad "The Impaler" Dracul vs. Montezuma "Aztec" II

Mehmed "The Conqueror" II vs. Saladin "The King" Yusuf

Richard "Lionheart" I vs. John "Magna Carta" I  

"Bloody" Mary Tudor vs. Elizabeth "The Virgin Queen" Tudor

Preliminary Bouts (Facebook)

Darius "The Great" I vs. Publius Cornelius "Africanus" Scipio

Frederick "Barbarossa" I vs. Charles "Charlemagne" I

Catherine "The Great" II vs. Isabella "Castile" I

Peter "The Great" Romanov vs. Napoleon "Dynamite" Bonaparte  

Peter "The Great" Romanov vs. Napoleon "Dynamite" Bonaparte

The Combatants

Peter the Great was responsible for the modernization of the Russian Empire during the late 17th and early 18th century.

While his accomplishments were many, he demanded progress at all cost, even large scale death.

He also outlawed beards.

Napoleon Bonaparte became the Emperor of the French in 1804. A tactical genius, Napoleon spent most of his reign warring with European powers. He also had a thing for law reform.

The Fight

Bonaparte holds a skill-edge over counterpart Peter, but will the Frenchman's tactical mastery be enough to overcome the height and reach advantage of the much larger Russian?

Ultimately, the longer this fight goes, the better Peter's chances are. Napoleon is known to be quick out of the gates, but tends to fade over time.

Especially when fighting Russians.

I expect Peter to weather an early storm and win a closely contested bout.

Peter "The Great" Romanov Wins via Unanimous Decision (29-28, 29-28, 29-28)

Catherine "The Great" II vs. Isabella "Castile" I

The Combatants

Catherine II ruled Russia for much of the late 18th century. 

She was known to have a firm hand and veracious sexual appetite, which she sated by exchanging service for serfs.

It is said that when she didn't feel like granting titles for a little action, she looked outside the human species for companionship.

Isabella ruled Spain jointly with husband Ferdinand V during the late 15th and early 16th century. She was a devout Roman Catholic who oversaw the expulsion of the Jews from Spain, the sailing of Columbus and the conclusion to the lengthy Reconquista movement. 

The Fight

The card's first WMMA match features two women with limited fighting experience. 

Rumor has it that Isabella was a third-degree Brazilian jiu-jitsu blackbelt, but she forfeits a distinct size advantage to her opponent.

I predict that the bigger, more volatile Catherine proves too much for the dainty Spaniard and ends the match with some vicious ground-and-pound.

Catherine "The Great" II Wins via First-Round TKO (Punches)

Frederick "Barbarossa" I vs. Charles "Charlemagne" I

The Combatants

Frederick was a German ruler before the title was synonymous with being a jerk. 

He led the Holy Roman Empire in the 12th century, but his reign came to an abrupt end when he drowned in the Saleph River during the Third Crusade.

"Charlemagne" ruled France for parts of the eighth and ninth centuries. He was a pious and philosophical king who created many reforms and launched many efforts to preserve European culture during the "Dark Ages."

The Fight

Frederick, a respected military leader, will have to avoid being dragged into deep waters by the French monarch if he hopes to emerge victorious.

Charles is a calculating mastermind who one can only assume possesses a tremendous ground-game.

While Frederick is the more powerful of the two men, his tendency to slip up during important battles suggests that Charlemagne will have the opportunity to finish this fight.

And he is not the type to let opportunities slip away.

Charles "Charlemagne" I Wins via Third-Round Submission (Peruvian Neck-tie)

Darius "The Great" I vs. Publius Cornelius "Africanus" Scipio

The Combatants

Darius I reigned over Persia at the height of its power. During his rule, Darius managed to conquer a handful of Greek city-states.

Scipio is best known for defeating Hannibal in battle during the Second Punic War. His family, the Scipios, were kind of like the Gracies of classical warfare. 

The Fight

Darius was an aggressive ruler, but Scipio was one of the most celebrated generals ever produced by the Roman Empire, one of the most enduring states of all time.

"Africanus" proved his tactical brilliance against fellow military legend, Hannibal, and defeated less renowned generals of Carthage to pad his resume. After mixing it up with the beasts of northern Africa for 11 battles, a cage fight with Darius should prove a cake-walk for the Roman.

Publius Cornelius "Africanus" Scipio Wins via First-Round Knockout (Knees)

"Bloody" Mary Tudor vs. Elizabeth "The Virgin Queen" Tudor

The Combatants

Frank vs. Ken? Oh, please. Nick vs. Nate. Yawn. The Tudor sisters? Now we're talking MMA.

Mary Tudor was the daughter of Henry VIII and Catherine of Aragon. She came to the throne at a point of particularly severe religious turmoil in England.

I'll spare you the complexities of the time, but suffice it to say that the legitimacy of her rule depended on Catholic authority.

She earned the nickname "Bloody" for the way she hunted down Protestant dissenters.

Mary's half-sister, Elizabeth, shared her sibling's paternal lineage, but called Anne Boleyn mother. Her claim to the throne rested in Protestant legitimacy.

You can see the tensions rising, right? 

Fight time!

The Fight

Mary's penchant to violence and Elizabeth's inclination for tolerance suggests that octagon control goes to the former. But will this one go the distance?

Probably not.

Elizabeth I was one of history's craftiest leaders. She won over a country that was willing to see her burned at the stake on more than one occasion, she dodged questions about marriage for the better part of 40 years and she managed to increase England's influence in Europe exponentially.

Perhaps most impressively, she earned the title "Virgin Queen," despite entertaining a number of intimate relationships with English lords throughout her time on the throne.

Now that's crafty.

Elizabeth "The Virgin Queen" Tudor Wins via Second-Round Submission (Armbar) 

Richard "Lionheart" I vs. John "Magna Carta" I

The Combatants

Speaking of family affairs, how about tossing a couple more English monarchs into a cage together?

Richard "Lionheart" is fondly remembered in English history, but if you've done some poking around in the archives, you know that he had no shortage of faults.

For starters, Richard just kind of went off on a Crusade instead of governing his kingdom. He wasn't the first nor last monarch to do this, but few others got themselves captured on the way home and had to levy taxes to pay the ransom.

On the whole, he really seems to have believed that money was no object. Not the best quality someone running a country can have.

John is best known as Robin Hood's nemesis. He attempted to overthrow his brother while Richard was busy crusading around Europe and became largely unpopular at home. 

He is remembered for being coerced into signing the Magna Carta, after trying to convince everyone that paying more taxes would be fun. Of course, it didn't help that big brother Richard was essentially a walking money pit.

The Fight

This bout is a classic depiction of brains versus brawn. Richard was a respected tactician and warrior, while John was a scheming scoundrel that one would have been somewhat unwise to trust.

The difference? Richard was actually good at his specialization. John? Not so much.

Richard "Lionheart" I Wins via First-Round Knockout (Head Kick) 

Mehmed "The Conqueror" II vs. Saladin "The King" Yusuf

The Combatants

Mehmed II ruled the Ottoman empire during the mid-15th century.

His claim to fame is that he conquered Constantinople, something that the Ottomans were more than obsessed with and had been trying to do for some hundreds of years before Mehmed came along.

Saladin ruled much of northern Africa in the 12th century and beat back Crusader forces during Europe's third attempt at "freeing" the Holy Land.

Saladin captured Jerusalem in 1187 to put the cherry on top of his military sundae.

The Fight

Projecting a winner here is certainly no picnic, but I'll go with "The Conqueror." 

Taking nothing away from the talents of Saladin, Mehmed was able to capture a city that was thought to be unbreakable by using a slew of innovative siege tactics that were mimicked centuries later.

Mehmed "The Conqueror" II Wins via Split Decision (30-27, 28-29, 30-27)

Vlad "The Impaler" Dracul vs. Montezuma "Aztec" II

The Combatants

Vlad Dracul is often thought to have been Bram Stoker's inspiration for Dracula. 

See, the thing is, Vlad liked blood. He allegedly liked to drink it (not directly from living people, though) and dip his bread in it. He also dined from time to time in a forest of pikes occupied by dead and dying victims.

I'm not sure I'd like to be in the same country as the man, let alone locked in a cage.

To that effect, I introduce Montezuma II, ruler of the Aztecs when the Europeans showed up at the "New World."

Montezuma is often criticized for enabling the Spanish to conquer his people in exchange for a gilded cage, but accounts vary as to the role he played in different battles, as well as which belligerents actually killed him.

The Fight

Though Montezuma ruled the most powerful civilization of the pre-European contact Americas, he is outmatched here.

The Impaler's aggression and blood lust make him a lock in this one. Even if the payout is minimal, put your money on Vlad in this fight.

Vlad "The Impaler" Dracul Wins via First-Round TKO (Impalement)

Marcus "Mark Antony" Antonius vs. Marcus "The General" Agrippa

The Combatants

Marcus Antonius was a confidant of Julius Caesar. After Caesar was assassinated, Antonius took up arms along side Octavius and Lepidus to quell insurrection and form Rome's Second Triumvirate.

Upon garnering a third of the power of the world's largest state, Antonius felt his time would best be spent hanging out with Cleopatra rather than, you know, ruling.

For a theatrical account of Antonius' life, check out the works of William Shakespeare.

Agrippa was a childhood friend of Octavius, who he helped battle Antonius during the civil war. He played a key role in several naval engagements during the struggle.

He also played a key role in developing the Roman water systems because after all, what else are you going to do with yourself after you master that whole war thing.

His name isn't remembered as readily as prominent Roman emperors, but Agrippa turned the tide of history more than once.

The Fight

This battle went down in real life—not one-on-one in a cage, but galley warfare is more or less the same thing, right?

Antonius apologists will blame his first defeat to Agrippa on "girl problems," but Agrippa is one of the finest commanders of all time and could handle himself some Mark Antony in the Octagon.

Marcus "The General" Agrippa Wins via Third-Round Submission (Rear-naked Choke)

William "Freedom" Wallace vs. Edward "Long Shanks" I

The Combatants

Most of us are at least somewhat acquainted with William Wallace, thanks to Mel Gibson. 

Wallace was a Scottish rebel leader who relied on large measures of national pride, military prowess and political cunning to thwart English dominance over Scotland.

Counterpart Edward I got the last laugh in his exchange with Wallace, eventually sending the Scot's limbs to various cities throughout his domain.

Edward is depicted in Braveheart as a frail elder, but he is historically noted for employing brilliant stratagems that would have tested the patience of any man. Even Ben Askren.

The Fight

In a long-term battle, say a five-round title fight, it would be hard to bet against Edward. But the hypothetical match we are making is a three-rounder, which gives the advantage to Wallace.

Edward's greatest attribute was his keen eye for detail and willingness to wait for an anxious enemy to make a mistake. But 15 minutes is too short a period for a warrior like Wallace to slip up.

William "Freedom" Wallace Wins via Majority Decision (29-28, 29-28, 29-29)

Adolf "White Steel" Hitler vs. Joseph "Man of Steel" Stalin

The Combatants

This bout will be contested by a pair of World War II leaders who own some pretty disturbing humanitarian records.

For the purposes of this fight, we'll just focus on the military aspect of their careers.

On the battlefield, Hitler started out white hot before his over-eagerness got the better of him. Rather than stay the course that saw Nazi armies cut through France and besiege Britain, Hitler thought he would not only conquer the world, but go for the record time.

In order to get the whole thing over with quicker, he launched a sneak attack against the Soviet Union, his own ally. This created the front that saw more deaths and bloodier battles than the rest of the theaters of war combined.

As you may suspect, the unprovoked attack made Stalin mad. Well, actually, it depressed him first, then made him mad. But the mad part is important. It helps hype the fight.

Rumor has it Stalin order Hitler's head be brought back to the Kremlin when the Furor's bunker was discovered by the Red Army.

How's that for hyping a fight?

The Fight

In the early stages of his time in office, Hitler employed a foreign policy that is the envy of aggressive Age of Empires enthusiasts everywhere. But he got impatient. He tried to win battles in a day. In MMA terms, he went for the finish in the first five seconds of the fight.

Gassing early would be Hitler's downfall in this one. Uncle Joe takes it with second round finish.

Joseph "Man of Steel" Stalin Wins via Second-Round TKO (Punches)

Elizabeth "Blood Bath" Bathory vs. Joan "The Maid of Orleans" D'Arc

The Combatants

Elizabeth Bathory was a Hungarian countess in the 16th century. She was not royalty, and she had no involvement with the militarily. But she was insane. 

Severely insane.

She really wanted to have nice skin so she did the most logical thing she could think of—she kidnapped some young girls, tortured them and filled up the tub with their blood.

You know, for eternal youth.

Joan of Arc was a French peasant girl who, in one of history's more unlikely twists, led the national army to a series of important victories during the Hundred Years' War.

The Fight

While all indications are that Joan is the superior warrior, I cannot pick against Elizabeth.

When I was young, my father gave me some advice that seems more applicable here than anywhere else. He said, "Craig, if you ever have to bet on a fight between a girl that literally bathes in the blood of other people, and a girl that doesn't, go with the one who bathes in blood."

Blood Countess for the win. This one's for you Pop.

Elizabeth Bathory Wins via TKO (Cuts)

Genghis "Conqueror" Khan vs. Alexander "The Great" III

The Combatants

Both Alexander and Genghis Khan set new bench marks for land conquered. Alexander was busy in the third century BCE, Kahn in the 13th century CE.

Both men were known for actually fighting as well as commanding, though neither lacked any sort of strategical genius. 

A suitable matchup for a historical fight card's main event.

The Fight

It breaks my heart to pick against either competitor, but I give it to Genghis.

These two sit near the top of history's list of pound-for-pound best generals, and an argument could certainly be made both ways.

The Mongol's longevity earns him the nod in this fight.

Genghis "Conqueror" Khan Wins via Split Decision (48-47, 47-48, 49-46)