Kelvin Sampson's Next Moves, Jason Kidd Trade, Larry Bird Rights(?), Notre Dame's Offense, and Cubs World Series Predictions

It was recently announced that Miami Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor would be a participant in the next season of Dancing with the Stars on ABC. What is he thinking?

With Bill Parcells in control of the Dolphins there’s no doubt that come the first few days of practice, Taylor’s official practice uniform will consist of tap shoes and a tu tu.

Isn’t that show supposed to feature former athletes and race car drivers (mutually exclusive-you decide)? Shouldn’t Taylor leave that gig open for all of his former teammates or anyone else who might be out of a job by then?

Perhaps a certain coach in Bloomington for instance? Kelvin Sampson would be perfect. His image could use a lift and if he can move on the dance floor the way he dances around NCAA regulations, he’ll do just fine. Sampson’s always been a hard worker, so no need to worry about him phoning in a performance.

Besides, succeeding on that show depends on phone calls and text messages and Kelvin knows all about that.

Charles Barkley and Dwayne Wade may have Fab Fives but Sampson and his staff have Fab Five...Hundreds! The only problem is that if all the kids Sampson called illegally would return the favor, he would only last until there were only four or five contestants left.

That’s OK though. After all, it’s not like IU fans aren’t used to their coach being sent home before making it to the final four.

After several unsuccessful attempts, the trade to get Jason Kidd out of New Jersey and back to Dallas was finalized this week. The Mavericks acquired Jason Kidd, Malik Allen, and Antoine Wright from New Jersey for Devin Harris, DeSagana Diop, Trenton Hassell, Moe Ager, the retired Keith Van Horn, an unemployed hot dog vender to be named later, two first-round draft picks, and $3 million.

Keith Van Horn and Trenton Hassell replaced Jerry Stackhouse and Devean George in the original proposal. George had exercised his Larry Bird rights to stop the original deal from going any further. FG has to wonder: If the Mavs couldn’t get it done with Steve Nash, how can they with an aging Jason Kidd?

A) The right for an NBA player to compete with a mullet and shorts that aren’t long enough.

B) The right to be an active NBA player with a three inch vertical jump or less.

C) The right to make obscene gestures during the course of an NBA sanctioned event. 

Fair Game calls a timeout.

This just in: There has been an amendment to the “Bird rights” that protects NBA General Managers from being fired for giving long term contracts to players that either spend more time in a police lineup than an NBA starting lineup, have grossly misunderstood the role of a shooting guard, or just flat out should’ve been traded.

Time in.

Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis announced this week that he would not be calling the plays for the offense next season. FG gives kudos to Weis for doing what he thinks is best for the team. After watching every snap this past season, any change seems like it would be an improvement.

Who’s to say that Weis was the real problem though? Do we know for sure that the center and QB Jimmy Klausen don’t have legitimate depth perception problems? That would explain all those snaps sailing over Klausen’s head.

Can anyone prove their running backs weren’t suffering from severe dyslexia? .ylekil toN. Maybe when Weis showed them the running plays on paper they honestly thought they were supposed to run in the opposite direction of the end zone. It’s all speculation of course and FG has to admit that looking back, last year’s low-lights were almost comical.

Although the “run-for-your-life” offense won’t exactly be missed, some good did come from it. The coaching staff found out exactly what areas needed a little work and what areas needed a lot. Klausen mastered the bad snap, dive-and-cover, fumble recovery, fetal position-technique that might come in handy someday if he were ever attacked by a bear.

Who knows, next year they might finish a game or two with a positive number in the yards rushing column. On the bright side, at least no one can say they lost another bowl game last year!

Cubs pitcher Ryan Dempster stated in interviews this week that he thought the Cubs were going to win the World Series this year. Are you kidding me? Ryan, just worry about your pitches staying on the right side of the ivy at Wrigley, OK pal?

What good comes from highlighting an inevitable failure? How has it worked out for people who claim they’re going to beat Tiger? Not well. Should A-Rod state that he is going to be the Yankees post season MVP...in Spring Training? Does Shaq proclaim he’s going to make a free-throw before the game?

The answer to both is no for the same reason: Neither outcome is likely and predicting otherwise only makes the failure more embarrassing.

Dempster needs to learn a lesson that FG did long ago. To a Chicago Cub, or one of its fans, the World Series is like a woman it once met a LONG time ago in passing and has since admired from afar. Each season the Cubbie builds up its confidence, gives it all he’s got, marches right up to her out of the blue, and plants one on her right in the kisser.

In the moment, anything seems possible. It’s scary, unpredictable, and exciting. Unfortunately, it’s been so long since they’ve seen one another the woman has no idea who he is.

Of course, it always ends the same—more abruptly than anticipated with the Chicago Cub (and its fans) experiencing the kind of pain only a knee to the groin can bring. Ultimately, the highly sought after woman goes home with the guy (ball club) who’s spent the most money trying to get her...and it always seems like he’s from New York or Boston.

Time's up. GAME OVER!!!