NFL Divisional Playoffs: Letters to the League

daniel coxSenior Writer IJanuary 13, 2009

To: Home-field advantage

Re: Home sweet home?

My, my, you aren't what you used to be.

To: Larry Fitzgerald

Re: Golden hands

You're now a household name. Sure, every hardcore fan knew about you and your amazing hands.

But now every casual "I think I'll watch the playoffs today since it's cold outside" fan knows who you are as well.

The "I'm going to jump high between two defenders and make this grab" has become your patented move.

To: The New York Giants

Re: In the market...

T.J. Houshmandzadeh is a free agent.

To: The Oakland Raiders

Re: Hunting

Would you like to interview me for the head coaching position as well?

To: The San Diego Chargers

Re: Bad idea

Guys, you need the ball to score. Your defense improved, some, in the playoffs, but we're not talking Ravens-level here.

Scoring on offense wins game.

One offensive snap in the third quarter is a fantastic way to lose a game.

To: Joe Flacco

Re: Wacko for Flacco

Matt who?

More like Tyler Who? As in Tyler Palko, the quarterback you backed up at Pitt. He spent all of 2008 out of football and just a few days ago signed a "future contract" (whatever that is) with the Arizona Cardinals.

I'm sensing some real irony if the Cardinals meet the Ravens in the Super Bowl.

Oh, and one other thing. That was a funny shot you took at Dan Orlovsky following Saturday's game.

I have a sneaky suspicion that if he's around long enough he'll find a way to beat you and your team just once in his lifetime, just because of those comments.

To: Eli Manning

Re: Style advice

Was that a shadow on your face, or are you trying to grow a beard?

The Manning boys should leave the beards alone. It just doesn't suit you guys.

Because all that happens is spotty hair growth just like Eli showed on Sunday, and that just makes you guys look weird.

Like Dungeons and Dragons kids in the basement with overcoats and vintage pocket watch collections.

Leave the beards to the Eagles.

To: Kurt Warner

Re: Reincarnation

Kurt, you have nine football lives, my friend.

Your NFL career really began when you backed up Jake Delhomme in NFL Europe. See how it kind of all came full circle on Saturday?

But seriously, you lost your job twice to rookies, you were replaced by a quarterback that eventually also became a Pro Bowler, and you were once replaced by a nobody named Josh.

And look at you now. One win away from yet another Super Bowl, this one the most improbable of them all.

To: Jim Mora

Re: Coaching tree

Just because you were named "coach in waiting" doesn't mean you can never get fired.

Reuniting with Gregg Knapp might not be such a good idea, but you're nothing if not loyal.

Heck, while you're at it, ol' No. 7 will probably be available soon as well.

To: Brett Favre


You know what? So much has been said about you in the last week or so, I'm going to let it go.

Stay (well, maybe not so much stay), Go, Make up your mind, Retire, Go ride your tractor, It's all your fault, Be a team player...

The advice mothers of bullied children everywhere offer is prudent here: "Ignore him and maybe he'll go away."

To: Keyshawn Johnson

Re: Sound bites

You're always good for a few studio nuggets.

First, you picked the Cardinals. I guess the guys in Bristol wanted someone to take them, and who better than you?

It looks like your assessment of Delhomme as a quarterback that throws up hand grenades and hopes Steve Smith will save him is about accurate.

And what about those Big Ben comments?

Now, I don't know if you're right about Ben. His injury was spinal (yes, use your Tyson voice when you say that word), but he does have a little bit of that drama queen in him.

And why am I not surprised that you like that about him?

To: The Arizona Cardinals

Re: Finally!

It's amazing what a good run defense will do for you, huh?

To: LenDale White

Re: Inaccurate

Did you really mean to say this: "We will beat them nine out of 10 times, but this time things didn't fall our way. I'm not taking anything away from Baltimore. I lose graciously."

Uhh, a gracious loser says things like, "They played a great game out there today. We just didn't have enough to beat them."

The nine out of 10 argument holds no weight. Who cares who you can beat nine times? You didn't win the ONE game you were supposed to, and now you're booking a flight to the Bahamas and Baltimore's booking one to Pittsburgh.

To: Adam Jones

Re: Guilty by association

Okay, it remains to be seen whether drudging up old events will spawn new allegations, but I have one thing to say. Spending time with a dude named "Slugga" is never a good idea.

Better yet, spending time with a dude named "Slugga" who also has a tattoo on his forehead is never a good idea.

Even better yet, why spend time with a guy whose primary association is named the International Robbing Crew?

To: Tony Dungy

Re: One giant leap for mankind

The NFL's loss is the rest of humanity's gain.


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