Dancing with the Stars Season 14 Cast: It's Donald Driver Against the D-Listers

Did you get the memo, America?! Did you see it on your Facebook wall first thing this morning? Was it the most-viewed topic on your favorite news site? Did you know Dancing with the Stars is back? For a 14th season! They got Urkel, baby! 

Whooooo. Sigh. Eye-roll. At least Donald Driver's relevant. 

Fourteen seasons, America. Fourteen recurring cycles of tangos from the tired, washed-up and weathered celeb masses – discarded cogs of our nation's fame machine. They were once people we watched, maybe even cared about or were captivated by. They were names. And while the luster has tarnished – leading them to a faux-ballroom with the dude from Hollywood Squares presiding – there's just enough shimmer left for them to earn a spot shimmying on ABC primetime. 

What an honor. 

This would be the appropriate time to go off on a "How is this show still on the air?" or "You're terrible people for watching it," or "Cancel it now!" diatribe, but why? There's no point. Numbers talk, and viewers like us are the voice-box. 

People watch this show, en masse. They've done it with enough frequency to make this show a teenager, to make it blow past Seinfeld (9), Friends (10) and M*A*S*H (11) on the longevity scale. It's a formula that works: Easy-to-get talent (these people didn't exactly pass on James Cameron movies to be here), an established format and enough glitz and intrigue to entice just enough people away from Storage-Mega-Bigfoot-Hunting-Deadliest-Swamp-Pawn-Wars.

That's fine. In reality, I'd much rather watch the Green Bay Packers' all-time receiver show up somebody from Melrose Place who nobody drinking at your local college bar would be old enough to remember. Driver isn't as big a name as Emmit Smith, but whatever. Football players get a pass; football players can have fun on this show. 

This isn't Career Revival Step One for them – it's a way to have fun. Who didn't like Warren Sapp shaking it, showing us just how good an NFL big man can move his feet? Who didn't like Hines Ward showing Steel City he can Samba? It's good TV. 

And it's why lots of us will watch on March 19. Plus, they've got Maria Menounos. I'd watch her take the LSATs.