'Dem Apples: Pats Lose with Randy Moss

Two years ago, I wrote an article about how the Terrell Owens signing might come back to haunt the Dallas Cowboys.  Now we're doing it all again, with the New England Patriots on the hot seat.

(And speaking of hot seats, Mark Cuban must be a little warm in the rear these days...) 

Patriot Act Needs Revision

 

The New England Patriots haven't won a Super Bowl in two years. They've flopped against teams with mediocre offenses and come up short in the clutch.

 

Still, they always get picked to win it all. 

 

Now the Patriots are starting to look more like the Bengals. In the draft, the Patriots grabbed a pair of potential visitors to the Pacman Jones Justice Center: Miami brawlers Brandon Meriweather and Kareem Brown. Then, the Pats traded a fourth-round pick to the Oakland Raiders for outspoken, controversial, and above all lame-duck wide receiver Randy Moss.

 

I wonder how long the honeymoon will last for Moss and Tom Brady. Bill Belichick is a master of turning negatives into positives, but I doubt he's that good.

 

Moss will be on borrowed time in Foxboro, and don't look for the Pats to win the Super Bowl this year either. As for Brown and Meriweather, I just hope that they don't run into any members of the Florida International Glee Club. They might beat them up too.

 

Mr. Moss, Mr. Belichick, Mr. Brady—how do you like 'Dem Apples?

 

 

Heat Gored by Chicago

 

The Chicago Bulls haven't done anything big since the Jordan Era...but now the Windy City finally has something to smile about—'da Bulls dispatched the defending world champion Heat in a "gore-fame sweep."

 

Get it?

 

I underestimated the talent of this young Chicago squad...and so did Miami. Despite out-rebounding the Bulls in Game Four, the Heat became the first championship team to get ousted in the first round since Phoenix tossed the Spurs in 2000.

 

Next up for the Chi-Town Leatherskins: the Detroit Pistons. It'll be something of a reunion, with Ben Wallace returning to his old stomping grounds to take on his buddies Tayshaun, Rasheed, and Chauncey.

 

Even if the Bulls lose to Detroit, they can be happy about one thing: They got Pat Riley pulling out his hair, and MJ didn't even have to help them.

 

Speaking of which, Mr. Riley—how do you like 'Dem Apples?

 

 

Mavericks Bucked Off Their Horses

 

It's make or break time for Mark Cuban's team.

 

The Mavericks have their backs against the wall and are facing elimination at the hands of...the Golden State Warriors?! The sports gods are working overtime on this one. The upset would give Golden State quite possibly the biggest victory in franchise history. The Mavs staved off ruin in Game Five, but I still have a question for Mr. Cuban: How do you like 'Dem Apples?

 

 

A-Rod Soars, Yankees Sink

 

This one is for my boy Donnie. He wanted me to say something good about Alex Rodriguez, so here goes:

 

A-Rod was fantastic in April. He's been doing his part on offense and on defense. It's just too bad his teammates have gone AWOL.

 

With 14 percent of the season in the books, the Yanks are 9-14 and chilling in the basement of the AL East. Rodriguez is on fire and New York is...well, on fire, but not in a good way. Feel better Donnie? You got your shout-out...and I hope you like 'Dem Apples

 

 

A Moment of Remembrance

 

As a Cardinals fan, I'd like to send my condolences and sympathy to the family of Josh Hancock, the St. Louis pitcher who was killed in an automobile accident early Sunday morning. The tragedy brought back memories of Darryl Kile's death in June 2002, and of Cory Lidle's plane crash this winter.

 

I didn't get a chance to pay my respects to Virginia Tech University, but I remember them every time I look at the patch on my Gators jersey. I also wish to send my condolences to the University of North Carolina, whose Man Behind the Heel was killed just hours after the Tar Heels were eliminated from the NCAA Tournament.

 

So to my beloved Cardinals, the Yankees, the Hokies, and the Tar Heels, I say this: I like 'Dem Apples. I like 'Dem indeed. The departed will never be forgotten—and I'll continue to work to remind people that we're not just sportswriters, but people with hearts.