Dear Golden State Warriors...See You in Hell

Dear Golden State Warriors,

Are you kidding me?  What's gotten into you guys? 

For over a decade, you were one of the worst franchises in all of sports.  Your GM, Chris Mullin, was a perennial member of the "How Does This Guy Manage to Keep His Job?" Club. Your coach, Don Nelson, was a retread on his last legs.  Your players were either injury-prone, underachieving, overpaid, or a combination of all three. 

And now? 

After beating the Dallas Mavericks on Sunday night and taking a commanding 3-1 series lead, you guys are one win away from pulling off the greatest upset in the history of the NBA Playoffs.  Sure, the number eight seed has beaten the number one seed twice before—but never in a best-of-seven series, and never against the defending conference champions. 

 

How can this be? 

 

Well, think I might have the answer.  Clearly, the Golden State Warriors have sold their souls to the Devil.

You wouldn't be the first team to trade eternal damnation for sports glory—there were of course the '69 Mets, the 1980 US Olympic Hockey Team, and the 2004 Red Sox.

But those teams exchanged their ghostly spirits for championships and gold medals.  Is it possible you guys were willing to do it just to get past the first round?

  
The answer is apparently yes.

Some might argue that the Warriors are simply getting it done with talent, hard work, and competitive drive. 

I refuse to accept that.  After all...YOU'RE THE GOLDEN STATE FREAKIN' WARRIORS!

Supernatural intervention is the only thing that can explain the turnaround in Oakland.  It all started in mid-January, when Chris Mullin went from inept NBA executive to genius almost overnight. 

The man responsible for making Mike Montgomery an NBA coach and Adonal Foyle a $10-million-a-year player turned into the guy who rooked fellow Dream Teamer Larry Bird out of Stephen Jackson and Al Harrington.  Not only did Golden State get the better players in the deal with the Indiana Pacers—those better players also came with better contracts. 

Coincidence? 

I don't think so.  I think the Devil made Chris do it.

Not convinced yet?  Consider the following...

1) No Nowitzki

Since the playoffs started, Dirk Nowitzki, the NBA's likely MVP, has played like the stuff I clean out of my son's diapers. 

He's gone from averaging 25 points a game in the regular season to a mere 20 in the playoffs.  His shooting numbers have plummeted as well.  During the regular season, the seven-foot German shot 50 percent from the field, 90 percent from the line, and 41 percent from beyond the arc.  In the playoffs he's shooting 40 percent from the field, 74 percent from the line, and 20 percent from three-point range. 

I'd love to credit the drop in Dirk's offensive production to some brilliant Don Nelson defensive scheme...but who am I kidding?  The next time Nellie comes up with a brilliant defensive scheme will be the first time.

2) Super Baron

Your point guard Baron Davis is literally playing like a man possessed.  (By Satan, perhaps?)  He's scoring, rebounding, dropping dimes, playing D, and hitting half-court shots at the buzzer.  He's doing it all.  AND...he's gone almost three months without a catastrophic injury. 

That's downright spooky.

3) Jessica

Jessica Alba was at Sunday night's game!  Sure, in Los Angeles beautiful celebs come out of the woodwork during the NBA playoffs—but Oakland? 

If there's a celebrity at a Golden State Warriors game, I expect it to be Steve Perry or Nancy Pelosi—not the uberbabe who plays Invisible Woman.

But maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, Golden State. 

Maybe Mullin isn't as dumb and incompetent as I thought. 

Maybe Beelzebub has nothing to do with your success. 

Maybe Don Nelson, the Mavs' former head coach, just knows this Dallas team inside and out. 

Maybe you guys are actually more talented than an eight seed, and only needed to be healthy for a few months to hit your stride.

Or maybe I'm right. 

Maybe you have made a deal with the devil.  And maybe, after winning this series, hellfire and brimstone await your eternal souls.

See you in Hell,

Dave