5 NFL Coaches I'd Love to Play For

The 2011-2012 NFL season is just about over, with only the Pro Bowl (if that even counts) and Super Bowl XLVI between the New England Patriots and New York Giants remaining to be played before the curtain falls on another National Football League campaign.

That means that fans of two teams are still agonizing over the outcome of one final contest, while fans of many others bemoan opportunities missed, and supporters of even more lament over who their favorite squad will select in April's NFL draft.

Sounds like everyone could use a laugh, and hopefully I'm here to help.

On the next fistful of slides, you'll find five coaches I'd love to play for; except by "I," I mean five imaginary players I pulled out of my...let's go with mind.

The reason why those players would want to play for the coaches listed will then be explained with absolutely no seriousness whatsoever. And with any luck, we can all share a quick chuckle before going back to the business of whether Eli can win his second Super Bowl or if his older brother is going to end up in....

You get the idea.

John Fox, Denver Broncos

Who Am I?

Ken Ebis, a 6'4", 325-pound offensive tackle from the University of Michigan with a perpetual case of the munchies.

Why John Fox?

After six arrests for marijuana possession during my collegiate career caused my draft stock to plummet, the chance to play for a team that loves to run the ball like the Denver Broncos would be great.

However, thanks to my education at the University of Michigan, I completely misunderstood what they meant by referring to Denver as the "Mile High City."

Bummer.

Rex Ryan, New York Jets

Who Am I?

Darnell Effbom, a 6'3", 255-pound outside linebacker with Tourette's Syndrome who was a standout pass rusher at the University of Alabama.

Why Rex Ryan?

With experience in the 3-4 defense and a love for getting after the quarterback, playing for Rex Ryan would be a great fit, especially since the New York Jets may be the only team in the NFL where shooting off your mouth at inopportune times isn't frowned upon.

It's apparently encouraged.

Andy Reid, Philadelphia Eagles

Who Am I?

Ivan Akallatimeout, a 6'0", 245-pound Ukrainian middle linebacker from Rutgers University with a degree in project management.

Why Andy Reid?

There may be no team in the National Football League with a more dire need at middle linebacker than the Philadelphia Eagles, and a player that has a degree in how to manage time effectively just might come in handy in Philadelphia.

You know, because of....

Wait, I may want to challenge this choice...after a sandwich.

Mike McCarthy, Green Bay Packers

Who Am I?

Ihayta Thachedda, a lactose-intolerant, 6'8", 415-pound defensive tackle from American Samoa who was a two-time academic All-American at Oregon State University.

Why Mike McCarthy?

After a near death experience that involved beer-bonging three gallons of queso dip at a frat party my sophomore year, I developed a psychopathic hatred of all things cheese.

Playing for Mike McCarthy and the Green Bay Packers would allow me to unleash my nefarious plot for revenge, wherein I will somehow score a touchdown in a home game, after which I will perform a "Lambeau Leap."

And squish 16 Cheeseheads.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(OK, Lex Luthor I ain't.)

Pat Shumur, Cleveland Browns

Who Am I?

Riley Whutsthepoynt, a 5'10", 175-pound punter from Western Kentucky University.

Why Pat Shurmur?

If you've watched the Cleveland Browns play at all over the past few years, then you know that the punter gets loads of playing time, and a collegiate career at one of the lowliest schools in the FBS should have already steeled me against the perils of PTLD.

Post Traumatic Losing Disorder.

Sigh.

Sometimes it really blows to be a Browns fan.

Like on days that end in "y."