Here's An Idea: The Detroit Lions Don't Need A Coach!

The Detroit Lions have shown in the past that they aren't afraid of being innovative. They've pushed the boundaries of who should and who shouldn't be hired to run a football team when they hired TV analyst, Matt Millen to be their general manager, then they became the first NFL team to go 0-16.

Now, from the team that brought you the early retirement of Barry Sanders, Bobby "Go For Two" Ross, Marty "Take The Wind!" Morhinweg, and a naked coach Cullen purchasing McDonalds from the drive-thru, comes a new innovation!

The team without a coach!

I'm not just talking temporarily as it is now, but let's go an entire season. Why you ask? Let me count the reasons.

1. No more repetitive press conferences

Aren't we all glad we don't have to listen to Rod Marinelli anymore? His "pound the rock" and "I believe in the invisible" mantra was briefly inspiring, but later became somewhat comical, until finally turning into the dialogue of refuge for an 0-16 coach. 

Every coach has their favorite little catchphrases. The thing is, when the team is winning we don't notice. Who watches the press conferences if your team is winning? You only watch to see what the losing coach will say.

Since no Lions coach that's coming into this mess is going to win, we're sure to hear a new set of repetitive catchphrases and no one wants that.

Ah, but if the Lions didn't have a coach? Reporters could ask questions to an empty podium, or perhaps William Clay Ford could answer questions from behind a curtain, sort of like in The Wizard of Oz. At any rate, it'd be more entertaining than the status-quo for the last decade.

2. No more decisions

Good decisions, bad decisions, how about no decisions?

Rod Marinelli liked to punt a little too much, particularly when the Lions should have been at their most desperate. Marty Morhinweg once infamously took the wind in overtime.

If the Lions didn't have a coach, there wouldn't be any taking the wind, or silly plays like punting. The players would just go out there and play.

I for one, think the Lions would have been much better off with Dan Orlovsky calling every play instead of unneeded positions like offensive coordinator and head coach. There would be less confusion and it would save time. Hell, if there wasn't a coach, Jon Kitna might still have been out there as quarterback!

While the opposition would be concerned with what to do on 3rd and 8 with four minutes left to go in the 4th quarter, down by six points, the Lions would already be ready to go. Sure, they wouldn't have a clue what they're doing, but it'd save time!

3. No one gets fired

Who likes to see a guy get fired? It's just one of life's little unpleasantires. Sure, sometimes it's necessary, and with the Lions it's been necessary more than any other team in the league, but that doesn't mean we enjoy seeing it happen.

Over the past eight seasons, the average lifespan for a Lions coach has been 31 months. Following that current trend, whoever gets hired as the next coach, he will be fired in August of 2011. (Further hilarity will ensue following a coach being fired during the preseason)

Let's avoid this nasty business of firing head coaches by not hiring a coach in the first place. If the team does poorly, Martin Mayhew will simply come out and say "Well, it was another bad season in Detroit, but unfortunately due to no fault of my own, we have no one to blame this time....carry on"

See how it'd work?

4. No one needs to suffer "Lions sickness"

Just about every Lions coach in the last twenty years has suffered some kind of emotional distress, mental breakdown, or public humiliation of some sort. Wayne Fontes in a lapse of judgment once said "What's a guy gotta do to get fired around here?" Rod Marinelli also came under Lions sickness which must have caused him to call William Clay Ford "a very successful owner"

Let's spare this new coach, whoever he is. No one wants to see a perfectly rational and decent person succumb to Lions sickness. Symptoms include making boneheaded decisions that you otherwise wouldn't have made if you were coaching any other team, speaking no more than three well thought out catchphrases to answer every question at press conferences, and generally suffering from delusions of grandeur such as applying admiral qualities to obviously inept personnel.

It's just sad, so let's avoid dragging another good man down and just not hire a coach.

5. It won't make a difference

Finally, we all know what's going to happen here anyway. In 2-3 odd seasons when the Lions still can't manage to win more than 7-8 games, this new coach will be fired just like all the others, regardless of what the in-between looks like.

Although the Lions have been content to follow through with the motions for a long time now, I think now is the time to break that trend. Instead of hiring a new coach and telling him "OK, now if you could just be back here in August 2011, we're going to have another big press conference scheduled, concerning you," let's just skip all that.

Maybe without a coach, this team will be more respected. After all, aside from the quarterback, the head coach always takes the most heat.

Without a head coach, Jay Leno won't have anything to talk about concerning the Lions. They're gradually being phased out by most media anyway, and the NFL is trying to pretend like they don't exist. Having no head coach would assure the Lions that they will always be flying so far below the radar, they'll be six feet under. Far away from media criticism, which might just be the best place for them.