No Material Girls Need Apply: 10 Halftime Acts That Are Better Than Madonna

Well friends, we are fast approaching the end of 2011 NFL season and quickly coming up on Super Sunday. And you know that what means right? A half time show, otherwise known as the national cigarette break.

This year the NFL has decided that nothing would represent the NFL better than the Material Girl herself: Madonna. Because nothing screams physical, violent sports like "Like a Virgin" right?

It wasn't always like this. In the early to mid 2000s the NFL was coming up with more hits than misses for its grandiose spectacle within a grandiose spectacle. Remember Prince soloing wildly during a literal "Purple Rain"? Or U2's emotional performance during the first post-9/11 Super Bowl?

My personal favorite half time show featured Bruce Springsteen and E Street Band. I loved it for the simple fact that Bruce is as representative of America as the game itself.

However, it all fell apart thanks to an unlikely source: The Who. They were supposed to be a great choice. "Won't Get Fooled Again" and "Baba O'Reilly" are the kind of anthemic epics that fit the Super Bowl perfectly. But what we got instead was Roger Daltrey flubbing his own lyrics and Pete Townshend playing like he's a deaf geriatric (which he is).

Since that debacle, the league has played it safe. Last year we got the Black Eyed Peas Present: Tron. And this year we get an aging pop star who hasn't had a hit in years. So here are 10 choices that would've made a better pick.

10. My Morning Jacket

Who They Are

Otherwise known as "the band from that episode of American Dad," or "that band David Letterman is in love with," My Morning Jacket is a psychedelically-tinged southern rock band in the grand tradition of the Allman Brothers Band. They rock hard, but aren't afraid to unleash a funky side.

Why They Would Work

They put on the sort of high-flying show that would fit the epic atmosphere of the Super Bowl perfectly. They are already live legends for their performances at the Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival and are both guitar-heavy enough to get your dad doing the air guitar but funky enough to watch with your girlfriend or boyfriend.

Why It Won't Work

Unfortunately My Morning Jacket is a bit on the obscure side despite numerous late night and Seth MacFarlane-related appearances. I honestly believe they are the perfect fit for the big stage, but they just aren't well known enough.

9. The Raconteurs or Any Jack White-Affiliated Act

Who They Are

Jack White needs little introduction. One of the most prolific musicians of the last decade, White is most famous as half of the already legendary band, the White Stripes, but also split time with the more traditional hard rock band the Raconteurs and the swampy blues rock of the Dead Weather.

Why They Would Work

White & company adapt perfectly to big performances and would put on a heck of a show. It would be a chance to see White, a modern guitar god in every sense of the word, do his thing on the biggest of stages.

Why They Won't Work

If this was the White Stripes, they would be my No. 1 choice. Unfortunately the Stripes broke up last year, so it would have to be the Raconteurs or the Dead Weather. Once again the problem becomes obscurity. Not many people know either of his other bands that well.

8. Madonna Plus the Flaming Lips

Who They Are

OK, so maybe this one is cheating, but I have a good reason. The Flaming Lips are a band of weirdos from Oklahoma who specialize in a brand of over-the-top psychedelic stomp that combines Pink Floyd and Black Sabbath with a trippy kind of pop. And we already know who Madonna is.

Why It Would Work

Madonna has no bite by herself, but if she's backed up by the Flaming Lips, it gives the show a rock edge that could make it awesome. Plus, the Flaming Lips have already recorded an excellent cover of Madonna's "Borderline" that transforms the song into a rambunctious rocker so the transition would be smooth.

Why It Won't Work

A: Madonna probably isn't too keen on sharing the stage. B: The Flaming Lips are a very weird bunch and are probably too weird for national television. I don't know if the NFL can handle Lips front man Wayne Coyne wandering over the live audience in a giant hamster ball, as he is known to do.

7. Foo Fighters

Who They Are

Dave Grohl transcended the death of Nirvana band mate Kurt Cobain by forming the best modern rock band around. The Foos have been rocking for nearly two decades now and show no signs of slowing down.

Why They Work

Have you heard the Foo Fighters? They scream "big, epic stadium show" in every song they do. Plus c'mon, "There Goes My Hero" should be the Super Bowl theme every year. They are big enough to not worry about name recognition and safe enough for a big stage like the Super Bowl.

Why They Won't Work

I don't know why, but in nearly 20 years the Foo Fighters have never been tapped to play a Super Bowl. This makes no sense to me, as they are absolutely perfect to play the halftime show. Maybe Dave Grohl called Roger Goodell a name? Or maybe its because Grohl is a DC native and they don't want to listen to him moan about the Redskins?

6. The Black Keys

Who They Are

Akron's finest. The Black Keys are finally getting the recognition they deserve for a decade of hard work and consistently great albums. The twosome have gotten comparisons to the White Stripes for both their simple drums/guitars/vocals set-up as well as their blooze rock sound. The Black Keys also bring T-Rex-esque funk and glam rock styles to the table.

Why They Would Work

Their popularity is peaking with Grammy nominations, commercial spots and appearances on late night and TV soundtracks. They play big, loud sing-a-long rock that would fit perfect.

Why They Won't Work

They're too new and shiny. The Super Bowl needs established superstars. Maybe in a few years if they can maintain this level of success, but for now they suffer from incurable obscurity.

5. Beyonce

Who She Is

Beyonce is the best songstress around and a super, no, megastar. Beyonce Knowles is a massively popular singer and former Destiny's Child front woman. Since going solo she's only achieved greater success and enjoys near universal likability.

Why She Would Work

She does everything Madonna does, but better. She can sing better, she can dance better, more people know her songs and plus she could get any of her famed collaborators—pretty much anyone who's someone in hip-hop and R&B has worked with her—to appear with her.

Why She Won't Work

Beyonce is absolutely perfect for this and would be my top choice if it weren't for one issue: She's pregnant. So maybe not this year, but maybe in the future.

4. Outkast

Who They Are

Now we're entering the wishful thinking phase. Outkast is the wildly successful duo of Andre 3000 and Big Boi. They dominated the late 90s-early 00s in hip-hop with a string of hits and albums that were hugely successful in both commercial and critical acclaim.They have been on extended hiatus since the mid 2000s.

Why They Would Work

Outkast are the sort of big-screen super stars the Super Bowl needs. Their hits translate well to a big stage, and their personalities could just barely fit into Lucas Oil Field. Outkast are the hip-hop equivalent of Jimi Hendrix; explosive, propulsive, fantastically creative and unconventional and impossible to ignore.

Why They Won't Work

Outkast has been on hiatus since releasing their movie Idlewild to mixed reviews. Andre 3000 has disappeared, occasionally surfacing for a movie role or a guest verse, but mostly staying quiet. In 2009 Big Boi released his solo album Sir Luscious Left Foot: The Son of Chico Dusty to widespread critical acclaim. Both Dre and Boi have stated that until Andre releases his solo album, Outkast will remain on hold. So don't hold your breath on this one.

3. The Arcade Fire

Who They Are

The massively successful critics' darlings from Montreal, Canada, the Arcade Fire's style recalls such classic American acts like Bruce Springsteen, the Replacements, REM and other classic bands. They play all-together-now rock that often can feel like a communal experience in which you can't help but sing along to.

Why They Would Work

The Arcade Fire play music that is, in a cliche, epic. Over the top. Grandiose. Huge. Stirring. They play desperate end of the world rock and would give the Super Bowl a gravity that other artists simply can't produce. Plus, they are already familiar with NFL fans due to their leasing of the popular song "Wake Up" to the 2009 Super Bowl, the proceeds of which went to charity for the Haitian earthquake.

Why They Won't Work

Now the other shoe drops. To put it simply: Arcade Fire are a bunch of snobby art school indie kids who wouldn't be caught dead playing a commercial extravaganza like the Super Bowl (unless they could be convinced to do it for charity). Somebody get Bob Geldof!

2. Jay-Z and/or Kanye West

Ok, really quick here, I have a question. Why is it that the blackest artist to play the Super Bowl (besides E Street Band saxophonist Clarence Clemmons, RIP) is the Black Eyed Peas? White America eats up rap and R&B like it's nobody's business, but when asked to represent the black community in the Super Bowl (in a sport rapidly becoming dominated by black athletes no less) they choose some homogenized swill like the Peas? Really?

Sorry about that little rant. Good thing I have the perfect solution.

Who They Are

They are the greatest rappers currently in the game. Sorry T.I., Lil Wayne, Waka Flocka Flame, etc., but Hove and Ye have you beat by a mile. Jay-Z is the CEO of Roc-A-Fella records, and when he's not signing former enemies like Nas to his label, he's putting out huge commercial smashes like his last album, the Blueprint 3. His only competitor for best rapper alive happens to be his best friend and label mate. Love him or hate him, you can't deny the spellbinding talent of Kanye West. Every album he puts out is raved over by the critics and produces a string of hits.

Why They Would Work

Hove and Ye thrive on big stages. Their whole deal is making huge, world-beating rap songs. The Super Bowl is the biggest of stages, allowing them the chance to launch themselves and their personas into millions of living rooms. It would be epic. Just Jay-Z or Kanye by themselves would be great. But if they joined forces like they did on collaborative album Watch the Throne, the results could be tremendous.

Why They Won't Work

White America is still afraid of rap. That is the only explanation for why no rapper has been asked to play the halftime show despite the huge popularity of the genre. Jay-Z and/or Kanye are absolutely perfect for the half time show, but the squeamishness of old, white men will keep them from the stage. Which is a shame.

1. Van Halen

Who They Are

Who are they? They're Van (expletive deleted) Halen that's who!  They are one of the greatest rock bands of all time with one of the best guitarists to ever take up the axe in Eddie Van Halen and one of the greatest singers in rock history in David Lee Roth. Eddie and David have put aside their mutual hate for each other and the band has (mostly, still no Michael Anthony) reunited.

Why They Would Work

Is that even a question? Van Halen is designed to rock the biggest of stages, and it doesn't get much bigger than the Super Bowl. The classic rock band is one of the go-to cliches for the halftime show, and Van Halen would fit in perfect. They are safe enough for national television and exciting enough to get people into their show. Van Halen and the Super Bowl are a perfect match.

Why They Won't Work

There is literally no reason this would not work, except maybe David Lee Roth's ego. But if the NFL can handle Bono and Prince, they can handle Roth.

There. Ten choices who are better than the snoozefest that is a Madonna halftime show. Any suggestions of your own?