Brian Burke Says, 'We Need Outside Help' (Satire)

Imtiaz FerdousCorrespondent IIDecember 25, 2010

In a recent interview Brian Burke has stated that he does not expect his team to make the playoffs without outside help. So now the question is where does he find this outside help? While I don't know, I have spent the last several weeks trying to help him. Here's one story:

Me: (speaks into cellphone) Good evening colonel.

Colonel: It's you again! You give me the creeps!

Me: My wife tells me the same thing. Anyways colonel, I have a job for you.

Colonel: Why should I do it?

Me: I pay you very well. Also, the Leafs need outside help. I thought you'd be interested in helping.

Colonel: Of course. But...

Me: No buts colonel. Meet me at Burke's hot dog stand in five hours.

(Colonel shows up at hot dog stand and waits, suddenly his cell phone rings)

Colonel: Keyser.

Me: Ahhh, you've finally figured it out have you? Now see the old gentleman to your left?

Colonel: Yes. I thought I was going to meet you.

Me: Nobody meets me. Now see the red dot on his forehead?

Colonel: Ya wh.. (gunshot) You madman! What was the point of this?!

Me: Everything. Now that he's dead you will understand. Pick up the papers he has.

Colonel: (picks up papers) These are scouting reports of the Leafs. Along with papers on who they want, and what they'll give up. The team is the Thrashers. Of course you already knew that.

Me: Yes, now drop that in Brian Burke's office.

Colonel: (drops off papers) Now that that's done, what do I do?

Me: Burke will never use that information, he is too ethical.

Colonel: Why did we just drop that in his office then?

Me: Because I'm in there, modifying it to look like Nonis' report on what he suspects the Thrashers think.

Colonel: I didn't see you. Wait! I wanna see you! (bangs on the door)

Me: Don't be so illogical colonel. Seeing me is not something that is important.

Colonel: So what is?! I demand to see you!

Me: (sighs, then opens the door) You disappoint me.

Colonel: But you're just a ki... (gunshot)

Me: I hate getting my hands dirty. Now to clean up this mess. Where the hell is Richard Peddie? (calls Peddie) Clean up outside Burke's office.

Peddie: This is getting ridiculous.

Me: I'm doing this for the greater good.

Peddie: I hate the way you pretend. You and your whole damn organization!

Me: We're both part of the same hypocrisy, but don't ever think it applies to my organization. (hangs up, throws phone in garbage) The report's done. Now to get out of here.