Why Richard Peddie is Retiring

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Why Richard Peddie is Retiring
Brad White/Getty Images

Lots of people have wanted Richard Peddie fired. In fact, the media has been calling for his head for a long time. They call him the worst boss in the league, just like they will to whoever replaces him. However, where there's smoke, there's fire. In this case he is the worst boss in the NHL, and as a result I had to take it upon myself to remove him. I sent my spies to MLSE headquarters armed with the latest in technology, a crowbar, to see what they could do.


Spy 1: Man, security here is lax. We just broke open a window with the crow bar and ran in.

Spy 2: And the only response the security guard gave was muttering something about Fletcher being off his meds again.

Spy 2: Found it! Seriously, they have to stop hiding the secret documents in the folder marked SECRET in big red letters. Now let's give this to our boss. (2 gunshots)

Don: I regret this, I really do. But this must never be traced back to me. Colonel, get in position.

The colonel looked at Don while putting away his gun.

Colonel: Yes Don (he leaves).

(Peddie walks into the room)

Peddie: What's going on? How did you get in here? I'm calling security.

Don: (smiling) I wouldn't do that if I were you Richard.

A red dot was on the ground. It hovered over to Peddie's eyes. He blinked, and then it hit him.

Peddie: Where's the sniper?

Don: (smiling) Do you really want to know? Or would you rather I tell you what's going on?

Peddie:(glaring) This is outrageous!

Don: (frowning) No. What's outrageous is what you have done.

Peddie: Me?

Don: (glaring angrily) For the last several years I have been trying to unite the sports franchises of Toronto under one corporate umbrella. I always thought someone in the Ontario Teachers Pension Plan was stopping me. I never realized it was you!

Peddie: There was never a bid.

Don: You made sure of that didn't you? When Rogers was painfully close to buying the Leafs you influenced people around him. Sure, you didn't kill him, but it definitely sped up his death process. Even if it didn't kill him, he could not negotiate. And what's worse is that you did nothing criminal, so you could not be charged.

Peddie: So now you're after me? Who are you?

Don: I am the ghost story you tell your children at night. I am everything you fear.

Peddie: You're just going to kill me? (suddenly sees the two dead bodies) What the hell is that?!

Don: Casualties of war. These spies left a document that showed my guilt, but more importantly they know who I really am.

Peddie: Why are you so interested in combining the sports franchises in Toronto? And who the hell are you?

Don: I could tell you who I am, but then I'd have to kill you. As for combining the franchises, I will be the de facto owner of the franchises; Rogers is just a cover.

Peddie: A cover?

Don: Yes a cover, just like your whole job is a cover! You pretend to work for the Leafs, but you, you're working for Bettman! You have spent a long time making sure Toronto could not compete, you made sure the owners had no power to stop you, you made sure that Pat Quinn was fired!

Peddie: You have no proof of this.

Don: Did you meet the Rogers auditor who went through the MLSE books last week before making the bid? Under my directions he uploaded the email information of all the employees here. I went through all your things, and found out you sent emails to Bettman about how you would not only ruin the Leafs but the NHL!

Peddie: If such email existed, I would have deleted them.

Don: Nothing is deleted online. They can always be accessed. Why do you think Dale Tallon still uses regular mail?

Peddie: Give me those papers!

Don: (flinging papers at him) As you wish. I want your resignation within a week, or else I go public with this information.

Peddie: I don't understand why you can't just buy the Leafs yourself. Why the cover?

Don: Bettman would never let a criminal like me own a team.

Peddie: Ummm, actually...

Don: Right, but there's still the fact that I don't like the public scrutiny.

Peddie: (looking at the papers) There's nothing here!

Don: What?! (sees the papers are all blank, gunshot, Don drops dead)

Colonel: (calling me) The message has been sent.

Keyser Soze (me): (laughing maniacally) So many decoys! I can't believe Peddie never figured out that the spies were sent to get fake papers just as an excuse to get Don into the building to send a message to Peddie. Of course we couldn't let Don live to tell the tale.

Colonel: How did you know you all that? I didn't tell you all of that.

Me: I know everything my friend.

Colonel: I still have never seen you, why should I trust you?

Me: You shouldn't, and you will never see me. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that he's gone. (I turned off the cell phone and threw it into the garbage).
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