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(Satire) Ilya Kovalchuk Arbitration Hearing: What Should Happen?

NEWARK, NJ - JULY 20:  Ilya Kovalchuk of the New Jersey Devils speaks with the media after announcing his contract renewal at the Prudential Center on July 20, 2010 in Newark, New Jersey.  (Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)
Bruce Bennett/Getty Images
Imtiaz FerdousCorrespondent IIAugust 7, 2010

For those of you not currently living under a rock, you know that Ilya Kovalchuk's arbitration hearing was on Wednesday and it finished on Thursday.

For those of you who are living under a rock, "Hi Patrick! Say hi to Spongebob for me!"

So you all know I have multiple personalities (everyone does, they just call them mood swings), so I decided to let my reasonable personality and my strict authoritarian personality debate this.

AHHHH! PUT THAT KNIFE DOWN! Sorry my pessimistic personality nearly committed suicide!

Now where was I? Ahhh yes, the debate. Without further ado:

Reasonable: This should be in favour of the NHL. Even Lou Lamoriello said it was not fair, but it's still within the boundaries of the CBA.
Authoritarian: Are you kidding me?! The rules are set in stone. The Devils did not break a single rule! Why should they be punished?
Reasonable: I still disagree because although the rules were not violated the spirit of the CBA was. It was not supposed to allow loopholes like this to occur.
Authoritarian: HOW DARE YOU DISAGREE WITH ME?! I AM GOD! WHAT I SAY IS FINAL!
Reasonable: Ummm, isn't that a tad unfair? I mean, how are you God?
Authoritarian: That's it! You have disobeyed me for the last time! Room 101!
(hours of torture later)
Reasonable: OK. OK. You are right! You are always right.
Authoritarian: How many fingers am I holding up? (holds up three)
Reasonable: Three.
Authoritarian: And if I say four?
Reasonable: Then it must be four.
Authoritarian: Excellent! Muahahahahahahaha!

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