God to Penguins: See What I Did There?

With the Pittsburgh Penguins hanging on to the dream of a possible Stanley Cup win, The Almighty is giving a press conference outside the Mellon Arena. Let’s tune in live and see what’s on God’s mind:

“Hockey fans, I’m here to address you because I well, I, what’s the expression? Right. I made it rain. It was a decision that may have alienated some of my followers, but it had to be done. Sometimes I do that, okay? Don’t test me. You saw what I did to the Patriots.

My lawyer has suggested I hold this press conference in order to clear up a few things. Mainly: why did I interfere with the Detroit Red Wings and their potential victory?

First, I’d like to go on record and say that I am not a Penguins fan or a Red Wings fan.  I am a Whalers fan through and through, although after the team moved to Carolina, I lost interest.

I gave up on hockey. I focused my attention on Major League Baseball. Gave the Red Sox a bunch of wins. There was that whole Barry Bonds homerun whatnot…look, I was busy. But yeah, I am done with MLB; as you can probably tell by the Yankees being in last place and I am ready to work some of my magic. Super Bowl 42 doesn’t count."

(A rogue cell phone starts ringing. A man in the crowd looks at the ground sheepishly as he turns off his cell phone.)

“Excuse me? Do you want to get that? I’m kinda talking here, buddy. Is that a Lakers hat you’re wearing? Really? I’ll give Kobe a broken ankle! I will turn Derek Fisher into a frog! Do not mess with God!"

(God takes a minute to collect his thoughts. He breathes in and out slowly for a few moments.)

“So sorry about that. I have located my power animal and am now calm. What was I saying? Yes, I am completely and utterly bored. NFL season starts in September. Go Saints! But until then I’ve got nothing. I found myself watching the NHL playoffs.

What insanity! There was the whole Sean Avery being a brat thing. Don’t worry, I took care of it. He’s getting Anna Wintour lattes and picking up her dry cleaning.

There was Marty Biron figuring out how to be an excellent goaltender. Took care of that too, he’s playing golf.

There was Shane Hnidy, the spelling of his last name I found distracting on the back of his jersey. Took care of that, made him legally change his name to Brett Favre. I kid! I kid!

There was the Dallas/San Jose overtime fiasco, a game that would not end. Took care of that, promised Brendan Morrow I’d buy his soul back from Satan if he scored a damn goal. Note to self, get on that.

There was Detroit beating Colorado in only four games. That one wasn’t me, that was my son Jesus trying to prove to the old man that he’s still an important miracle worker.

Anyhizzle, hockey, with a little help from me, had become exciting again! Thrilling stuff happening on the ice. So I kept watching.

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