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Al Davis, Seduced by Speed, Selects Forrest Gump in 2009 NFL Draft (Satire)

ALAMEDA, CA - SEPTEMBER 30:  Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis speaks during a press conference to announce the firing of head coach Lane Kiffin of the Oakland Raiders at thier training facility on Septemer 30, 2008 in Alameda, California.  (Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images)
Adam LaFranceContributor INovember 1, 2016

Al Davis and Oakland Raiders head coach Tom Cable stunned the National Football League by making University of Alabama alumnus Forrest Gump the No. 7 selection in the 2009 NFL Draft.

Gump made jaws drop at the NFL scouting combine by running a flat 4.0 seconds in the 40-yard dash.  His speed, combined with his bizarre, robot-like tenacity as he barrels through (sometimes even dragging) defenders, had Davis drooling.

"In addition to his blistering speed, Gump brings an almost child-like innocence to the game of football," declared Davis.  "It's truly an honor to welcome him to the Raiders!"

Rumors of his Wonderlic score caused concerns with many teams, leading most scouts to believe he'd drop to the third or fourth round of the draft at best.  Ronald Adams has administered the Wonderlic test for the NFL for the last 12 years.  When pressed about Gump's Wonderlic score, Adams simply shook his head. 

"We've never had anybody score in the negatives on that test before," stated Adams.  "I've seen potatoes that have more brainwave activity than that kid," he added.

Most scouts were also concerned about Gump's penchant for missing catches.

"Coach Cable talked to me about catching the football," said Gump.  "He said that he was worried about my hands.  I told him that he had nothing to worry about." 

Gump stared bewilderingly at his hands. "I got two of them right here." 

Gump flexed his fingers. "I like shrimp," he added.

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