I would bet your next paycheck on the fact that Gary Bettman doesn't know how to skate. So, I'm imagining a scenario where Bettman has to get out on the ice for a charity event. You know, he has to reconnect with the "little people" after taking repeated dumps on their game. Sprinkled into the charity pick up game are some NHL players, old and new. Of course, there's your token celebrities that have laced up some skates before and want to remind us all that they used to be on television.
Now the game is just for fun, which means no big slapshots from the pros and no checking of course. So, picture an image where the pigeon-toed commissioner on his dual-trac skates ends up with the puck skating awkwardly out of his own zone. His head is down, because he isn't used to the feel of a puck on his stick while he skates.
He hears the roar of the crowd, obviously cheering the commissioner, and hears his teammates calling for the puck. There is also a rapid clicking getting louder, moving closer to him as he maneuvers up the ice. The cheering reaches a deafening pitch as Bettman smiles. This skating thing isn't so tough, he thinks to himself. The puck lurches off of his stick for a second, and Bettman pushes harder off of his left skate to catch up to it. "What is that clicking?" he wonders as he lifts his head for a second to get his bearings.
"HEADS UP!" yells a teammate."
That sounded like Snoop Dogg, or is it Snoop Lion now?" Bettman thinks.
BOOM!! A heavy shoulder to the jaw at full stride from the other team catches Bettman flush, lifting him off the ice and sending him into the boards shoulders first. The crowd roars its' delight at the scene as Dave Coulier and Justin Beiber glide over to assist their fallen teammate.
As they approach, they find Bettman dazed and stunned. His helmet and cage have been spun sideways on his head, his left arm seems to be hanging limp from its shoulder and there is a strong odor suggesting that the most powerful man in the NHL may have just soiled himself.
Now, lets be honest, it wouldn't take a mountain of a man, or woman for that matter to lay out Gary Bettman on skates. Chances are, anyone that knows how to skate could flatten the most unpopular man in hockey. It sure would be fun to imagine if one of the better hitters in the NHL had a shot at the commissioner.
Here's the top 20 guys who would be perfect for the job. Keep your head up, Gary, and, of course, enjoy now!