The Most Intimidating Player on Each EPL Team and Why We're Scared of Him

It was the day Robbie Savage, one of the vainest, most effeminate men in the history of the mankind, was christened a "hard man" that football cut all of its ties with its rich, working-class roots. The blond bombshell looked more like a man who'd spend this weekends sipping appletinis and receiving pedicures in his local salon just to escape the bitter breeze of a cold winter's day.  

Yes, I'm afraid the stoic days of miners and factory workers scraping their last shillings together in their worn, blackened hands to watch men fracture their skulls heading a leather bolder about a field are long gone.

However, are there any true hard men left? Even Vinnie Jones, the quintessential tough guy of the 90s, traded in his dignity to become a more one-dimensional, sociopath version of Jason Statham (a feat I didn't even think possible).

Well, to find out who the "hardest" men in the Premier League are today (and I use the phrase loosely), here is our guide to footballing intimidation team by team.

Arsenal

Hard Man: Thomas Vermaelen

Intimidation Rating: 3/10

Why We're Scared of Him: He's hardly Patrick Viera... or Tony Adams... or Martin Keown... or Nigel Winterburn. In fact, we're not really scared of Thomas Vermaelen—he's only on the list because he plays for one of the least manly teams in football. Soon Pat Rice is going to be Arsenal's enforcer. You need to be tough—both mentally and physically—to win trophies. Therefore, this explains a lot. 

Aston Villa

Hard Man: Barry Bannan

Intimidation Rating: 2/10

Why We're Scared of Him: It just gets better and better, doesn't it. Bannan is small and very technically sound, neither of which screams tough man. However, he does have the drinking habits of a rugged maverick; if you find yourself on the Birmingham section of the M6 late at night after a bitter defeat for Villa, you'd better be scared.

Blackburn

Hard Man: Chris Samba

Intimidation Rating: 8/10

Why We're Scared of Him: Now that's more like it. Samba is big and aggressive; just look at that photo—he looks like he could take on both Alien and Predator if they ever teamed up. With Blackburn on a one-way ticket to the Championship, Samba could grow more and more disgruntled and more and more scary.  

Bolton

Hard Man: Paul Robinson

Intimidation Rating: 3/10

Why We're Scared of Him: Robinson is by no means terrifying, but he does have the old-school look of a hard man. He doesn't speak out or moan, and he's a tough-tackling defender. That's enough to grant Robinson his place on the list.

Chelsea

Hard Man: John Terry

Intimidation Rating: 5/10

Why We're Scared of Him: I may be sensitive over the ongoing racism allegations—not that there seems to be any debate about it to me if you can understand English and lipread at a very simple level. However, it does add to Terry's existing tough guy persona. Terry is the biggest referee bully in the Premier League and has a smile deficiency that earns him this spot. He is still—in my mind—more of a coward than a tough guy.

Everton

Hard Man: Marouane Fellaini 

Intimidation Rating: 4/10

Why We're Scared of Him: Fellaini's hair alone send shivers up the spines of all the hairdressers of the of the country. On top of that Fellaini is big, strong and commits more fouls than  just about anyone in the Premier League. He still isn't as hard as his manager, David Moyes.

Fulham

Hard Man: Brede Hangeland

Intimidation Rating: 7/10

Why We're Scared of Him: Like Chris Samba, Hangeland is a big, tough, hard-nosed player who certainly doesn't shirk a challenge. He still isn't as scary as Martin Jol, however, one of the scariest men on sport. 

Liverpool

Hard Man: Martin Skrtel

Intimidation Rating: 7/10

Why We're Scared of Him: Skrtel doesn't look like a member of the Slovakian Mafia, he looks like one of the hired goons the Slovakian mafia reluctantly uses to perform brutal executions. The combination of tattoos and skinhead make Skrtel a daunting character; however, his lack of personality is what holds him back.   

Manchester City

Hard Man: Nigel De Jong

Intimidation Rating: 6/10

Why We're Scared of Him: The Dutchman is a professional enforcer when he gets on the pitch for City. Forget total football, De Jong almost totalled Xabi Alonso in the World Cup when he seemingly auditioned for a post-footballing career as a ninja.

Manchester United

Hard Man: Nemanja Vidic

Intimidation Rating: 8/10

Why We're Scared of Him: Vidic fits the mold of a hard, Easten-European defender perfectly and is therefore a straightforward addition to this list.

Newcastle United

Hard Mam: Cheik Tiote

Intimidation Rating: 8/10

Why We're Scared of Him: Tiote is a robust, physical specimen in the heart of the Newcastle midfield. He picks up a lot of yellow cards and is the outstanding choice on offer from St James' Park... or should I say the "Sports Direct Arena."

Norwich

Hard Man: Steve Morrison

Intimidation Rating: 6/10

Why We're Scared of Him: Steve Morrison deserves this spot for a couple of reasons. Firstly, Heonce decided it would be a good idea to join Millwall, and secondly he decided to risk the wrath of their infamous fans by leaving Millwall. Any man that leaves Millwall with their head still attached to their body deserves credit as far as I'm concerned.

QPR

Hard Man: Joey Barton

Intimidation Rating: 9/10

Why We're Scared of Him: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Joey Barton has more criminal convictions than England caps and once put out a cigarette in a man's eye. Try and compete with that. 

Stoke City

Hard Man: Robert Huth

Intimidation Rating: 6/10

Why We're Scared of Him: I present you with the newest member of the vastly expanding "Eastern-European Club of Ungentlemanly Men."

Sunderland

Hard Man: Lee Cattermole

Intimidation Rating: 6/10

Why We're Scared of Him: Cattermole has always had a reputation of a fiery competitor who isn't afraid to get his hands dirty. His disciplinary record and his sendings off in particular speak for themselves. 

Swansea City

Hard Man: Ashley Williams

Intimidation Rating: 2/10

Why We're Scared of Him: Swansea aren't renowned for their toughness and that's reflected here.

Tottenham

Hard Man: William Gallas

Intimidation Rating: 4/10

Why We're Scared of Him: He's grumpy, moody and falls out with just about everyone at every club he's ever been at. He's still not as scary as Joe Jordan though.

West Bromich Albion

Hard Man: Paul Scharner

Intimidation Rating: 3/10

Why We're Scared of Him: Scharner has been around the block and has a veteran presence, but he's no tough guy.

Wigan Athletic

Hard Man: Gary Caldwell

Intimidation Rating: 1/10

Why We're Scared of Him: It's moments like this you realise you're going to be relegated.

Wolves

Hard Man: Karl Henry

Intimidation Rating: 7/10

Why We're Scared of Him: Joey Barton doesn't like him (what else is new) and many know Karl Henry as more of a tackler than a footballer.