What Every NFL Coach Probably Does After a Bad Loss

The NFL is full of disappointments this year. Andy Reid and his "Dream Team" are on top of that list after falling pathetically short of lofty preseason expectations. 

As a fan of college football (awesomely unpredictable), this wild NFL season has kept me relatively engaged.  

With so much riding on head coaches, every game is crucial job-security wise.  These aren't personal attacks but rather in-depth looks at how each coach handles adversity. (Note: they're also severe personal attacks). 

Buffalo Bills: Chan Gailey

Chan locks himself in his office, throws on a Georgia Tech polo, and watches game tape of Yellow Jackets games from his tenure there.

He sends out a mass text to every guy on the team saying that the Bills need to be "more cerebral...like Fitzpatrick." Nobody responds, of course. 

Miami Dolphins: Tony Sparano

Tony goes to dinner with his wife, still dressed in his game day outfit, expecting nobody to say anything to him. (As a result of an accident in his teens, Sparano always wears protective shades, even when inside. If you picture him wearing sunglasses, a Dolphins hat, a Dolphins windbreaker, and khakis...and then place him in a nice Italian restaurant with his wife...there's no way you're not laughing). 

After about 30 minutes of small talk, he goes outside and calls Bill Parcells to ask for advice. After Parcells screams at him for 10 minutes about weak defensive performances, he goes back inside and thanks God that he has 3 wins. 

New England Patriots: Bill Belichick

As evidenced by this video, Belichick doesn't handle failure very well.  "Just shut the **** up, mang. Can you look at the scoreboard?!?!?"

It's likely that Belichick does nothing other than calmly walk out of the post-game press conference, consider getting a tattoo on his calf that says Biličić (his Father's original family name), and calmly enter his hotel room.  He proceeds to fold up his disgusting Patriots gardener's hoodie and place it neatly into his drawer. 

It's either that or he doesn't say a word for the next 48 hours while in a furious rage.  

By the way, doesn't the Croatian spelling above help to explain why his name is spelled Belichick but is pronounced BEL-UH-CHECK?!?!? 

New York Jets: Rex Ryan

WARNING: This video contains explicit content. 

Rex Ryan goes to the weight room, stands in front of the mirror without weights or workout clothes on, and screams "YOU ARE BETTER THAN ROB!!!!" over and over again until his head hurts. He reads the playbook over 14 times, turns Metallica's "One" on repeat, and stares at the wall. Until he falls asleep. Spends all day Monday watching game tape alone. 

And then he goes shoe shopping. Too soon?

Baltimore Ravens: John Harbaugh

There's nothing better than an NFL coach that acts like a politician.  John Harbaugh's rivalry with his brother Jim is no secret but let's not forget: he is the older brother. I can't help but think that John's postgame tomfoolery includes some sort of inflammatory text message critiquing the Niners' pass defense. 

Cincinnati Bengals: Marvin Lewis

Marvin Lewis doesn't normally flip out like this. He gets a massage and flushes that bad loss down the toilet. You gotta admit though...

...he sounds pretty badass in that speech. 

Cleveland Browns: Pat Shurmur

Pat Shurmur is so boring that he just scowls for about ten seconds. That's it. 

Pittsburgh Steelers: Mike Tomlin

This video is particularly hilarious considering the media tornado that Tebow has caused in the last 5 weeks. 

Tomlin simply destroys 3 orders of ribs and figures Big Ben will turn it around. After all, there's only been 3 Steelers head coaches since 1969.  He has essentially nothing to worry about in terms of job security, right?

Houston Texans: Gary Kubiak

Look at that picture and tell me it doesn't look like he's trying to talk trash to random teenagers in a crazy World of Warcraft online battle. I think it's pretty clear what Gary Kubiak does after a bad Texans loss. 

Indianapolis Colts: Jim Caldwell

...blinks. Doesn't that picture suggest that he never blinks during games? (Particularly because he hasn't won one yet?)

Leave it to Kicker Matt Stover (41 years of age): "The players absolutely respect him, and he's created a great, level-headed team. A team that doesn't blink."

Alllllllllll right. 

Jacksonville Jaguars: Jack Del Rio

In his best shooter McGavin impression (doppelganger helps) Del Rio hires a crazy guy to hit Arian Foster with a car. 

Tennessee Titans: Mike Munchak

Per a source, I have (not) legitimate knowledge that Munchak sips a dirty Manhattan, slips into the hot tub in his backyard, and throws The Ramones on the ol' speakers. 

Denver Broncos: John Fox

Everyone knows John Fox lives and dies by the run and solid defenses. Does this tell you anything? 

At this point, all I can imagine John Fox doing after a bad loss is Tebow-ing. That's so wrong...but it's so right...but it's so...ahh, **** it, you know John Fox was a huge planking fan anyways...so why not become a Tebowing fan?

Kansas City Chiefs: Todd Haley

"SNAP the ******* ball! Do you hear me?!?!? SNAP the ******* ball!"

From an interview with the Kansas City Star: “My grooming habits have nothing to do with the performance of our team,” he said with a smile. “That’s my own obsession, compulsive disorder, whatever they call it. You don’t get to see me when I’m picking up pennies and how I do it and what pocket I put them in.”

Todd Haley calls Roger Goodell and leaves a message complaining about the officials and what a-holes they are.  Punches a wall, severely fracturing several bones in his hand. Disregards the absurd swelling. 

Oakland Raiders: Hue Jackson

Watches an Al Davis tribute while rambling to himself in a completely empty locker room. 

San Diego Chargers: Norv Turner

I think this website says it all. He might be the worst trash talker of all time. 

Dallas Cowboys: Jason Garrett

He doesn't actually care whether or not the Cowboys win. At worst, he puts Death Cab's "Transatlantacism" on for relaxation purposes. 

There's a slight chance that he washes Jerry Jones' car. 

New York Giants: Tom Coughlin

Coughlin listens to Enya, drinks a glass of peach-infused green tea, throws on a cucumber face mask, and talks to his wife about how nobody understands him. 

Philadelphia Eagles: Andy Reid

Andy Reid locks himself in a secluded video room at the Linc, turns off all the lights, orders 5 pizzas, and goes to TOWN. He might even think about trimming his Ron Swanson-like mustache. 

Washington Redskins: Mike Shanahan

Chain smokes for an hour, goes to a tanning bed, and reads Machiavelli's The Prince. 

Chicago Bears: Lovie Smith

Goes to church. Unfortunately, this is the only sensible post-game reaction in this slideshow. Although even that's debatable.  

Detroit Lions: Jim Schwartz

Does suicides at a private indoor hoops court for two hours.  Pretends he's chasing Jim Harbaugh the entire time. 

Green Bay Packers: Mike McCarthy

Since the Packers rarely lose, he probably just forgets about it and maybe goes home for the night (see video). The last time the Packers lost was on Dec. 19, 2010 vs. the Patriots at Gillette Stadium. 

Minnesota Vikings: Leslie Frazier

Calls Donovan McNabb, promises him he'll start next week, than hangs up and immediately texts Christian Ponder and tells him the exact same thing. Later on, he holds a peaceful vigil with former Colts coach Tony Dungy. 

Atlanta Falcons: Mike Smith

Locks himself in a padded room and goes absolutely batty until he passes out. Picture every single insane Street Fighter spinning kick and you've got Mike Smith after a bad Falcons loss. 

Carolina Panthers: Ron Rivera

You can go two ways with this: either he morphs into the most interesting man in the world and smokes cigars while talking to beautiful women in a sleazy bar.  

OR  

He tackles his kids way too hard and spends the whole night in the hospital, wondering if he should text Cam Newton again after already texting him 12 times without a response. 

New Orleans Saints: Sean Payton

Sean Payton tells a horrible story to the media and calls it a day. Then he eats some lasagna. This guy is completely uninspiring. I have no idea how they won a Super Bowl. 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Raheem Morris

In homage to this video, Raheem Morris definitely strips down to his underwear after a bad loss. Knowing how fierce that defense has been in the past, it also wouldn't be surprising if he went all Survivor on some game tape. 

Arizona Cardinals: Ken Whisenhunt

Ok fine, that's Woody Harrelson. Solid doppelganger though.

Whisenhunt disappears to the boxing gym all night and boxes until 4am.  In an effort to prove that his players don't work hard enough, he bloodies both hands so badly that he can't wear gloves in the freezing December weather.  Walks 8 miles home and studies the playbook until he can't see anymore. 

San Francisco 49ers: Jim Harbaugh

Looks in the mirror and says "Who's got it better than us? EVERY-BODY!!!!" 

Seattle Seahawks: Pete Carroll

Slaps himself in the face numerous times on the drive home and stares in the rear-view mirror: "What's your deal?!?!? You used to be head coach of the Trojans. THE TROJANS!!!!!" 

St. Louis Rams: Steve Spagnuolo

Spags goes home, slams the door hard enough to wake the neighbors, and asks his wife to buzz his head (she's a hair stylist). 

"Really?" She inquires. 

"REALLY," he growls. "I gotta start fresh because that s*** was f****** embarrassing."