Perfect Endorsement Deal for Every Starting NFL Quarterback

One of the perks included with being a starting quarterback in the NFL (you know, besides the fame, adulation and millions of dollars...those are nice too) is the opportunity to make a little extra coin by doing endorsements.

With that in mind, here's a tongue-in-cheek look at the perfect endorsement opportunity for every starting quarterback in the league.

1. Ryan Fitzpatrick, Buffalo Bills

ENDORSEMENT: Merrill Lynch

Even a Harvard-educated quarterback could use some investment advice, especially after signing a six-year, $59 million contract extension.

2. Matt Moore, Miami Dolphins

ENDORSEMENT: Dyson Vacuums

Much like the fine folks at Dyson, Matt Moore and the Dolphins are experts at sucking.

3. Tom Brady, New England Patriots

ENDORSEMENT: Pantene

What, you think the Golden Boy uses bar soap to keep his locks so silky-smooth and pretty-looking?

4. Mark Sanchez, New York Jets

ENDORSEMENT: Burger King

Much like the New York Jets signal-caller's play many weeks, Burger King is almost guaranteed to give you heartburn.

5. Joe Flacco, Baltimore Ravens

ENDORSEMENT: Moen Faucets

If there's one thing Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco knows, it's running hot and cold.

6. Andy Dalton, Cincinnati Bengals

ENDORSEMENT: Red Roof Inn

Get it? Red hair? Red Roof? OK, I'm reaching.

7. Colt McCoy, Cleveland Browns

ENDORSEMENT: Colt .45 Malt Liquor

Not only are their names the same, but the play of the Cleveland Browns has been known to drive folks to drink.

8. Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Steelers

ENDORSEMENT: Bell Motorcycle Helmets

If ever there was someone who should be pitching motorcycle helmets, it's Ben Roethlisberger.

9. Matt Schaub, Houston Texans

ENDORSEMENT: Dish Network

Just like Dish Network, Matt Schaub provides a decent service, but he and the Texans have little to no shot at ever being No. 1.

10. Curtis Painter, Indianapolis Colts

ENDORSEMENT: Preparation H

Watching Curtis Painter and the Indianapolis Colts play causes many of the same symptoms that Preparation H alleviates.

11. Blaine Gabbert, Jacksonville Jaguars

ENDORSEMENT: Carlsbad Caverns

Jacksonville is the football equivalent of a deep, dark hole, so it makes sense for Gabbert to pitch trips to another one.

12. Matt Hasselbeck, Tennessee Titans

ENDORSEMENT: Rogaine

I think I'll just go ahead and let this one explain itself.

13. Tim Tebow, Denver Broncos

ENDORSEMENT: Ronco Pocket Fisherman

They made it sound great when you saw the ad on TV, but once you actually got the thing and tried to put it to use, you realized that it was a piece of junk.

Sound familiar?

14. Matt Cassel, Kansas City Chiefs

ENDORSEMENT: White Castle

The name thing's a nice plus; plus, much like eating belly bombers, watching Cassel play can cause indigestion.

15. Carson Palmer, Oakland Raiders

ENDORSEMENT: Barilla Pasta

Carson Palmer might as well shill pasta since his throwing elbow is mostly spaghetti.

16. Philip Rivers, San Diego Chargers

ENDORSEMENT: Prozac

It makes sense for Philip Rivers to endorse Prozac, since his play this season has been really depressing for Chargers fans.

17. Tony Romo, Dallas Cowboys

ENDORSEMENT: Patron Tequila

Just like Tony Romo, sometimes Patron is smooth and makes you feel good, and other times it chokes you and leaves you feeling like crap the next day.

18. Eli Manning, New York Giants

ENDORSEMENT: Anything but Oreo

I really don't care what Eli Manning endorses just so long as we don't have to sit through any more god-awful cookie commercials.

19. Michael Vick, Philadelphia Eagles

ENDORSEMENT: Kentucky Fried Chicken

Michael Vick is greasily elusive and delicious to watch at times, and besides, it's not like he can make the folks at PETA much angrier at him than they already are.

20. John Beck, Washington Redskins

ENDORSEMENT: Cottonelle

Washington Redskins quarterback John Beck would be a good pitchman for toilet tissue since he plays like sort of a, well, turd.

21. Jay Cutler, Chicago Bears

ENDORSEMENT: Match.com

It makes perfect sense for Jay Cutler to endorse an online dating site since he never saw a bad pass he didn't like.

22. Matthew Stafford, Detroit Lions

ENDORSEMENT: Aflac

Forget the duck—Aflac needs to get Detroit signal-caller Matthew Stafford as its spokesman. Lord knows he gets hurt at work enough.

23. Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers

ENDORSEMENT: Ginsu

Aaron Rodgers would be an awesome pitchman for Ginsu, especially given his propensity to carve up opposing defenses.

24. Christian Ponder, Minnesota Vikings

ENDORSEMENT: Harlequin Books

His name sounds like the title character in a cheesy romance novel, so the rookie quarterback should ink his first endorsement deal with Harlequin.

25. Matt Ryan, Atlanta Falcons

ENDORSEMENT: Ryan's Buffet

Besides the obvious similarity, Matt Ryan and a buffet joint have another thing in common in that both are decent but neither is what one would call excellent.

26. Cam Newton, Carolina Panthers

ENDORSEMENT: Fig Newtons

Not only should he endorse them, but they should change the name of the cookie/cake/whatever it is to Cam Newtons, because he's just that tasty.

Besides, no one likes figs anyway.

27. Drew Brees, New Orleans Saints

ENDORSEMENT: Head and Shoulders

A dandruff shampoo would be a great product for Brees to endorse, as his performance last week against the St. Louis Rams left everyone scratching their heads.

28. Josh Freeman, Tampa Bay Buccaneers

ENDORSEMENT: United States Air Force

Freeman would be a great spokesman for this branch of the Armed Forces, as he seems to be one of the few folks fonder of interceptions than fighter pilots.

29. Kevin Kolb, Arizona Cardinals

ENDORSEMENT: LifeLock

After ripping off the Arizona Cardinals in the offseason, the least Kolb can do is help keep people from having their identities stolen.

30. Tarvaris Jackson, Seattle Seahawks

ENDORSEMENT: Hefty Bags

This would be a particularly apt endorsement for Jackson, as he and the Seahawks have more often than not looked like garbage this season.

31. Alex Smith, San Francisco 49ers

ENDORSEMENT: Rice-a-Roni

This one's too easy, as Alex Smith and the Niners have certainly been a San Francisco treat for their fans this season.

32. Sam Bradford, St. Louis Rams

ENDORSEMENT: Excedrin

Tylenol or Advil just isn't going to cut it, as watching the Rams play for most of the season has given their fans a headache this big.