The Gaudiest Bling in Sports

Who among us doesn't enjoy the finer blings in life?

Now, I know what you are thinking: But Tim, I can't afford the finest blings this world has to offer, and I'm guessing you can't either.

And you would be correct. But what we can do is enjoy the absurdly gaudy jewelry that many athletes wear, the prices of which could probably forgive your student loan debts or possibly even pay off your mortgage.

Because those who shine should be getting their shine on. Or whatever the kids are calling it these days.

20. Dwight Howard

How nice is the ice?

I'm just going to go ahead and assume that's an expensive watch Dwight Howard is wearing. I think that's safe to assume, right?

Bling Lyrics Adjustment

We get the following from bling-182. I'm sorry, I meant blink-182:  All the, small blings / True care, truth brings / I'll take, one watch / Hey look, Sasquatch! / Always, the same / You'll be at my game / Watching, waiting, commiserating

(The original lyrics are somehow dumber than my revised version.)

19. Aaron Rodgers

Jewelry Assumptions

We're going to consider his championship belt to be jewelry. It's shiny, and other people are jealous of it—I'm fairly certain that is the definition of jewelry.

18. Dwyane Wade

Total Ice-essorizing

To properly Ice-essorize, one must wear several of the following all at once: Gaudy bracelets, watches, rings, earrings, necklaces and/or grills.

While a grill doesn't seem to be D-Wade's style, I'm a bit disappointed to see a lack of rings in this picture.

That's what LeBron said!

17. David Beckham

Bling Proverbs

He who has that hair, those tattoos and a smug look on their face while rocking that watch will probably get made fun of—a lot.

Bling Proverb Retorts

He who has that hair, those tattoos and a smug look on their face while rocking that watch doesn't give a crap if he gets made fun of because he has money—lots and lots of money.

16. David Ortiz

Ice Healeth All Wounds?

After the Red Sox collapse, you'd think Ortiz would want something to make him feel better. With all of the jewelry he obviously owns, I'm think his ice has gotten him through the dark days.

Bling Lyrics Adjustment

Take it away, Travis: Baby, you've been going so crazy / Lately nothing seems to be going right / So low, why do you have to get so low? / You're so... / You've been playing in the sun too long.

But if you bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling / For the game you bring won't mean a thing / Unless you bling, bling, bling, bling.

15. Cristiano Ronaldo

Everything About This Picture Annoys Me

And that's all I have to say about that.

14. LeBron James

Ring Lyrics Adjustment

We need you, Beyonce: Cause if you wanted it then you should have put a ring on it / If you wanted it then you should have put ring on it / Don't be mad once you see that Dirk won it / If you wanted it then you should have put a ring on it

My work here is done.

13. Michael Irvin

Bling Proverbs

A bling on the hand is worth two on the ears.

While that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, I'm going to allow it.

12. Mike Pouncey

What the hell is that thing?

That would be the watch that Mike Pouncey was wearing for this year's NFL Draft. I've heard of buying time, but this is ridiculous.

11. 2003 Florida Marlins

Actual Sports Bling

Let's drop some knowledge about this ring. From JamesAllen.com:

"

It is huge, with enough room to fit the name, number, and position of each player onto his ring.  It also showed the team`s season record, results of all three post-season series, and a likeness of the World Series trophy on the side.  It was made of 14-karat gold with 16-karat inlay, 13 rubies, 229 diamonds, and the eye of the Marlin`s logo was a rare teal diamond.

"

For more pictures, check this out.

(Obviously, I could have done this entire slideshow on championship rings alone. I only wanted to include one, however, and this was as gaudy as they've come. So there you have it.)

10. Bill Russell

If You've Won It, Flaunt It

There isn't much more to add than that, except Russell didn't have enough fingers for his 11 championship rings.

Ridiculous.

9. Chris Johnson

Bling Lyrics Adjustment

We need some classic Michael Jackson for this one: 'Cause this is griller / Griller night / And no one's gonna save you / From the runner about to strike.

I'll tell you this much, I wish "The Griller" would start picking it up—he's killing my fantasy team.

8. Chad Ochocinco

Halloween Costume Ideas

You're looking at one.

7. Floyd Mayweather, Jr.

Spelling on Bling is Overrated

If Floyd Mayweather was from Philly—where we just love to replace "F's" with "Ph's"—maybe I could understand him spelling filthy in that way.

And I'm sure there is some explanation for why it is spelled that way that I'm not cool enough to already know about.

But until someone cooler tells me what that reason is, I'm going to continue to think it is lame.

6. Ron Artest

Spelling on Bling Is Still Overrated

Sigh.

5. Mr. T

Athlete?

Well, he was Clubber Lang in Rocky III, for one thing. And he did his fair share of professional wrestling.

So while I don't pity the fool who doesn't consider him an athlete, I do disagree with him.

4. Allen Iverson

Bling Lyrics Adjustment

Dr. Dre, what are we gonna keep their head doing? Keep their headz blingin' (bling bling dong, bling-gading bling bling dong)

Word to your moms.

3. JaMarcus Russell

When was it spotted?

This necklace—which would probably give the average human being neck and back problems that would require serious surgery—was worn by Russell to Marcus Spears' 2009 birthday party.

Russell apparently bought himself a gift for the occasion.

Bling Lyrics Adjustment

Lauryn Hill: GM's, you know you better watch out / Some guys, some guys are only about / That bling, that bling, that bli-i-i-ing / That bling, that bling, that bli-i-i-ing

2. Deion Sanders

The Old Nickname

He's always been "Prime Time," but back when this picture was shot, he was still "Neon Deion."

An Actual Song from the Time Period That Will Suffice

Do your thing, Vanilla Ice. Whatever the hell that thing was.

1. Dez Bryant

Remember, Kids—Bling is Expensive!

From PFT back in March:

"

PFT has learned that Bryant has been sued by a jeweler who allegedly produced several custom items for Bryant in 2010.  Per the complaint filed today in the District Court of Dallas, Texas, A+A Diamonds, Ltd. d/b/a Rafaello & Co. alleges that Bryant received $267,000 worth of jewelry — and that he has paid only $21,000.

"

And just in case you aren't annoyed yet:

"

Bryant lost a $50,000 earring during a game against the Giants.  A security guard found the item.  The incident came a day after Bryant tweeted a picture of a diamond-encrusted necklace with his number, 88.  “I had to show the world my 88 necklace,” Bryant said at the time.

"

It's like I always say—think before you bling. I've never actually said that, but I think it holds true nonetheless.

My name is Timothy Rapp, and I put the "grrrr" in Swagger.