Plaxico Burress to Press Charges against Himself in Shooting (Humor)

Plaxico Burress has informed authorities that he will be pressing charges against himself in Friday night's accidental shooting at Latin Quarters. 

Hoping to get through this difficult chapter of his life without further injury, the star wide receiver is cooperating with police to bring the shooter to justice as soon as possible.

The ninth-year man—fresh off a game-winning touchdown reception in the Super Bowl—faces felony weapons charges after being arrested for having an unlicensed firearm in the state of New York. 

State law mandates a minimum sentence of three and a half years for illegal possession of a weapon.

However, Burress maintains the gun actually belongs to the man who shot him, and believes that's the actual crime that deserves thorough investigation.

"You find the shooter, you find the man that belongs in jail," said Benjamin Brafman, Burress' recently hired attorney.

A spokesman for the New York Police Department said they are doing "everything they can to uncover the facts" from the night in question. But, authorities are having difficulty covering Burress' misdirections.

The receiver claims the firearm discharged when he began to struggle with himself inside the popular nightclub.

Citing a momentary disagreement, Burress alleges the pistol was shot by himself when tensions escalated rapidly. The gun fired a round into Burress' leg, and he, himself fled the scene as Burress sought medical attention.

"The circumstances surrounding my arrest were irresponsible, neglectful, and disgusting," wrote Burress in a statement released Wednesday morning.

"I will still be cooperating with authorities in their investigation...My family and I are praying for justice."

According to various sources, Burress believes filing charges could help clear his name and reduce his four-game suspension with the New York Giants.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell—conspicuously absent during the legal proceedings—will be speaking with Adam "Pacman" Jones, and picking his brain in connection with the shooting.

When told that Jones was nowhere near New York during the incident, Goodell smirked slyly and said, "That remains to be seen."

Himself could not be reached for comment, but people close to him maintain his innocence.

Angel Navedo is the Head Writer at NYJetsFan.com, featuring frequently updated news and a premier fan community. He is also the Community Leader for the New York Jets on Bleacher Report.