Plaxico Burress Healthy, Immediately Reinstated By Roger Goodell? (Humor)

In what has become a ludicrious turn of events, former New York Giant wide receiver and recent recipient of target practice Plaxico Burress is back in the National Football League.

Burress, who learned an alternate definition to packing heat in a pair of sweat pants early Saturday morning, is also the subject of what appears to be a miraculous healing.

Burress met with the training staff at the Giants facility on Tuesday morning, after which there were a number of bewildered doctors wandering about the complex. One doctor was heard asking if anyone else had seen a wound heal that completely within 72 hours of being inflicted; Burress was completely healed and back to normal as though nothing had happened.

After receiving treatment and shocking the medical staff, Burress met with Goodell, the NYPD and Giants ownership to arrange what can best be described as a never-before-seen plea agreement with both the NFL and the police.

Burress agreed in principle to a deal that voids his current contract with the Giants less than six months after it was signed. The receiver also agreed to leave the city of New York for the remainder of the 2008 NFL season. In agreeing to leave the city and the money the Giants agreed to pay him, Burress will be allowed to return to the NFL immediately and finish the 2008 season at a prorated salary of $85 dollars per game...in Cincinnati.

Upon hearing of the acquisition Chad Ocho-Cinco flashed his golden smile. "We'll fix him up right," the player formerly known as Johnson said. "When Bengals hit the clubs, we put the safety on and wear pants with a belt."

Burress is obligated, based on the agreement reached with the NYPD and Goodell, to play the rest of his career with the Bengals.

One NYPD official, when reached for comment late on Tuesday, said "We could have sent him to jail, but is there really a difference? Both are full of criminals, but at least when you're in jail you can respect yourself. We felt this was a sound course of action."

Commissioner Goodell couldn't be reached for comment, but ESPN's Chris Mortenson received a statement from the Player's Association that read, in brief:

"The NFLPA is deeply grateful to Commissioner Goodell and the New York Police Department for their agreeing to work with Plaxico Burress during the tough time in his life. We are all worried for the safety of Plaxico, and keep the well being of all players in the forefront of any decisions made between the Association and the NFL.

"While we are all deeply saddened to see Burress headed to Cincinnati, we understand that there are consequences for actions such as these and accept the terms of the agreement reached on Tuesday."

Information about the deal is still being released, as there will undoubtedly be a press conference from the Commissioner's office regarding this deal within the next few days.