NFL Week 13: Letters to the League

To: Romeo Crennel

Re: It's time for the Wildcat

I heard where you said Quinn would be your starter next year.

That's a bit presumptive don't you think? It's very likely that Quinn will be Cleveland's starter next year, but to say he'll be "your" starter is a bit of a stretch.

The temperature of the seat on which you're sitting is getting hotter, and while I know you can't really acknowledge it, I'm here to tell you it's true.

To make matters worse, Anderson goes out and gets injured as well.

Ken Dorsey is now the starter and return man Josh Cribbs is the backup. You know, Cribbs has arguably been the best player on the Browns this season, so why not just let him start?

Who knows what could happen and what do you really have to lose anyway? It's the kind of move, if successful, that could save your job.

To: Jason Hanson

Re: Dead end career

Congratulations on tying the record for most kicks from 50-plus yards.

I looked into your career and do you realize you've played with the Detroit Lions for 17 years?

Yes, 17 years.

What does that say about your competitive spirit?

To: Rod Marinelli

Re: Quote Machine

You said it best yourself: "My shovel is sharp and my pick is sharp and my will is outstanding."

To be able to endure this kind of season and continue to walk to the podium game-after-game and indicate that you're going back to work to start on next week's game does say something outstanding about your will.

Sometimes you say things that make me scratch my head. Your comments are prophetic, confusing, folksy yet sensible, and weird all at the same time.

To: Plaxico Burress

Re: Giant ______

At the start of the season, when the other Giants' were resolving to win another Super Bowl, were you thinking of ways to not play for the team?

The fact that your contract was overflowing with clauses about inactive weeks and non-playing-related issues should have been a message to you.

The irony of the statement "shot yourself in the foot" takes on quite a few levels of meaning with this whole situation.

I know when Antonio Pierce got home and was thinking about everything, he was reminded of Cheddar Bob from 8 Mile.

How do you plead not-guilty here?

To: Tyna Robertson

Re: Mother of the Year

Geez, your son with Brian Urlacher is three-years-old. Any gender confusion that could occur will happen much later in life. And I think it would take a little more than some painted nails and a Cinderella diaper because ol' dad ran out of the G.I. Joe ones.

Then you go and say the man's punished by God with a bad back for being a bad father.

Harsh words from a lady using her son to get some more media time and gain leverage on visitation rights.

To: The Seattle Seahawks

Re: Where's the twelfth man now??

I believe it's official. All of America has forgotten that you guys are an actual football team.

Seriously, is there another less-irrelevant team or one flying more under that worst-team-in-football radar than you guys?

I guess this is when that East Coast bias is helpful.

To: The Detroit Lions

Re: Tryptophan

Okay by now we all know the effects of tryptophan. But you guys looked like you were overdosed on it Thursday.

Attached is a photo of me watching your game. This image is not uncommon on Thanksgiving Day, but what I need to point out is that I HAD NOT HAD ANY TURKEY YET!

2008 Detroit Lions: Asleep at the wheel.

Look on the bright side, you guys totally fleeced the Cowboys with that Roy Williams trade and Millen's not around to screw up the picks.

To: Lane Kiffin

Re: Family affair

If your dad comes with you to Tennessee and his defense blows a play, what happens then?

Do you chew him out on the side lines? Would he start taking off his belt?

This seems like a major conflict of interest.

To: Brett Favre

Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Eh

They don't have wildcats where you're from, do they?

That was a busted play if I've ever seen one.

To: Leon Hall

Re: Double coverage

It's never a good day when you show up in the game highlights as the victim on two plays.

I know you're trying to forget about it, but let's recap:

You bit on that reverse and Derrick Mason blew by you en route to receiving a touchdown pass from the other Ravens' receiver, Mark Clayton.

Then Clayton abused you again, making an impressive one-handed catch as you fell to the ground while he ran by you.

To: Jordan Palmer and Jim Leonhard

Re: Allow me to introduce myself

Usually, most highlights are comprised of players fans have heard of.

You guys were involved in what is easily the "who was that" play of the year when Jim intercepted that pass and returned it for a touchdown.

You guys were probably saying it, too.

"Who was that guy that threw that pass that I just intercepted?"

"Who the heck just intercepted my pass?"

This play took place and no one knew who on earth you guys were. 

To: American football fans

Re: Whew

Anyone else feel like this has been the longest week of football in a while?

Three games on Thursday, the Sunday slate, Sunday's night game, and Monday's game.

Never mind all the college games that were on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

You didn't hear me say this, but I think I need a break.