The 10 Guys in Every Fantasy Football League

Fantasy sports are full of archetypes.

There are tried and true drafting strategies: Stockpile running backs early used to be the rule of the land in fantasy football. Drafting studs guys at traditionally weak offensive positions early in the draft or waiting to select pitching and working the waiver wire for pitchers during the season are two that many employ in fantasy baseball.

Much like there are traditional drafting strategies, so too are there archetypical fantasy football players. I mean, at least one guy in your draft has to make the "Houshmanzilly" and "Who's your daddy?" joke at some point, right?

At least one guy has to get too drunk during the draft, right?

Of course. On this list, we attempt to identify the 10 guys that appear in every fantasy sports league. Chances are you probably are one of these guys.

I know I am.

10. The Waiver-Wire and Sleeper Guru (The Fantasy Hipster)

Somehow, this guy always identifies an amazing sleeper a week before that player has a breakthrough. Five minutes after a guy is called up from the minors or a new starter is announced, he's added him to this team. While the teams atop the waiver wire all place claims for the same player, he goes with an unorthodox choice that makes him look like a genius.

He's the annoying hipster of fantasy football.

But not just because he's "hip" to everything before you are—no, there is someone out there telling him who is cool to pick up that week.

He doesn't read "mainstream newspapers" like everyone else; who has time when you are reading every post from every fantasy writer on ESPN, Yahoo and a laundry list of fantasy blogs?

Sure, he's not completely sure where Libya is—geography is for squares. But he definitely knows where Andy Behren likes to get coffee.

Voting? Ugh. But you better believe he bitches on Twitter about something Bill Simmons wrote in relation to fantasy football.

His fantasy football team is a high-waiver-wire act, or so he'd have you believe—just don't get fooled into thinking his accurate sleeper predictions were actually his own predictions.

They weren't.

9. The Fantasy-Only Fan

This guy could probably tell you how many red-zone targets Cleveland tight end Evan Moore has this season.

What he couldn't tell you is what the heck a "Cover 3" is.

The "Fantasy-Only Fan" isn't really a fan of football—he just cares about fantasy football. He's a stats guy. He can't understand why anyone would make such a big fuss over that Troy Aikman guy.

Chances are more likely that the "'Fantasy-Only' Fan" is in one of your work leagues.

Because lord knows you wouldn't want to be friends with that guy.

8. The Contrarian

No matter what rules your league decides on, "The Contrarian" isn't quite sold.

Maybe you've explained to him numerous times that the league doesn't follow "PPR" rules because, while yards and touchdowns have intrinsic value within a game, a reception doesn't. It would be akin to giving players points for completions and handoffs-received.

Still, he doth protest. "But PPR is fun," he whines. Dude, if everyone else in the league thought "PPR" was fun, we would already have set up a PPR league!

He's the guy that either thinks league dues are too high or too low. Despite the fact that you organized the place and time of the draft months in advance, "The Contrarian" never shuts up about how he wanted to have it at Buffalo Wild Wings.

"The Contrarian" is generally pretty intelligent and a solid foe, so you keep him around. But damn it all if he isn't annoying.

7. The Cheapskate

Dude, pay your dues when everyone else does.

Don't be a jerk.

6. Captain Unprepared

He's the guy that drafted Mikel Leshoure this year, and was totally shocked when everyone informed him of the whole torn-Achilles thing.

"Captain Unprepared" normally has gaps in his lineup once the bye weeks hit. He's never even considered picking up the backups to any of the players he has who get injured.

It's highly possible he doesn't even have car insurance, while we're piling on.

Listen, it's easy to take his money, so you keep him around. And every once in a while, a blind squirrel finds a nut. But most of the time, Captain Unprepared has the nut sitting on his bench anyway.

5. The Let-Me-Tell-You-About-My-Team Guy

This guy's classic move at the draft is to whine loudly when someone they wanted was taken right before their pick, or to let everyone know that "I was thinking about drafting that guy." Good for you, sparky.

But it only gets worse during the season.

Listen, I don't care if you couldn't decide whether to start Shonn Greene or James Starks in your flex last week.

I don't want to hear you about how you thought Ryan Fitzpatrick would be a good start last week, and I sure as hell don't want to hear you lament about how you didn't have the balls to start him.

But hey, if we're being honest, we all talk about our team now and again—if you are hanging out with the right person, it's fun to talk about fantasy football.

But if you call me up twice a week and want to talk about these things—and that's all you want to talk about—that's just not cool, man. Go email Eric Karabell or something.

4. Mr. Serious

"Mr. Serious" is generally the commissioner in your league, or he's in your league as a member but is the commissioner in one of the other 14 leagues he participates in.

"Mr. Serious" will actually call up the parties in a trade and make sure they are making the trade for competitive reasons, and not because "I really like Player A because I love the Bears!"

"Mr. Serious" has either composed a 5,000-word constitution for your league, or he's suggested one be ratified. And yes, he used the word "ratified."

"Mr. Serious" will bore you with a dissertation on why "PPR" leagues make no sense since there is no inherent value in receptions during a football game.

Sadly, I often slip into "Mr. Serious" mode. It's an important role—"Mr Serious" keeps things organized and often comes up with ways to make the league unique and fair. But he's also way too invested in fantasy football, making him the the sport's equivalent of a "Dungeons and Dragons" addict.

Meaning that "Mr. Serious" is often a synonym for "Mr. Single."

3. The Homer

No, not that Homer.

"The Homer" has probably fielded decent teams in the past if he is a fan of the Eagles, Patriots or Colts, to name a few.

But if you are a homer and you think starting Andy Dalton, Cedric Benson and A.J. Green is going to take you to the promised land this year, well, you've got quite another thing coming.

By all means, take those guys while I select players who will have fantasy success this year. Hopefully I won't play you on the one week when the Bengals have a rare offensive explosion. (I know, I know, that week doesn't exist.)

2. The Trash-Talker

He's the guy that will remind everyone you drafted Larry Fitzgerald—like an idiot—way too high last year, and then remind everyone of the time he drafted Tom Brady in the first round and got 50 touchdowns out of him.

This guy will send a personalized email mocking you after he beats you. This email will inevitably involve him claiming the seduction of your mother.

This guy will actually change his team name each week to mock the opponent he is playing. It will inevitability involve him claiming the seduction of your mother.

This guy hasn't come across any trash talk he didn't love. And while some trash-talking makes any competitive endeavor a little more fun, "The Trash-Talker" doesn't know when to stop.

The only way to beat him, of course, is to remind him of each and every mistake or loss he suffers during the season. To beat "The Trash-Talker," you must become "The Trash-Talker."

Well, that or you could actually beat him in fantasy football. That works too.

1. The Guy That Bails on His Team

At the first sign of trouble, he just stops paying attention.

What did you expect when you selected Joe Flacco in the third round last year, dude?

Still, just because your team sucks and started 0-3 isn't an excuse to completely jump ship. You're just handing wins to teams that are trying to make the playoffs—maintain the competitive balance, damn it!

Be sure to hit me up on Twitter (@TRappaRT) along with the entire B/R Swagger team (@BR_Swagger)