32 Gifts For 32 Teams: Christmas Comes to the NFL

Every year I like to do this. I like to play Santa and answer some letters that GMs, fans, players and coaches possibly send to Santa or in some teams' cases, God.

So I hope you guys take some measure of enjoyment out of this, because this is probably the most fun I will have in writing, outside of the "I told you so" article when the Jets get to the Super Bowl.

Arizona Cardinals: A bible to start praying on. After the way you treated Anquan Boldin, "The Quan" could be leaving Arizona quicker than Matt Leinart can make himself and the team look bad.

Atlanta Falcons: One of those mind erasing devices from "Men In Black" to erase their memories of Michael Vick's sad existence in a Falcon's uniform. Oh, and some polish for Matt Ryan's Rookie of the Year award.

Baltimore RavensL Some major money, to try to lure Anquan Boldin here in the offseason. Flacco needs a lead wide out, because Mark Clayton just isn't the answer.

Buffalo Bills: To Bills' Offensive Coordinator Turk Schonert a map to James Hardy's talent, and how to make him your No.  2. wide out behind Lee Evans.

At 6'5" and with explosive speed. Trent Edwards could get used to a guy like Hardy.

Carolina Panthers: A copy of the song "Why Can't We Be Friends" and maybe a better dental plan for Ken Lucas, and some MMA lessons for Steve Smith.

Who's gonna be next, UFC champion Brock Lesnar? Better question, who knew a wide out could hit that hard?

Chicago Bears: I think Santa gave you your gift early. Matt Forte ring a bell?

Cincinnati Bengals: Some lawyers and chocolate. Divorces can be nasty, and it looks like you're about to be divorcing you're top two wide outs.

T.J. and Chad will probably want to be traded. This could get dirty.

Cleveland Browns: Some antacids, because this off season is going to be hard to stomach. Also, a copy of "Romeo and Juliet" because just like in the play, Cleveland will be missing their "Romeo" at the end of the year.

As for Romeo, I give you some extra wisdom, since you'll likely be a candidate for the Lion's coaching job. The wisdom to say no, or at least to ask for a few more million.

Dallas Cowboys: Keys to the chains that are binding Terrell Owens. Also to Roy Williams. Seems like your receivers need to be let out to run. Quit keeping them inside.

Denver Broncos: A running back that is stable. The revolving door has been open long enough. Jay Cutler needs stability if he's going to mature as a pro quarterback.

Detroit Lions: To the fans mainly and Kevin Smith, poor, poor Kevin Smith. Hope, and a bible. You're gonna need all the help you can get. It might be too late. Not even divine intervention can help this team now. Kevin, Calvin, and Drew might be stuck rebuilding for about as long as the Chinese took to build the Great Wall.

Green Bay Packers: You guys get nothing except COAL. What you did to your Hall of Fame quarterback rivals only that of Mr. Scrooge. To do that to whom might be consider the best QB of all time by some, is a monstrosity.

Houston Texans: "A quarterback, a quarterback, my kingdom for a quarterback!" Ok, Andre Johnson, I hear you loud and clear. Now will management hear you. you have a good running game and your defense is turning a solid corner. You have a Robin to your Batman-(Kevin Walter) now all you need is a QB. Hey Matt Cassel or even, just maybe Vinnie. Vince Young could be had.

Indianapolis Colts: With Marvin's impending retirement, I grant you the gift of a player who will be as much a team player and delight to the fans as Marvin has been.

Not being a Colt's fan, I often find myself on the other end of Marvin's great games, but he's gonna be missed when he does retire.

It's hard to replace your firmest voice in the locker room and harder if it's a guy like Marvin.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Read above, to the Colt's list and switch Marvin's name with Fred Taylor's. It might not be this year, but it will be soon, and it'll be a shame.

Kansas City Chiefs: Read the Lions list and replace Kevin and Calvin, with Tyler and Dwayne, and the Colts' list and replace Marvin's name with Tony Gonzalez's. I personally think the Chiefs need to relocate.

Miami Dolphins: The will power to wait a few years. This team will be good again, give it a couple of years and once the young players mature this team will be something. How good can the AFC East be in like three years?

Minnesota Vikings: Yo, Adrian! I'm giving you the gift of not waiting for anyone to tell you, you'll probably be the league's MVP. Oh and to coach Childress, a list of all the players whose name is "Williams" that aren't on your team. All 45 of them, since maybe you have a Williams fetish. Also Venus Williams is single.

New Orleans Saints: Some glue to put Reggie Bush back together. Some common sense to realize he's probably not the answer at running back. Pierre Thomas is gonna be a special player, and can be in the Big Easy, if you make him that way.

New England Patriots: Some super models for the rest of the team. Some magic to heal Tom Brady's knee and a running back. Hey, call the Saints, they might be dumb enough to give you Pierre Thomas.

New York-Giants: A leash, for Plaxico. He definitely needs to be kept on one.

New York Jets: You guys got Kris Jenkins, Brett Favre and my pick to go to the Super Bowl, what else do you want? Maybe a new stadium?

Oakland Raiders: Hope that JaMarcus comes around and that Al Davis has a stroke. As long as Davis is running the show, you'll be in the basement of the NFL.

Philadelphia Eagles: Hope that Donovan McNabb really isn't that dumb. Ever considered trading him or you know, leaving him at the bus depot?

Pittsburgh Steelers: Hmmm, what to get for the team that has everything...Oh, I know, a healthy running back. Look at Pierre Thomas. I will get you the gift of the Saints GM's phone number, to inquire about Pierre.

San Diego Chargers: I'll give you hope that next season doesn't go as terrible as this one did. your season is done and that's the nicest thing I can do for you, is to help you realize that.

Seattle Seahawks: I'll give you the gift of a coach not named Jim Mora, Jr. Also a few wins by Detroit so you land the first overall pick.

San Francisco 49ers: I'll give you the presence of mind to know that you could be the Arizona Cardinals of 2009. Assuming you get a decent coach next season.

St. Louis Rams: To Tory Holt, I give you the gift of free agency, and the ability to revive your career after St. Louis sapped the life out of you.

Tampa Bay Buccs: To John Gruden, I give you the gift of a smack on the head. You need to realize that 30-something quarterbacks aren't the answer. Matt Cassel or Vince young, however, might be.

Tennessee Titans: A treadmill for LenDale White. Wait, that's a waste, you honestly think he'd ever use the thing? The 20 yards a game he runs is probably enough.

Washington Redskins: A new dress for Clinton Portis's alter ego. No one thinks about the alter egos at Christmas time.

Ok, so I hope you enjoyed my comical and sometimes true look at what I think the teams need for Christmas, or at least what I've gotten them.