Malkin’s Mind: Major Sports Topics I Can't Stop Thinking About

This week’s award for the athlete whose career is the biggest mess goes to professional golfer, John Daly.

In the last few months, Daly has lost every one of his sponsors except for Hooters, only made $52,000 on tour events and got arrested for public disturbance while highly intoxicated.

On top of that, he is currently traveling around the country selling his personal memorabilia to help pay his bills.

Daly is a complete mess and should be permanently suspended from the tour until he can get his act together. In the meantime, he can enjoy his lifetime supply of Hooters wings and cheap beer.

The 15 seconds of fame award goes to the Texas Tech bell ringer. If you didn’t catch the Texas vs. Texas Tech game, just picture a young fat Shaquille O’Neal wearing all Red Raider apparel.

The kid was going wild, shaking the coveted bell while screaming hilariously with his tongue permanently hanging out of his mouth. He basically looked like a hungry grizzly bear who was taking up way to much of ESPN’s game time.

This week will be monumental for the horse racing world, where Curlin will be auctioned off to the highest bidder. Curlin, who won the 2007 Preakness Stakes, is expected to sell for over $20 million.

My suggestion for this event is to run a school-wide charity event to help raise money to purchase the animal. Having Curlin galloping around campus would definitely be a major contributor when it comes to admissions and school tours.

Somali pirates have hijacked a Saudi Arabian oil tanker this week and are currently demanding a ransom for the goods. My suggestion is for the entire Detroit Lions team to take their 0-10 record and change careers.

I’m sure a pack of wild Somali Pirates would love to have the speed of Calvin “Megatron” Johnson and the 350 pounds of Gosder “Cast No Shadow” Cherilus during their next hijacking mission.

The strangest looking professional athlete has got to be Marshawn Lynch, the Buffalo Bills running back. Next time you get on a computer look for a picture of the man from California. He looks like a combination of a wild boar and a massive Wyoming buffalo.

Mark Cuban, the billionaire owner of the Dallas Mavericks basketball team, has been charged with insider trading this past week. Cuban is said to have sold 600,000 shares of the internet website, Momma.com.

One day after the sale, the stock plummeted and Cuban saved $750,000. Why a billionaire would risk himself for less than a million dollars is beyond me and clearly was a bad choice.

What I do know is we all can get excited for the future couple of the year where Cuban makes his move for the equally delightful Martha Stewart.

Greg Oden clearly has a lot of potential and may become a great player someday. However, at this point in his career I am not sure if it is going to happen.

He is always injured and he looks more like a middle-aged giant rather than a 20-year-old kid. It is also said that one of Oden's legs is shorter than the other, which is beyond strange and clearly does not help his cause.

I hope he becomes a great player while growing into his exceptionally large and disproportionate body.

What I am going to miss most about this year’s college basketball season is Kenny George. The 7-foot-8 center for the UNC-Asheville basketball team will miss the entire season while he undergoes foot surgery.

The guy is so tall that the class desks can’t fit him, so he sits on the floor where he is still at eye level with the rest of the class.

While he travels with the team, an entire row on the bus must be removed just to fit his legs in the given area. He has no real skill but it is always interesting to watch a real life Goliath run up and down the court.

Stephon Marbury has officially been declared the one NBA player parents least want their kids to play like and to be like when they grow up. Marbury has been placed on the New York Knicks inactive list and he is currently healthy.

For every game this year he has sat his disruptive and volatile self on the bench with his new head tattoo for all to see.

All I can say is his $21 million salary could definitely buy himself a fancy and expensive massage chair to keep his body loose while sitting on the team’s sidelines.