12 NBA Superstars and Their Superhero Alter Egos

So, I got to thinking. What if NBA players were superheroes? Who would they be? 

I just got to thinking about this because of the whole "He's a Robin but he's a Batman. Then I got to thinking, there are a lot more superheroes out there other than Batman and Robin, and well...Superman.

So I started considering some stars and some Superheroes and putting them together, and these are the results.

Bear in mind that these are for entertainment purposes only. Any occurrences of actually outing the true identity of a superhero is purely accidental.

The order is completely random and the stars chosen were based solely on being the best similarity to the Superhero in question. Any taking serious of this article will be met with severe mockery.   

Kobe Bryant: The Punisher

Take a look at that face for a moment.

It's so intense that if his eyeballs had actually focused on the lens, it would have broken the camera.

Kobe's game face is so mean that if he has a bad hair day on game day, the mirror apologizes. 

His game face is so mean that he actually never gets red lights on game days. 

Calling Kobe Bryant a fierce competitor is like calling Jessica Alba kind of cute. 

Kobe Bryant is not "fierce." He's "killer." That's what distinguishes him from everyone else of his generation. It's what makes him great. Heck, he even calls himself "Black Mamba," the most lethal snake in the world.  

The Punisher was a unique Superhero because he would kill, which isn't something you're usually looking for. 

So yeah, this one was easy. They're both killers. 

Jason Kidd: Wolverine

Well, I wanted to put in Wolverine and I had a hard time coming up with someone. I ended up settling on Jason Kidd for three reasons. 

1) Tough as nails. 

2) Quick healer

3) He shreds defenses like he's got adamantium claws.

Kidd has been doing so long that he needs to change his last name to "Middle-Aged." He has more games started and more games played than any active player in the NBA. If he plays another year, he should also set the NBA record for minutes played by a guard.

There you get the tough as nails and a quick healer part. The only feasible explanation for a guy who plays as hard as Kidd does, and doesn't miss much time, is that he actually is Wolverine.  

Ray Allen: The Green Arrow

Does this one really need explanation? First, it's not like it's a stretch what with the whole sniper thing going on. I mean,

Ray Allen is such a good shot that when he plays "52 pick up" the cards actually land stacked...and in order. 

When Ray Allen drops something, he makes it.

Ray Allen doesn't actually "pour" a bowl of cereal he just opens the cabinet and the fridge door and everything just falls in the bowl.

Ray Allen has never gotten an "h" in horse.

He is the stud of all shooters, and he wears green. So that was an easy one.  

Dwyane Wade: Leonardo

Leonardo, like Dwyane Wade is the quiet leader of the group. He battled with his "little brother" for leadership of the team, and lost for a while, but has now taken his rightful place as leader and the team is all back together. 

He also needs a hard shell to withstand all the criticism. 

One other similarity, he's an absolute Ninja on the court. All that's missing when he comes up with those super-vicious chase-down blocks is the black robe and mask. 

Kevin Garnett: Nick Fury

Nick Fury, of the S.H.I.E.L.D. is a 100-year-old grizzled veteran who drinks a special medication called "infinity formula" which keeps him from getting old. He's old and grizzled and mean and nasty and tough. Sound familiar?

Kevin Garnett has the mean and nasty streak down. There must be something he does when the postseason rolls around because he just seems to keep going. He's played more minutes before his 34th birthday than anyone in NBA History. 

He's every bit the old, mean, grizzled veteran loved by his team and hated by the enemy. The only difference between Garnett and Fury is the cigar. 

Dirk Nowitzki: The Crow

All right think about Dirk and the Crow. I'm going to describe this and you tell me which one I'm talking about. 

He was thoroughly beaten and left for dead, and then came back and got revenge on the ones who did it. Am I talking about the Crow and T-Bird and his boys or am I talking about Dirk Nowitzki and the Miami Heat. 

It's not just that. There's also when he came back, Dirk was a lethal assassin on a mission. The only difference between the Crow and Dirk was Halloween.   

Blake Griffin: Thor

When Blake Griffin dunks, he really brings the hammer down. 

When Blake Griffin dunks, he brings the thunder. 

I know this because I hear it on the TV all the time. Griffin can dunk. 

In fact the rumor is that there's going to be a name change to "Griffin Donuts." 

I've also heard that there's concerns that Griffin's dunks might actually be affecting the San Andreas Fault. 

So, thunder and hammer. Remind you of anyone? 

Derrick Rose: The Flash

Derrick Rose is so fast he doesn't watch game film, he just watches himself play live. 

Derrick Rose is so fast he doesn't take the team's charter flights, it's quicker to jog. 

Derrick Rose is so fast he plays himself in one on one. 

Derrick Rose is so fast that he's actually changed history twice. (Think Superman the Movie)

Yeah, I know that Wade is nicknamed Flash, but even he says Rose is faster. I know this because he told me that personally.  

LeBron James: The Green Lantern

This one is kind of perfect. Think about it. The Green Lantern can do whatever he wants to do, but he has to have the will to do it. 

I mean, it's like so completely perfect that there's nothing else to add to it. 

Kevin Durant: Captain America

I know, you were thinking of "Spider-Man" because of the whole Durantula thing, but that's too easy, and he's really nothing like Spidey anyway. 

It took me a while to figure out Captain America, but after I explain it you'll think it's perfect. So think about it. The original Steve Rogers was tall and scrawny. 

Check. 

Captain America is unerringly accurate when he throws his shield, i.e. a good shot. 

Check.

Captain America is just an incredibly good guy, who just doesn't do anything wrong.

Check.

It doesn't work with his name, but he's the best Captain America out there.  

Dwight Howard: The Incredible Hulk

Again, you were thinking Superman right? Yeah, can't do that. To be Superman you have to be the best, ever, period. That's not Dwight Howard. 

I'll let you guess who it is but name rhymes with Jicahel Mordan. 

Nope, Dwight Howard is easily the Incredible Hulk. 

The Hulk?!?!  

Yep. Think about it. First, Dwight is normally a really nice guy (Bruce Banner) but he's got a bit of a temper problem. 

Sound familiar?

Add to that the Hulk is incredibly strong. 

Still with me? Howard is a beast!

Aside from that how many people are seven feet and ripped like Mark Wahlberg without taking steroids? I can think of two, Dwight Howard and the Hulk. 

Steve Nash: Spider-Man

Now this one took me a few minutes but I like it. Peter Parker is the least "superhero" looking of all superheroes. I mean he's a nerd that got bit by a spider right? He's also incredibly smart. 

Steve Nash is the type of guy that if you didn't know who he was and was telling you he played in the NBA you'd be like, "yeah, right!"

And he'd be like, "No, really! I've got two MVPs." 

And you'd say, man, you're desperate! Get a new shtick, pal.

Steve Nash in the NBA looks like Peter Parker in the wrestling ring. You think there's no way he belongs there until he starts zipping around like a character in video game, making everyone else grab at air and look silly.

It's not so much speed as quickness and amazing agility that make Nash one of the great point guards in history. That plugs in to Spidey just fine, the brains and the nerdy appearance just add to it.