My NBA Fantasy Team: The Bad-Hair Club

I was surfing the fantastic World Wide Web today, and I came across an article on ESPN that caught my attention.

In Marc Stein’s "Weekend Dime" article, he discussed the impending suspensions of Steve Nash, Rafer Alston, and Matt Barnes. He was correct in saying that it seems as though the NBA likes to punish the Suns more than other teams (see the 2007 playoff suspensions of Boris Diaw and Amare Stoudamire for evidence of this), but something else struck me when I was reading the article:

What happened to Steve Nash’s mullet?

It used to be a thing of complete ugliness that quite frankly made the Suns fun to watch, if for no other reason that to mock the man and his mullet, which seemed about as appropriate for a Canadian as a buzz cut for a member of ZZ Top.

Now, it has been replaced by a more clean cut look that makes him look like somewhat of a professional, but all the fun has been sucked out of his appearance. I frankly would love to see the raggedy hair come back in grand style, but past history and my own instincts tell me that this is not possible.

With this in mind, I have decided that for this NBA season, I would like to assemble a team based not on their stats, or their heights, or even for the number of championship rings the players have, but for the hideousness of their hairstyles. Only current entrants will be considered, so unfortunately for you Phoenicians and Nash fans out there, your boy is not on our list.

Center

Robin Lopez, Phoenix Suns

Alas, we have to start our team with a player from the squad of the aforementioned Steve Nash. Lopez’s hairstyle looks like a mix of Justin from American Idol Season One and Justin Timberlake back in the early 2000’s. He also slightly resembles the hairstyle that Lionel Ritchie employed at some points during his career, the Jheri Curl.

Mr. Lopez defies most established norms for how adults are supposed to act. He and his twin brother Brook frequently played with toys in their dorm room at Stanford (how the hell did they get in with their laundry list of adolescent hobbies?), which might explain his love of this particular look. What a mess.

Power Forward

Joakim Noah, Chicago Bulls

Anyone who has ever seen this hybrid of Bozo the Clown and Sideshow Bob knows exactly why he is featured prominently on this list. It is hard to fathom that anyone in the world would keep their hair in such a hideous style, but I guess that if you had a face that looked like that, then certainly you wouldn’t give a damn what your hair looked like.

I personally was horrified to see this Neanderthal standing next to David Stern on draft night in 2007, but when I realized he was wearing a Chicago Bulls hat, the horror turned to downright suicidal thoughts. Oh well. He is an average player at best on an average team, so I guess it can’t be that bad.

His hair is certainly worthy of this list, and if I ever do a “horrifying smile” team, he would certainly be a part of it.

Small Forward

Andre Kirilenko, Utah Jazz

Ever since this man has come into the league, he has been popular for exactly two things: the fact that his wife allows him to cheat on her once a year, and his atrocious hair.

Now, it has certainly evolved over his time in the league, but every style that he has come up with has just been a new low. Since this is the case, I decided to pick the picture that I thought was the most appropriate representation of his style.

I wonder how he justifies the fact that his wife is gorgeous, and he looks like something out of a 1950’s horror movie with that mop. I certainly wouldn’t blame her for cheating on HIM.

Shooting Guard

Mike Miller, Minnesota Timberwolves

This guy was certainly not always this horrifying. When he was at Florida, and his first few years in the league, he had a very tame short-cut hairstyle. All of a sudden, in recent times, he has decided to enter into the “bad locks” fraternity with this wretchedness.

I personally think that people who go from a good hairstyle to a terrible one need to immediately have their head shaved by David Stern in front of a television audience, and the locks burned in a ritual that would permanently exorcise the stroke-inducing urge to have a terrible haircut.

Point Guard

Allen Iverson, Detroit Pistons

I am not really saying that I think that A.I. has really super bad hair by putting him on this list. I instead am saying that he hasn’t changed his hairstyle in quite a few years, and normally, fashionistas will not appreciate keeping the same ‘do for too long.

He has had cornrows for as long as I can remember, back when I read an S.I. article about him over and over while eating Boboli pizzas.

I’m not going to bother including a photo of Mr. Iverson here, because we all know what his hair looks like.

I would also like to include as an “honorable” mention Shaun Livingston. His hair reminds me of a longer version of Darius Miles’ do, and because I have a vendetta against him for being in the terrible movie “The Perfect Score”, I will take it out on Mr. Livingston.

So there you have it. My all-bad hair NBA starting lineup. I think it would stack up rather favorably against the Impossible to Pronounce Russian Club, or the Horrid Facial Hair Group. Hopefully this has been a fun detour from the normal serious NBA grind for some of you.