The Sports Doctor Is In: Spring Fever Takes Control

As winter draws to a close, and the sun rises on a nice warm day in Colorado, the sports world is ready for another round of day-after sports hangovers.

The NFL may be done until July, but the bottles of aspirin will be in demand throughout the summer. So yes, the Doctor is in—and he's got the cure for every form of spring fever looming on your sports horizon.

1. Indoor Spaces

The Arena Football League may not be the NFL, but it's just as much fun: The field is smaller, the goal posts are thinner, and the players love every minute of the games. And it's a great time for the fans, too. I mean, where else can you see John Elway, Jon Bon Jovi, Ron Jaworski, and Mike Ditka sipping beers in the cheap seats? Symptoms of Indoor Spaces Syndrome include excessive scoring, constant lead changes, bone-crunching hits, tendencies to pay homage to a wall, and a deep admiration of kickers.

2. Diamonditis

It's said that diamonds are a girl's best friend—until spring training starts. The national pastime is set to return for real, with early predictions favoring Detroit to finish what they started in November. The Cardinals lost a good portion of their World Series roster, but a healthy bunch of Running Redbirds could still make a push for the repeat. Symptoms of Diamonditis include massive consumption of hot dogs, copious drinking of ice cold beer, constant chasing of flying objects, embarrassing amounts of crying and sobbing, and deep-seated animosities towards any friends who root for the wrong team.

3. March Madness

Insanity has its perks: Stores have sports sales, churchgoing increases, and pubs do record business. What's the deal? The biggest college sports event in the country, the NCAA Tournament. Heading into the Sweet 16, Ohio State is the frontrunner to win it all, followed by upset-minded UCLA and defending champion Florida. But look out: The Gators say it doesn't matter who they face—they're all going down. I may decide to change my mind about who makes it to the show, but I still believe the G-Men will finish the job and repeat the feat.

4. Lights, Cameras, Playoffs!

It wouldn't be spring without the NBA and NHL playoffs. In the NBA, the Mavericks and Suns look to be on a collision course, while the defending-champion Heat are still trying to figure out life after D-Wade. In the NHL, the Colorado Avalanche are in danger of missing the postseason for the first time since moving to Denver, and the Carolina Hurricanes could find themselves passing off the Stanley Cup if they don't step it up in the very near future. And here's a good one: The two best teams in the league, points-wise, are...Buffalo and Nashville? Either that last one's a typo or the upset gods have one more trick up their sleeves.

5. Foaming Saliva

Okay: This one's a little different, but bear with me.  It's the sporting event that makes every redneck in Arkansas come down the mountain and find a bar...with cable. It's Wrestlemania, of course, and before a champ is crowned in the NCAA, titles will change hands in the Super Bowl of the WWE. John Cena defends his WWE Championship against the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels, while SmackDown's World Heavyweight Champion Batista tries to sully the Undertaker's perfect record. Also look for the matchup between Bobby Lashley—representing Donald Trump—and the the Samoan Bulldozer Umaga—representing Vince McMahon. As an added bonus, the special referee will be Stone Cold Steve Austin, someone who Californians probably wouldn't mind having as their governor.

But of course the Doctor wouldn't be the Doctor if he didn't fix what was ailing you. Now that I've got all that out of my system, I can only think of a few remedies to make everyone feel better:

1) A bottle of Ibuprofen (preferably about 300 or so)

2) Face paint and mask (with your favorite team's colors)

3) A deep savings account (for the hefty bar tab you're guaranteed to ring up between now and April 2nd)

4) A dozen roses (because your wife or girlfriend will most likely hate you if she doesn't love sports...or if her team loses to yours)

5) Tickets (because the only thing better than cheering your team to a championship is being there in person with 50,000 screaming fans)

6) And last but not least...a Vegas excuse (because your boss is probably trying to think of a reason not to be at work for the next month—and you're just following company policy)

So those are your meds, and I, like every good doctor, will leave you with these words:

TAKE TWO OF THESE AND DON'T CALL ME IN THE MORNING...BECAUSE I'LL BE NURSING THE SAME HANGOVER.

And don't worry guys—the NFL will be back soon. Until then, savor the fruits of your labors, and enjoy everything in moderation. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a massage, a kegger, a bachelor party, and a beer truck to flag down.

The Doctor is out. Have a great spring.