The Secret Athletic Careers of Notable Politicians

Politicians are smug, soulless, pedantic robots hard-wired in such a way that will justify their molestation of the American public for their own corrupt means.

And by some accounts, athletes harbor the same traits.

This symmetry begs a question (or ten):  What would happen should those on Capitol Hill trade in their cloaks of invincibility for jerseys?  Would the same characteristics that allow politicians to lie, deceive, and cheat their way up the ladder in Washington translate to success on the playing field, and if so, at which particular sport would each of them excel?

Here’s some possible scenarios:

Nancy Pelosi

Calling a spade a spade, Pelosi is simply no pushover.  The first woman to be elected Speaker of the House of Representatives, Pelosi uses her distinction to muscle a left-wing agenda in the face of formidable conservative opposition with unwavering determination and a real snoot for Republican fear.

And she also gets a kick out of dominating her opposition. 

Using a spit-on-their-neck-after-they-have-been-kicked approach, Pelosi has won every election in her native northern California since 1986 by at least 50 percentage points, making the 68-year-old mother of five the undisputed alpha female of the Democratic Party.

If only the former House Whip could transfer this political aggression to the middle of the Oakland Raiders’ defense.  A roving middle linebacker dressed in a librarian’s clothing, Pelosi’s heart, natural leadership, and invaluable willingness to stick her nose where it isn’t wanted would instantly upgrade the Raiders’ pathetic run D—and give owner Al Davis a much needed companion. 

And though she’s undersized compared to modern NFL standards, the 5’ 2” Pelosi has more get-up-and-go in her little finger than the entire Oakland defensive line.

Rahm Emanuel

Affectionately labeled by his Congressional colleagues as “Rahm-bo,” Emanuel embodies everything that is wrong with Washington, yet he possesses all the psychological attributes shared by dominant closers across baseball. 

A fiery personality that enjoys a good game of eye-for-an-eye, Emanuel reportedly shouted the names of several President Clinton detractors as he plunged a steak knife into a table during a post-presidential election dinner in 1996.

Now slated to serve as the next White House Chief of Staff, the hypocritical Emanuel will team up with President-elect Barack Obama in an attempt to end the executive-level corruption that has helped cripple our economy.

In 2001, while working for the money-grubbing Clinton administration, Emanuel was paid in excess of $200,000 to serve on the Board of Directors at Freddie Mac.  During his tenure, the mortgage regulation corporation came under repeated fire for accounting irregularities.

Hmmm...

Regardless of whether this 48-year-old has an ounce of athletic ability whatsoever is irrelevant.  The point is that his malicious attitude is exactly what the back end of the Washington Nationals’ bullpen has sorely lacked since the team settled in our nation’s capital. 

Unafraid of a volatile situation, Emanuel would be part of a dwindling number of hurlers willing to throw inside and use a little chin music to their advantage. 

Furthermore, his innate ability to forget (and forgive) his own mistakes would amply improve the mindset of a young Nats staff that has posted a team ERA under 4.50 only once since 2005.

Larry Craig

A self-admitted “wide guy,” Craig would lead us to believe that his horizontally disproportionate body could be used for one thing and one thing only outside of the political arena: stopping a puck.

The embattled former senator from Idaho committed career suicide when he pled guilty to attempting to coax lewd conduct from an undercover police officer in a Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport bathroom. 

But, like they say, from misfortune will arise opportunity.

Unlocked by the sheer salaciousness of the event that signaled his political demise was the little-known fact that Craig possesses a pair of nimble feet to complement his large frame—both common traits among elite NHL netminders. 

With new career paths now open, Craig may want to strongly consider packing his bags and heading southeast, where his skills would surely be welcomed by an Atlanta Thrashers team that has surrendered a league-high 55 goals this season.

David Petraeus

The puppet master who was entrusted to pull the strings of the nation’s military forces in Iraq for more than four years, Petraeus (whether famously or infamously) directed the efforts that helped radically transform the political climate in a land long ruled by tyrannical dictatorship.

Possessing keen instincts driven by a meticulous attention to detail, the former head of U.S. Central Command deftly maneuvered his men across countless battlefields, into hostile territories, and around fierce competition, all the while dealing with incessant scrutiny for any tactic gone awry.

An avid skier and soccer player as a youth, there’s no doubt Petraeus possesses the athletic ability to play any sport.  But add his physical prowess to a long list of intangibles and you have the makings of a savvy signal-caller just waiting for his shot at the NFL. 

Having stepped down from his post last September, the lanky Petraeus will have time to bulk up before he enters Herman Edwards’ quarterback carousel in Kansas City, where the 1-8 Chiefs are one step away from grabbing schmucks from the stands to see if they can cut it under center.

Considering he singularly led the free world in a successful fight against terror, there’s no doubt Patraeus would be able handle running a simple pro-style offense, although, by the looks of him, it appears he might have trouble throwing the deep out.