How the Cleveland Browns Can Put the Bark Back in the American Dream

I wanted to leave at the end of the third quarter. I knew what was coming just like I know the sun will rise tomorrow. And sure enough...I don’t need to go through the flubby details.

Yes, I’m inventing new words now to describe the execution of the Browns' defense and the pass-catching abilities of its receiving corps. As I tried to fall asleep Thursday night, I couldn’t help but wonder what if it is our fault? What if our beloved Browns continue to flounder simply because we expect them to?

Like Cubs fans, we don’t just want our Brownies to win. We want our team to overcome insurmountable odds and then break our hearts at the last minute.

And Romeo, sweet Romeo, if this is the case, stand up and let us know. We will boo you out of town. But it won’t be because you don’t have a backbone. It will be because in our heart of hearts, we don’t want to be Cubs fans. This is what no one in the organization seems to understand. 

 

What It Means to Be a Browns Fan

I watched Thursday night’s catastrophe at a local BW-3’s with my girlfriend who is currently experiencing her first football season with me. In the spirit of having an open relationship, I began to describe the importance of beating the Broncos. I told her about “The Drive” and “The Fumble” and how John Elway is the scum of the earth.

She asked me how old I was when that happened, and I responded with stories about the "Kardiac Kids" and "Red Right Eighty-Eight," which happened before I was born. She replied, “You sound like a Red Sox’s fan.” I threw up in my mouth.

We are not Red Sox’s fans. We are not Cubs fans. Despite our occasional lapses in judgment, we are not Philly fans. And while we want the Indians, Cavs, and even the Buckeyes to succeed, we are not their fans the same way as we are Browns fans. The closest thing there is to being a Browns fan is being a fan of the Brooklyn Dodgers.

The Dodgers, like the Browns, were always the underdog, but there was always the belief they could win. “Wait til next year” is synonymous with the Brooklyn Dodgers, just as we have our Believe-land Browns.

In the '40s and '50s, the Browns and the Dodgers were the most progressive organizations in all of sports. The Brooklyn Dodgers, like our Brownies, used to represent everything that was good about America and could be again. And then one day, they left.

Ultimately, though, even the Brooklyn Dodgers comparison falls short. They will never come back. They will never have players and coaches and front-office staff competing against the past. The Brooklyn Dodgers are a memory that cannot be resuscitated.

The problem with the front office is no one understands the enormity of the task at hand. Butch Davis did and had a nervous breakdown.

As much football knowledge as Romeo Crennel and Phi Savage have (and for the moment, I will assume they have some in order to ascend to the positions they have reached), they have an impossible task of bringing our memories out on the football field.

They’ve tried to whittle away at it using their football knowledge, but their football knowledge doesn’t translate into attainable goals. Proving the 3-4 will work in Cleveland is an unattainable goal because there is no way to measure it. The same goes for developing a quarterback or hoping young players will blossom. How do you know when you have succeeded? Winning the Super Bowl or making the playoffs are abstract goals that may or may not be achievable by obtaining unattainable goals. 

This line of thought is more twisted and confused than the Browns' secondary, yet, it is the philosophy of the organization. I’m tired of waiting for it to work, and I have a solution.

JUST BEAT PITTSBURGH. I don’t care how. Like Tiger Woods prepares for the Majors, everything the Browns do should be in preparation for these two games. The other pieces will fall into place. JUST BEAT PITTSBURGH. Sign free agents to do it. Draft players to do it. Practice plays in other games to do it. Put incentives in contracts to do it. Book every hotel room in a 50-mile radius so they have to have a long bus ride to do it. JUST BEAT PITTSBURGH.

Be accountable. Stop feeding us bull. And JUST BEAT PITTSBURGH.