Red,White, Black and Blue: McCain and Obama Settle It in The Ring

     Americans were served a dish of apple pie jam packed with excitement in the long

anticipated fight night. There has been plenty of entertainment leading up to the battle

on this liveliest of Saturday nights. First fans were shocked by the outcome of the blood

bath between Sara “the Thrilla in Wasilla” Palin and Joe “Mama Said Knock You Out”

Biden. Then the main event between Barack “n’ Sock Em” Obama and John “Sugar”

McCain was loaded with action and controversy.

     The lesser-known underdog Palin was so confident that she urged her fans to put

money down on her victory, saying “You Betcha I’m gonna nak him out”. Early in the

fight, Biden landed a left jab to cut Palin’s eyes, obstructing her vision and forcing a

peculiar wink. Nevertheless, she lived up to her promise and knocked Biden through the

ropes and on to a bridge to nowhere in the 5th round.

     The rising tension before the final bout was so great, you could even smell it. It was 

a scent not even Joe the Plumber could eliminate. After eight years of dissatisfaction,

the divided crowd grew to a crescendo in anticipation of a new champion. Both fighters

gingerly climbed their platforms towards the ring, Obama to the blue corner and Mccain

to the red.

     Mccain planed to assert his toughness and experience to seize the

momentum of the younger Obama, who recently won a close decision against “Killer B”

Hillary Clinton. Both were in for a long night of back and forth action. Early rounds went

Obama’s way as he circled to the left and swiftly eluded McCain’s offense. Obama

attacked McCain from multiple angles, but received answers from McCain after every

blow. McCain may not have been as graceful but certainly left an impression on the

judges.

     Neither fighter had a clear edge as the fight continued into the middle rounds. In

desperation, both resorted to dirtier tactics as the fight elevated in intensity.

McCain had trouble reaching Obama’s upper torso, so he delivered a few blows below

Obama's midsection. Then he accused Obama of having a relationship with Oscar De La

Hoya, who once terrorized fans with his music career. Obama spread his attack, and

delivered blows to some of McCain’s vital organs. Both fighters were completely taxed

and desperate for renewed sources of energy by the 10th round. McCain’s Cheeks were

swollen to those of a chip monk, and Obama’s gloves could no longer cover his

cauliflower bat-like ears. And heat from the crowded arena was beginning to melt the ice

used by both corners’ cut-men.

     McCain refused surrender, and forced the issue by pressuring Obama against the

ropes. He used his experience to fight Obama at a distance and gained an edge in the

battle. McCain leaned to the right and dug into Obama from his powerful base. Obama

strategically pulled out of the ropes, and occasionally changed his stance in response to

McCain’s surprise attacks from the left.

     Both were exhausted but were more than willing to go passed each bell. After the

final bell, the two shook hands and walked a victory lap, then greeted their wives. This

would be a close decision. Unfortunately the judging system in DC does not have the

greatest reputation. The judges are not voted on, but selected by the King, Don King,

whose choices have been controversial. Hopefully the outcome of this match up will be

decided justly.

 Illustration by Hanley Hoang