The NFL Sad Sack Seven: Week Nine

"Welcome back,
To that same old place that you laughed about..."

Everybody sing, as Norv Turner returns to his home, his old throne, the land of the basement-dwelling Sad Sack Seven.

Welcome back Norv, we knew ya couldn't leave for long. Grab a chair and play those same old sad songs ya know so well.

1] The Cincinnati Bengals 0-8

The Bungles keep bungling badly along. They might not run the table and go 0-16, but Bengals players seem confident they can break the 0-10 mark held by the 1993 Bengals.

Bengal WR Ocho Cinco said he wants to win a game for coach Marvin Lewis. Coach Marvin Lewis would like Cinco not to drop five catchable passes a game.

In a show of team unity, and to protect his pocketbook, Ocho Cinco said he will wear Johnson on his back again. Some teammates suggested another, cruder word for Johnson, or at least to stay Spanish with gran trasero.

2] Detroit Lions 0-7

Coach Rod Marinelli says he is seeing progress on the field. 

Which begs the questions: What field? What team? What game? What was he smoking?

3] Kansas City Chiefs 1-6

Herm Edwards snatched defeat from the jaws of victory by going ultra conservative in an effort to run out the clock against the Jets.

Herm needed a first down at the end of the game to lock up the win. So Herm runs three straight plunges and punts. The old plunge and punt strategy. That tricks 'em every time.

Herm, of course, screwed it up, and the New York Jets got the ball back and Brett Favre stole a win.

Why gamble with an exciting Chief season ready to collapse if Riverboat Herm fails on his wild roll? So Herm went conservative, yet again.

And Herm dropped his 15th of his last 16th games. But at least the Chiefs didn't get literally run over by the Jets like they did the week before by the Tennessee Titans.

Rod Marinelli calls that progress.

4] Oakland Raiders 2-5

Oakland took its usual bad drubbing at the hands of the boring Baltimore Ravens.

Mad eyed Raider Owner Al Davis sat singing his tale of Raider woe in his lonely owners box...

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore -
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.

Asked if he would win a Super Bowl ever again Davis, grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous Raider yore croaked.

«Nevermore».

5] San Diego Chargers 3-5

Charger coach Norv Turner proved he could lose on any continent by dropping a game in old London Town.

It's always a sure sign of coaching desperation when the head guy hands over the head of a loyal assistant, as Norv did when he canned his defense coordinator, Ted Cottrell, somewhere over the swirling Atlantic.

It's like a drowning man flailing, pulling anyone under he can grab. Now Ted's dead, baby. The buck has to stop somewhere, and San Diego is too talented to be this bad.

6] San Francisco Forty Niners 2-6 

New coach Mike Singletary said, after his halftime pantless pep talk failed this week, he is considering going Full Monty for the whole game to motivate his men.

Ticket sales have reportedly increased throughout the Bay Area, as fans are thrilled at the prospect of a half mad, naked coach in meltdown mode.

Eager for a job to fit his talents, ex-Detroit Lion assistant Joe Cullen, famous for his drunken, naked drive through fast-food pick ups in Motor City, has begged for a nude, or semi-nude, assistant coaching job.

7] St Louis Rams 2-5

New Coach Jim Haslett has the Rammed playing much better than they did under the hapless Scott Linehan. Or else Haslett has a brilliant Machiavellian mind and staged a quite coup by playing the possum defense.

Either way, the NFC West is a horrible division and a motivated Haslett defense will steal some games. 

Sad Sack Seven Sour Notes:

Must we begin the "Is he retiring and we hear he's talking to Deanna about it" Brett Favre saga all over again? For the love of Zeus, spare us.

A disgusted, looking tongue twisted, Warren Sapp mumbling that New England Patriot Vince Wilfolk late hit has no place in football is the height of hypocrisy. Remember Sapp hijinks's? His vicious crippling hit on Green Bay Packer OT Chad Clifton? Please NFL Network, end the Sapp Experiment.

NFL Network, what happened to the hot NFL Replay Commercial girls? Especially that Bengal girl. Bring her back. The Bengals don't have much else going for them.

It's been a good-news/bad-news week for Jacksonville Jaguar WR Matt Jones and Pittsburgh Steeler WR Santonio Holmes. They both were suspended for drug issues, but F/X has signed them to make a buddy stoner comedy called Jones and Holmes. 

In honor of Halloween and his first victory in London town, New Orleans Saints Coach Sean Payton said he would install the Werewolf of London defense.

He's the hairy handed gent who ran amok in Kent,
Lately he's been overheard in Mayfair.
You better stay away from him,
He'll rip your lungs out, Jim,
Huh! I'd like to meet his tailor.
Ahhwooooo... Werewolves of London, Ahwooooo!
Ahhwooooo... Werewolves of London, Ahwooooo!