NBA: Alternate Career Suggestions for Top 30 Players if There is a Lockout

The NBA is headed for a lockout. It is almost certainly going to happen, and depending on the length of the lockout, we could see huge chunks of games being lopped off the schedule.

We could see very few games go missed when the players and owners realize how much money they are going to be losing from not playing, there could be no games missed if negotiations go extremely well.

However, the consensus is that there is a very real possibility that we could see something like 1999 where they only played 50 games of the normal 82.

So, what are the players to do with themselves if there are a good number of games missed next season, and how are they supposed to make some money for the time being.

Well, that's where I come in.  I have opened up a temping service for NBA players where I give them jobs based on their skill set, personality, hobbies or just what they need to do over anything else.

Some are easy, I'll have Jimmer Fredette go on missionary trips to Zimbabwe with Tim Tebow.  However, others are hard.  I want to make Eddy Curry a food critic, but I'm not sure, "Zhomgombgchogngzongs," coming out of his mouth while he is chocking down a roasted duck in lemon sauce qualifies as a food review.

I've got a lot to sort out, but I have given some of the best players in the NBA jobs already, go ahead and take a look at their new career paths (and I didn't literally rank them in order, so don't take how the slides are positioned for more than they are you crazy, argumentative folks).

Kevin Martin-Bus Driver

Kevin Martin makes his money on the court by driving to the lane and taking the ball to the hoop to score for his team.

If a lockout comes around the corner, he could be driving to the bus stop, taking the kids to school to keep them all safe and secure.

Martin has been concerned with school bus safety over the past year ever since a child in Zanesville, Ohio died in a school bus accident, whose funeral he paid for.  He has since been an advocate for bus safety and for seat belts on school buses.

A lockout could mean Martin could get these kids to and from school as safe as possible.

Chris Bosh-Butler

Chris Bosh fancies himself a gentleman among gentlemen in the NBA, even throwing a distinguished gentlemanly celebration for his birthday.

Well, I say what better way to learn how to be the perfect gentleman than to constantly be dressed in a tuxedo, serving some gentlemanly billionaire who holds gentlemanly balls.

Who knows, maybe he'll learn from the gig and stop screaming after every small play he makes. After all, gentlemen don't scream.

LaMarcus Aldridge-Check out Nursing School

LaMarcus Aldridge learned how to play center for the Trail Blazers through the course of the year and did a fine job of it, looking like he knew exactly what he was doing by the time December rolled around.

So, why not take a few nursing courses and see how much he can learn before the season starts back up.

That way, the Blazers don't have to wait for the team doctor to rush on the court to figure out that Brandon Roy's knees just exploded or that Greg Oden's spleen fell out, he can diagnose them right off the bat, and they can get the guys on the DL as quickly as possible.

Zach Randolph-Don't...do...anything!

For the first time in his career, Zach Randolph is in almost no trouble.

There are no drunk driving charges, he isn't being a horrible teammate, hell, he might have even taken his lawyer's number off his speed dial (I don't even think people have speed dial anymore, but the joke still stands).

The worst thing he can do is go out in the world and see something that could get him into trouble.

For Pete's sake, just stay home, sit in your backyard by the pool and wait for someone to come tell you that it's time to play basketball again, believe me it will be better that way.

Andrew Bogut-Bartender

Whether it be in Milwaukee or back in Australia, there are plenty of drinkers around for Andrew Bogut to serve.

He just has the look of a grizzled Aussie running a bar, plus we know he is beloved around the city, especially since he started giving tickets away to the most rowdy and raucous people in Milwaukee forming "Squad 6."

Tim Duncan-Buckingham Palace Guard

What job requires employees to be as emotionless and stone cold as Tim Duncan? The Buckingham Palace Guards of course!

Tim Duncan would be so good at this job that they might just make it a permanent position.  Hell, they might make him manager to teach all the newcomers how to be as cold and emotionless as he.

I have to think that I just demonstrated how little I actually know about the Buckingham Palace guards if I think they have guys just come in and do the job and are headed up by a manager.

Kevin Garnett-Boston DMV Manager

Back in 2007, Kevin Garnett retold the story of what he called his, "Own personal nightmare," when he took a trip to a Boston DMV trying to update his drivers liscense.

Garnett says he was in the building for four hours while he waited with no available reading material and had to wait while they searched for a ruler to properly measure him, as their chart only went up to 6'6".

Apparently, Garnett had never had terrible DMV experiences back in 2007, so why not let him take charge and give them any pointers he might have.

Josh Smith-Post Office Clerk

What is Josh Smith going to miss most about the NBA if there is a lockout?  My best guess would be blocking shots left and right.

So, why not sit him down in front of a huge pile of mis-addressed and un-stamped mail and let him put that red "RETURN TO SENDER" stamp viciously and emphatically hundreds of times a day.

I hope you enjoyed that horrible joke, I know I did.

Steve Nash-Babysitter

Steve Nash as a babysitter would be a complete success; there is no doubt in my mind.

Who in the NBA would be better at teaching a bunch of five-year-olds about sharing?  Nobody, that's who.

I'm telling you right now, if Steve Nash can make the Phoenix Suns contend for any kind of playoff seed then he can keep a bunch of children from killing each other.

Joe Johnson-Santa Claus

Joe Johnson, like many of the other players in the NBA is very involved in his community, giving back tons to the Atlanta community.

For six years, he has hosted JJ's Santa-Lanta For Kids holiday event giving games, food and gifts to local kids in the Boys and Girls Club.

So, if the lockout ends up going longer than many of us expect why not just take the next step and put on the big white beard and the red suit?

Tony Parker-International Playboy

Technically, it's not really a job, but it is something to keep him busy for the months where there are no former teammates wives to hit on.

Everyone knows about the saga between Tony Parker and Erin Barry, Brent Barry's wife, with whom he allegedly cheated on his wife.

So, while he is bored at home, rather than searching for some kind of boring job he can just jump from country to country putting on the smooth French charm picking up chicks.

Rudy Gay-Minor League Baseball Player

A few years back, Rudy Gay bet his cousin that he could hit a home run, at which his cousin laughed.

Well, a batting practice session with the Memphis Redbirds later and Gay proved to his cousin that he could smash a ball into the cheap seats.

It's unlikely he could make a splash at a high level, but if he can get ahold of a ball like that, maybe he could try out for a Single-A team.

Ray Allen-Amateur Golfer

It has been said that Ray Allen is the best golfer in the NBA.

A few years back Golf Digest ranked Ray Allen as the 30th best athlete golfer in any of the professional sports with a 1.2 handicap.

Ray Allen could easily go from city to city and enter local tournaments, raking in the prize money as quickly as possible.

Manu Ginobili-Argentinian Basketball Coach

If a lockout comes to the NBA, it's not impossible to think that many players may look in other basketball ventures to get their paychecks.

One player that could easily end up as a coach in another country is Manu Ginobili, whose father was once a coach in Argentina and the president of the Bahiense del Norte basketball club.

Who knows, maybe Ginobili could teach some more Argentinians how to do what he does on the court.

Chris Paul-Amateur Bowler

We have had a basketball coach, an amateur golfer, a minor league baseball player and now an amateur bowler.

Chris Paul is an avid bowler and gets to the lanes as much as possible.

Much like Ray Allen, Paul could make some money on the amateur circuit but probably couldn't make the killing Allen could on the links with a high score of 256 as of 2008, but he would have a blast doing it.

Paul Pierce-Mascot

My biggest reason for Paul Pierce becoming a mascot is merely for the fact that the best thing I found about him over the past few hours is that he wore this last year at Halloween.

My, my Paul, don't you just make one handsome...frog king? Praying mantis Czar? Gumby Emperor?

Whatever he is, it's evident that, off the court, he has a sense of humor, so why not dress him up in a Mickey Mouse costume and send him to Disney Land?

Blake Griffin-Car Dealership Appearances

Ladies and Gentlemen, Blake Griffin will now dunk over the brand new, 2012 KIA Optima!

Be honest, if you saw an advertisement for Blake Griffin appearing at your local KIA dealership where he would jump over a car you wouldn't even remember to lock your front door, feed your dog or visit your grandma, you would B-Line it right over to the lot.

How much more money could Griffin make just for jumping over a few hoods?  And it's not like the Clippers could get upset for him about it, they've shut the team out of their facilities.

Kevin Love-Janitor

Kevin Love makes his living in the NBA cleaning up the glass, so why not make his living in the NBA lockout cleaning glass, wiping toilets, mopping floors and doing other janitorish things.

Despite the thought that his game would translate well to janitoring, Kevin Love actually looks like he could be a janitor.

Do we have a nickname for this young man finally?  Can I just start calling him "The Janitor" right now and get it over with?

Pau Gasol-Spanish Language Soap Opera Actor

Pau Gasol could put on a cheap suit and some makeup and be on the set of any major telenovela by tomorrow afternoon.

The only problem is that I'm trying to figure out which guy he would be.

Would he be the guy who is crying in every other scene or would he be the badass that just walks away whenever the heroine of the story professes her love to him.

Who am I kidding, he's the guy crying in every other scene.

Monta Ellis-Guidance Counselor

Monta Ellis has been working hard ever since he was a young man in his brother's shadow.

He has had to deal with an absent father and grew up in relative poverty, always pushing himself to stay out of trouble and be the best ball player he could be.

Carmelo Anthony-Children's Book Author

Carmelo Anthony already has one book geared toward kids under his belt with It's Just the Beginning, which is about his life.

This could be his opportunity to become a full-fledged children's author and commit his life to writing books for kids...right?

Deron Williams-Travel Agent

Deron Williams went from Utah to New Jersey this year and will either be going from New Jersey to any other part of the country next summer or from New Jersey to New York when the team moves.

Whatever the case, Williams is quickly becoming a well traveled man and could be a good source of information for people to go to when planning their next trip.

Dirk Nowitzki-Farmer

I don't know what it is about Dirk Nowitzki, but whenever I look at him with a hat on and a scruffy beard I just see a farmer.

I can't help but picture him in Germany somewhere on a rocking chair on his front porch drinking a Wurzburger Hofbrau watching his field of beets grow.

Maybe I'm the only one that sees this, and feel free to chastise me if that's so, but I can't picture him as a farmer anymore.

Dwight Howard-Journalist

I kind of get a kick out of the Dwight Howard Superman routine, so why not keep that going for the duration of the lockout.

Nevermind that he totally ripped off a nickname from Shaq, he just plays the role well and the commercial above is always good for a laugh.

Just the thought of this enormous man pretending to be a journalist while at the same time being the savior of the world is quite humorous.

Derrick Rose-Candy Salesman

I say if there is a lockout then Derrick Rose and Lamar Odom should open a chain of candy stores together, as they are both notorious candy bingers.

Rose and Odom could spend their whole day munching on Skittles and Sour Patch Kids together and just become best of friends.

Who knows, maybe Lamar could introduce him to whatever Kardashians may be sitting around who aren't engaged, married or in the process of getting divorced; I mean, there does seem to be an endless stream of them.

LeBron James-Fireman

Most people are going to freak out that I don't think LeBron James should go try to be a football player.

Well, Mr. Smartypants, what happens if the NFL gets locked out as well, do you really think LeBron wants to go play in the AFL or the CFL? Think again.

LeBron needs to repair his image more than anything and what better way to do that by saving kittens from trees and babies from burning buildings?

And Maverick Carter thinks he's some kind of public relations genius.

Dwyane Wade-Stay-at-Home-Dad

Dwyane Wade loves his kids, the media has told us that probably 483 times over the past two years, so why wouldn't he want to fully commit himself to his children?

Wade won the National Father of the Year Award back in 2007 and staying at home to be with his kids could be just the thing to make him a two-time father of the year.

Amar'e Stoudemire-Kid's Show Star

Amar'e Stoudemire on Yo Gabba Gabba is too good just to let happen once.

Someone needs to get Amar'e in a studio, surround him by dancing puppets, throw together a few goofy songs and get him cranking out a kid's show.

Hell, Carmelo Anthony could write his children's books in collaboration with Anthony's children show.

Kevin Durant-Professional Video Gamer

Kevin Durant probably should have stayed in college longer with the amount of time he spends playing video games.

Durant's video game habit is pretty well known around the league, as he is an avid player of Madden online and just with his friends.

Kobe Bryant-He'll Refuse To Do Anything Else

Get this guy to do anything other than play basketball at this point in his career. I dare you.

No seriously, go ahead and tell Kobe Bryant he has to find another job, I'll wait.

After losing embarrassingly to the Dallas Mavericks in the playoffs, there is no way Kobe will be doing anything else this summer besides honing his skills, and I think if I try to give him a job suggestion here, he might track me down and posterize me, which I really don't want.