Los Angeles Dodgers Hire New Team Surgeon: Dr. Frankenstein

In a surprise announcement, the Los Angeles Dodgers today have disclosed the hiring of a new team surgeon, the esteemed Dr. Victor Frankenstein of Bavaria.

Dr. Frankenstein has been retained to assist the team with its surplus of outfielders. His project will involve two underperforming and dissatisfied fly-catchers, Juan Pierre and Andruw Jones.

The procedure, as described by Herr Doctor, will be to take the two underperforming players, and, by employing his personal and patented process, create one outstanding player.

Aided by his laboratory assistant—whose name is Fritz but also answers to Igor—Dr. Frankenstein will disassemble the various body parts of the two players. Then, using the superior parts, some duct tape, spit, and bailing wire, reassemble the pieces into one superstar-quality five-tool player.

The doctor feels retaining the lower body of Pierre is preferable, given his excellent speed. He indicated that he will definitely use the arms of Jones, given he has already run various tests that prove jars of sauerkraut from his homeland can throw a ball better than Pierre.

Frankenstein will cobble the better parts of each for the upper torso. The doctor is concerned that neither donor—err, player—will have a suitable heart, however. There was a suggestion to use second baseman Jeff Kent's. While endowed with an abundance of grit, there is no hard evidence Kent actually possesses a heart-like organ.

In a response to a question, Igor declared Nomar Garciaparra will absolutely not be a part of this project, given the poor track record for reliability of his assorted parts and pieces. He mumbled something about factory recalls then stepped outside to have a smoke.

There has been a great deal of debate as to which head to use. Each have their positive and negative points. Given his infatuation with everything Red Sox, Dodgers owner Frank McCourt is rumored to be investigating the availability of the cryogenically frozen head of Boston legend Ted Williams, though those reports have yet to be confirmed.

Since the team resides adjacent to Hollywood, the Dodgers are also considering the feasibility of a generous offer from Dr. 90210. He could whip up, through the miracle of plastic surgery, a composite face of Samuel L. Jackson for the qualities of fierceness and determination, along with Denzel Washington for charm and sex appeal.

When asked what would happen with the parts not used, Dr. Frankenstein asked for a little patience, as he would have a surprise ready to spring on the public come the end of the month.