The NFL Sad Sack Seven: Week Eight

Some NFL franchises flatline so routinely each year they grow dull. All losing seasons and no winning ones make the Detroit Lions dull, dull cats.

Interchangeable, almost drone-like coaches, turnover machines at quarterback, slow running backs, bad defenses, busted draft picks, and bad-luck fans all linger in a long losing stench around these forlorn clubs. 

If one made a post-millennium bad brew and threw together the Detroit Lions, San Francisco 49ers, Cleveland Browns, Cincinnati Bengals, New York Jets, Kansas City Chiefs, Houston Texans, Oakland Raiders, and Miami Dolphins of the past six or seven years and restocked the rosters with the mingled players and coaches, could anyone tell the difference?

And all the teams would still be bad. The NFL is based on parity. It's built with mostly interchangeable coach bots and dull, drone quarterbacks to be a no-nonsense, money-making monster.

So when one of the NFL flagships fails and flounders, it at least makes the league more interesting. The "Prime Time Soap Opera Meltdown" that is the corralled Dallas Cowboys at least makes for entertaining viewing.

The Germans call it Schadenfreude, and it might be a sin, but it sure makes stomaching the constant Cowboy hype more enjoyable.

At least the Cowboys aren't dull...just unhappy.

Happy teams are all alike; every unhappy team is unhappy in its own way.

But first the faceless bad. Teams that are very, very bad but—even worse—boring.

1. Detroit Lions (0-6)

Jon Kitna's body was put of injured reserve this week, the part of his frontal lobe which directed throwing went on IR in Week Two.

What do you say about the Lions? They did gather some draft picks from Dallas, draft picks they will surely screw up. 

It's amazing a team can be constructed to be so boring bad on offense and inept on defense. It's a feat in itself to field such a sad squad.

2. Cincinnati Bengals (0-7)

The Bungles are a teamed doomed by the Browns, not the ones in Cleveland but the family owning them.

The whole horrid striped mess needs flushed. Its incredible they didn't trade troublemaker, moron wide receiver Chad Johnson to the Washington Redskins in the preseason. Johnson looks like he is giving about half an effort on the field.

Even the arrest jokes have grown as stale as the team. Why would a fan pay to see this squad?

3. Kansas City Chiefs (1-5)

Want a boring bad ball club? Go see KC.

Herm Edwards is, by all accounts, a nice guy. He has also lost 13 of his last 14 games. The team is stripped of talent. The offense is dead in the water.

The star running back, obnoxious Larry Johnson, seems more dedicated to battering Kansas City women than Oakland linebackers. Their best defensive player, defensive end Jared Allen, was shipped to the Minnesota Vikings. 

The offense is averaging 12.5 points the defense is yielding 27.5 per game.

At least the era of quarterback Memphis Harry Ingle Martin IV, late of the Furman Paladins, might start Sunday.

The Chiefs' faithful need some tiny glimmer of hope. Let Memphis Ingle Martin put out his shingle he can't do any worse then the other weak-armed, wide-eyed wrecks at quarterback.

4. Seattle Seahawks (1-5)

The Mike Holmgren Era ends with a whimper. And it ends with a declining Seahawks team in flight.

Well, at least he has a lonely win, unlike his Evergreen State College counterpart Tyrone "Winless at Washington" Willingham.

Paul Allen paid for this? Well, it's likely he didn't even notice.

5. San Francisco 49ers (2-5)

Sadly for San Francisco, the Yorks will never put together a team like Eddie Debartolo had in his glory days. Maybe no one ever will again. Say what ya will about Fast Eddie, but at least he wanted to win.

The Yorks just want to count greenbacks and grin.

Will new coach Mike Singletary make his old look at me made for prime time Samurai Eyes every time a camera zeroes in on him like he did with the Chicago Bears?

Must we again listen to John Madden scream about his intense eyes? 

6. Cleveland Browns (2-4)

The Browns are another sleepwalking-through-the-season team. The quarterback, Derek Anderson, can't throw; the franchise wide receiver, Braylon Edwards, doesn't want to catch near contact; the star tight end, Kellen Winslow, is suspended and unhappy; and the offense is offensive.

Beating the defending Super Bowl champs in Week Six was a step in the right direction, but the Browns are still very bad and very boring.

Again.

7. Dallas Cowboys (4-3)

The Boys are going belly-up, but at least it's entertaining.

Wade Phillips is a fired coach walking and his Brutus, Jason Garrett, steps lightly behind him, sharpening the dagger.

Quarterback Tony Romo's pinkies been pounded. His backup, Brad Johnson, is ancient. The Pacman is on tilt, tucked away in rehab. The man-child, sociopath wideout Terrell Owens, is due to boil over. The team is ravaged with injuries. Owner Jerry Jones is rampaging with ego.

The old coach, Jimmy Johnson, is giggling on prime time. The team was fleeced of draft picks by the dreadfully managed Detroit Lions. The best defensive player, DeMarcus Ware, wants a whopping new contract.

The defense can't tackle, the offense can't score, the rest of the NFL grins and says "more, more, more."

What's next? Sending three first-round picks to the Bengals for Chad Johnson to team with "The T.O. and Roy Show"? Rehiring retired Barry Switzer? Jerry vs. Jimmy in a steel cage match? T.O. stealing Jessica Simpson from her romeo, Romo?

Tune in, watch Jones' new face melt. At least it won't be boring in Big D, not like the rest of the Sad Sack Seven stumbling toward the finish line.