NFL Week Seven: Letters to the League

To: Jerry Jones

Re: Pinkiegate

There's a new character in the Dallas soap opera: Tony Romo's pinkie.

Man, I'm wondering what Jessica has to say about all this.

Jerry, you're the most entertaining owner in the league because you do what you want. Hey, I know, you own the team—why can't you play catch with the starting quarterback?

And that is exactly what you did. But there were other motives, no?

Not only are you a multimillionaire owner, but you're also a keen evaluator of health.

Perhaps Cleveland could use your help with their pesky little staph situation.

But what I like most about you is your ability to motivate.

"It's down to can he handle the pain?" Yes, those were your words last Friday morning.

You must have been so bummed when your $67 million QB wasn't able to get involved in that mess on Sunday.

To: Vince Young

Re: Bashful Vince?

A few things:

"They know good and well, I ain't trying to commit suicide or all that kind of crap." Thanks for clearing that one up for us Vince. I couldn't have said it better myself.

"I'm a great guy, a great humble guy." Hey, me too, but I'm kinda more into the speak-softly-carry-a-big-stick, let-my-actions-speak-for-themselves kind of thing.

Some day we'll all look back on this and laugh.

To: Drew Stanton

Re: drewstanton.com

Drew, I keep seeing all these ads in my gmail account about your blog. Since "Dandy" Dan Orlovsky is the starter in Detroit, I decided to check it out.

It must be difficult to run a blog on your experiences in Detroit and stay positive.

Reading things like, "We are fortunate to be so deep at receiver, so losing Roy hurts but it is not devastating as Mike Furrey and Shaun McDonald are great talents," and "Matt Millen was nothing but a first-class man from the day I met him" show you're a company man through and through.

Keep up the good work.

To: Brodie Croyle

Re: Worst to Cursed

It's a shame you weren't able to fulfill your mission.

My sources tell me this was the message you received, via a curious little android, at the beginning of Week Seven:

"Years ago, you served the Crimson Tide in the SEC Wars; now we beg you to help us in our struggle against the AFC West. We regret that we are unable to present our request to you in person, but the running game has fallen under attack and we're afraid our mission to bring you to health may have failed.

"We've placed information vital to the survival of the passing game into the memory systems of this R2 unit. Herman Edwards will know how to retrieve it. You must see this droid safely delivered to him in Kansas City. This is our most desperate hour. Help us, John Brodie Croyle: You're our only hope."

To: Romeo Crennel

Re: Staph Fever

What kind of dirty towels are you guys using up there in Cleveland?

Kellen Winslow isn't exactly known for staying quiet. Did you really expect him to be able to keep this staph infection to himself?

While not confirmed, it's believed that Winslow's staph infection, which had him in the hospital for a few days, led to enlarged testicles.

Okay Romeo, consider this: You think Winslow's comments after Sunday's loss were a distraction? You try waking up in the morning with testicles the size of grapefruits—now THAT is a distraction

Can you blame the man?

To: Chris Henry

Re: Captain Obvious

I heard what you had to say after the Jones suspension.

"It was a surprise. When I did talk to him, he just told me he didn't think it would be anything, really. I don't know. I guess the commissioner really ain't putting up with anything, especially being in his situation and my situation."

Chris, no, the commish isn't putting up with anything, especially from you two.

I'm disappointed that you're just now figuring this out.

To: Brett Favre

Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Eh

Man, that was a tough week.

The game was bad enough. No touchdowns? Against the Raiders?

But then your boy Glazer reports that you called the Lions back in Week Two to share with them Packers insights.

Brett, man, are you trying to antagonize every Packers fan? This is getting a little out of hand.

To: LenDale White

Re: Rumbling, Bumbling, Gasping

Whoa, I saw you rumble for 80 yards on Sunday. If you weren't aware, that's the longest for the Titans since 1983.

But what I wonder is if it's the longest ever by a man your size.

You're listed at 235—I'm not buying it.

Seeing that play reminded me of something. At a game when I was in high school there was a fumble, and the biggest guy on the field, otherwise known as an offensive lineman, managed to scoop up the ball and, with the aid of some seriously timely blocks, managed to run like 90 yards for a touchdown.

Once he made it to the end zone, he nearly collapsed. He was assisted to the sidelines and I'll never forget the image of him lying on a bench, chest heaving, sucking air from an oxygen mask.

That's what I thought when I saw you reach the goal line. Your chest was heaving and you seemed a little dizzy. I didn't see it, but you gotta let me know:

Did you get oxygen when you got back to the bench?

To: New Orleans Saints

Re: Parity?

Hey guys, pardon my language, but what the hell?

The inconsistent play has gone to simply awful play. Drew Brees is out there trying to win an MVP and the guys on offense can't stay healthy, and the defense has mailed it in the last two weeks.

Are you guys the prime example of this parity I hear so much about...or are you just lazy?

To: Jose Canseco

Re: I Know This is Not Football, But I Had to Say Something

Dude, fertility drugs and celebrity boxing?

Seriously?