Hockey In Canada

Americans cannot understand how Canadians feel about hockey. They would have to scrunch baseball, basketball and football into one sport. They would have to stop winning medals in almost every international competition in various sporting events ranging from track and field to gymnastics to wrestling.

Then, they would have to rip and shred 99% of their national political history. Then they would have to cut their military into a bite-sized version of its current monstrosity. And lastly, they would have to retire their tidal wave effect over the global economy.

Why?

They would have to do all this because the essence of American identity is spread out into the multi-athletic, political, military and economic spheres which span the planet. Americans have a massive buffet to choose from when they reflect on their American-ness. To be proud to be an American is a complicated and rich exercise in introspection.

I'm Canadian. I took a year long course in Canadian history in my first year in University. The class started by examining the geological formation of Canada. That's how far they had to dig to serve up an entire year of Canadian history. We have no history! We have no military prowess or potency. Our dollar piggy-backs on the American's. Michael Phelps won three times as many gold medals as we did in Beijing.

What does it mean to be proud to be Canadian? As a Canadian, I can honestly say:

"We put that puck in the net a lot."

We invented hockey. We perfected hockey. We were created to play hockey. If we could eat and breathe hockey we would be strict hockey-tarians. No meat, no veggies, just Bauer.

If wars were won or lost on an ice rink, Stephen Harper would be Prime Minister of the World. Heck, we'd send Gretzky, Yzerman, and the rest of Hockey Canada to Pluto to establish a highly successful Canadian Hockey talent-breeding colony. Seeing as it's no longer a planet and all...

Come playoff time we'll root for our home team's biggest rival if it's the only Canadian team left in the series. We'll buy that team's jersey and paint our children's faces with its logo and scream through the T.V. until we see Lord Stanley return home.

The only time the American anthem is not muted is when we host a yankee hockey squad on home ice. And we only tolerate it because it allows us the immeasurable pleasure of beating Americans at the only thing we'll ever beat them in.

Without hockey, Canadians wouldn't have the word patriotism in our dictionary. We'd replace it with poutine.

Without hockey, we got nothin'...

Wayne Gretzky is to Canadians what George Washington, Ronald Reagan, Muhammad Ali, Michael Jordan, Chuck Norris, Johnny Unitas, Alex Rodriguez, and Marlon Brando are to you Americans.

If we were Egypt, hockey and our Great One would be the only two hieroglyphics etched into a massive hockey skate shaped pyramid.

Get it?