Are You There God? It's Me, Jerry

ATTN: FOOTBALL FANS AND BIBLE-THUMPERS ALIKE!

Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys, has (had) a partnership with God.

Oh yes, it's true, folks. Jerry Jones does (did) not do it all by himself. He has (had) some divine help guiding him along the way.

Now, it's easy to just proclaim things randomly—

"Pepsi and Coke are the same thing!"

"Jesus Christ and all other theistic figures are nothing more than a political means to influence public opinion as a further attempt toward social control!"

—See, I did it. Difference being, I've got proof!

There. Point proven. Moving along.

Did you ever notice the insufferable patch of light on the field at Texas Stadium during a Sunday afternoon Cowboys' game?

Apparently Jerry ran out of money halfway through the roof construction because there's a gaping hole in the top of Texas Stadium.

I always thought it was a retractable roof. That was, until I saw not a patch of light, but a patch of rain coming through the roof and onto the field.

How idiotic does it seem to leave a hole in your roof?

Or is it genius? Hmmm...

How difficult do you think it would be, while it's raining into one part of the field, to throw into a wall of rain? Or trying to cover Terrell Owens while Romo throws to him through the aforementioned wall?

Well, despite the build-up, I still say it was an awful construction plan.

But now I'm ranting. Back to the main point.

So, what was the final excuse given for the gaping hole in the roof?

So God could look down on his team.

AND THERE IT IS!

It's God's team! Everyone thought that it was just Jerry Jones on an ego trip, OH NO! It belongs (belonged) to God!

And so God said unto Jerry, "Just leave me a hole so I can watch all the games, and I'll make sure your team because the most prolific football team of the '90s."

And there it is, folks. God's business deal with Jerry Jones.

So, Jerry kept his end of the deal. He gave God a front row seat to all the games, a season ticket that is almost impossible to get, and in return was awarded with the likes of Troy Aikman, Emmit Smith, and Michael Irvin.

This trio would win the Cowboys three Super Bowls in '92, '93, and '95, and in the mean time turn Jerry Jones into the driving machine behind arguably the greatest dynasty in NFL history (I still say the Steelers of the '70s, but that's me).

Then, something incredible happened. Jones shunned God. Jones tasted the power of being the biggest figurehead in the NFL, and figured he no longer needed his business associate.

Then God, royally pissed about Jerry turning his back on their deal, smite them. And he smite them good.

The Cowboys did not win the Super Bowl the following year. They did not appear in the Super Bowl. They did not even make the playoffs.

Why?

The wrath of God.

That was his team, he built that team. Who was Jerry Jones to take it away?

In return for his arrogance, God has been punishing the Cowboys for a while now.

This is evident in the fact that, over the past twelve years, the Dallas Cowboys have exactly 0 wins in the postseason.

Nada.

Zip.

Zilch.

Cero.

Null.

Goose egg.

Bagel.

Donut.

Lifesavers.

Circles.

Nothing.

12 not-so-golden riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiings.

Get the point? No wins.

So when I say the wrath of God, I mean Old Testament God. The guy who rained fire and brimstone upon Saddam and Gomorrah because they were not nice to each other. The guy BEFORE the kid softened him up.

12 consecutive years with no postseason wins, despite being favored in most of them and in the recent decade, being arguably the best team on paper.

Who's to blame? You guessed it, Jerry Jones.

God is pissed, Cowboy fans. He wants his damn seat back.

Perhaps Jerry is just too stubborn to see what's going on here. Maybe he's too thick-headed to see that he can't do it on his own. He can't handle the egos of Terrell Owens, Pacman (yes, Pacman) Jones, Roy Williams, Terrence Newman, and the new soon-to-be headache Roy E. Williams (the wide receiver they just gave up way too much to have to deal with).

And the injury bug hitting Dallas? Not a coincidence.

Tony Romo (pinkie), Felix Jones (hamstring), and Terrence Newman (groin surgery) are all reeling from injuries.

Pacman Jones has been suspended indefinitely and will cost the Cowboys $20,000 for every game he is suspended. Also not a coincidence.

So, if that doesn't do it, maybe this latest debacle against the Rams will be the wake-up call Jones needs. Maybe it will not.

Knowing Jones, he'll probably just make a deal with the Devil and see how that turns out. He'd probably have better luck dealing with that guy's ego.

The bottom line is, GOD IS PISSED AND HE WANTS HIS DAMN SEAT BACK NOW! Or, it will be at least 2020 until this team can even think about a postseason "W".

Jerry needs to swallow his pride and start from scratch. If not, it could be another decade plus of Cowboy disappointment. So, let him hear it.

Are you there, God? It's me, Jerry.

So there it is, the fall from America's Team AKA God's Team to the most hated team in football is all the result of a bad business deal between Jerry Jones and the Almighty.

Spread the word. Let's get this to the public, I want Wikipedia to explode with the knowledge I have given you!

And just as a side note,

I sure would not mind seeing another twelve years of Cowboys mediocrity.

Signed,

A Die-hard Eagles Fan.

GO EAGLES!